Sixers
And Why is he not a Sixer?
Yea so last night Dionte Christmas got pulled over by the cops for “driving erratically in a car with heavily tinted windows” on Broad Street. “Police later learned that the car Christmas had been driving belonged to Sixer forward/center Marreese Speights, Police said. The 9mm apparently also was registered to Speights, he said.”
Oh cool. I still don’t know why the Sixers let go such a high character rookie. I mean, he went to Temple so he definitely cannot be a criminal. For all we know he was driving to Sammy Dalembert’s house to make him ‘disappear’ and salvage the 2009-2010 season for the fans. Dionte Christmas was our John Connor sent back in time to take care of the man who is going to destroy the world of Sixers fans. I demand an explanation from the Sixers front office as to why the mission was aborted. I’m waiting for a response, Ed Stefanski.
Calling in Gay Weekly Award - Samuel Dalembert
For some reason I have a feeling that this won’t be the last time Sammy makes the list this year. Just a hunch there. Certainly, there will be other Sixers to appear on this list because they are such frauds. Yet, none are bigger than Slammin Sammy Dalembert. Sammy is riding the bench more and more, his defending skills have eroded to almost nothing, and he still looks unbelievably clueless on the court night after night. It’s almost unbearable. Now with the injury to Elton Brand, expect to see Sammy out on the floor even more, confirming to the rest of the world how poisonous he is to the team’s success.
Let’s tackle Sammy from two angles here because it’s easier to understand just how worthless this clown is when you look at two simple facts.
#1 - Sammy is simply not talented in any way, shape, or form. Let’s just get that out of the way up front. His career numbers are 8.3 points/game, 8.0 rebounds/game, and 52% shooting from the floor in 27 minutes a game on average. This season? Try 5.8 points, 8.2 rebounds, and 45% shooting from the floor in 25 minutes a game. And the Sixers are paying him 10.5 million dollars this year, with only 48 players in the entire NBA making more than this joke. In the next two years he is owed 11.3 and 12.2 million by the Sixers. Dalembert’s best year was last year where he averaged 10 points and 10 rebounds a night, which for 60 million dollars seems almost criminal. Really? 60 million dollars for that? I could stand at half court and heave up shots and score ten points a night. This guy has been a full time player in the NBA since 2003 and he hasn’t improved his game one iota. If you look up the word ’stagnant’ in the dictionary it will have Sammy’s picture and career stats next to it. Guarenteed.
#2 - Even more egregious than his unbearable level of talent is the fact that Sammy doesn’t give two shits about being a good player. How can we say he does? When you are in the league and don’t strive to improve then what are you? Seriously. People who are successful in this world are ones who look for advantages, look to educate themselves in their profession, whatever. Sammy? Sammy has the willpower of a homeless person. Sammy got kicked off the Canadian national team this past summer for NOT CARING. He didn’t fucking care. Do we need to say anything more? If you can’t make the Canadian basketball team as a starting NBA center then you might as well pack your bags and get the fuck out of dodge. He has zero commitment to his job and we’re stuck with him for two more years. It’s sickening.
So thanks Sammy. Thanks for swindling the team with some ungodly 60 million dollar contract that should have you thrown in jail for essentially breaching, and thanks for not getting serious about helping this franchise win anything. You are a total disgrace to the Sixers organization. I’d feel better if the Sixers gave the money to Al-Queda to finance terror attacks than give it to you. And thanks for being an amazing candidate for this award you lazy pig.
Calling In Gay Weekly Award - Hip Hop
I don’t know if today is National Gay Day, Hug a Homo, Eat an Ass, or whatever it’s called, but I was both stunned and completely exhilarated to hear that America’s gays and lesbians were being urged to ‘call in gay’ today at work. Read about it here. Fucking huge right there. Why didn’t we think of this? I mean look, it’s funny to make fun of people in general and it’s even funnier to make fun of gay people because, well, they’re gay. It just makes the rest of us feel better about ourselves anyway, and that’s what life’s really about. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being gay, and there are easily qualities about certain people that make them a million times worse….like being mean, evil, dishonest, hateful, from Dallas, New York, or Boston, thinking it’s ok to work out at my gym and blow dry your ball hair at the same sink I wash my hands at, etc. So many stereotypes exist about gay people that maybe they do deserve their own day off, simply because they’ve taken so much punishment over the years. It’s not fair for ignorant minded people to think the only reason gay men have lisps is because they get their tonsils tickled so much. And please, get it out of your head that farts are like perfume to a gay man. That’s just totally wrong.
This immediately got City of Pain’s staff working on a new piece we’ll be debuting today (and each week) in honor of this brilliant idea by our nations gay leaders. 99% of the USA doesn’t want to acknowledge that homosexuals need their own day, but City of Pain does. Now for some this might be tough to “swallow”, and others may have to “bite”, not their pillows, but their tongues. Let’s just get one thing “straight” here: Gay America doesn’t need to “get down on their knees” for recognition, and the rest of us need to “loosen up and accept” the inevitable. So to Gay America, this weekly award is dedicated in your honor.
Calling In Gay Weekly Award - Hip Hop
City of Pain’s hatred for Hip Hop, the 76ers’ absurd mascot, goes all the way back to 2007. If you ranked every single mascot in sports by appearance, demeanor, likeability, and relevance, Hip Hop would rank dead last on the planet. Even behind stupid mascot of minor league baseball teams that are named after sea life. Hip Hop is the absolute bottom of the barrel in this category, and it was only fitting that he was the first winner of this award.
I don’t know who ran the 76ers marketing department when the idea of Hip Hop was first born, but my guess is that person is no longer employed. If he/she were still working there, we probably would have seen mascots dressed as horse fish running around the arena, promotional nights where they give away cupcakes and replica unicorn horns, and halftime shows featuring one of the Bernstein Bears singing Debbie Gibson songs while riding a blue giraffe wearing candy necklaces. You mean to tell me that the best you could come up with is a rabbit (that stands on two legs no less), who wears sunglasses and has a name that relates to rap music? A RABBIT???? Why not just call yourself ‘Easter Bunny’ you psycho? And it’s racist too. And after all of that, you still need a trampoline to dunk a basketball. Why would you, you’re a fucking jackrabbit!!! You shouldn’t NEED a trampoline you deceitful bastard. And whoever decided to make you look like you’re on steroids should be shot too. An absolute disgrace.
So here’s to you Hip Hop. If we ever have a ‘Calling in Gay’ Yearly Award, please note you will win that too. You are a fraud, whoever ‘invented’ you should be hung, and to make matters worse your flaccid ears are too long. Pathetic. If our basketball team’s mascot is going to be a rabbit, we might as well dress the entire team in Alice in Wonderland outfits with no underwear on. You suck Hip Hop.
A MIRACLE? HARDLY.
Ever since the Sixers sat at 18-30 in January, something has changed. To pinpoint exactly what that ’something’ is would be impossible. It’s doubtful that getting rid of Kyle Korver was the sole reason, and it’s probably unfair to say that the firing of Billy King and the bringing in of Ed Stefanski was the catalyst. No, the reason the Sixers turned it around it because they had a lot of players all get better at the same time, and pretty much at the same rate. That’s really the only reason I can think of. The team that stepped on the floor back in October is nothing like the one that beat the Pistons last night in Game 1.
In the first half of the season you had the still unproven Andre Iguodala stupidly turning down a contract that was going to pay him much more than he was worth. You had a point guard in Andre Miller who was too old, and your only hope for him was that he played well enough during the season to have good value in a trade, come deadline time. You had a glimmer of hope in Louis Williams as a point guard, but he would probably end up being on the bench most games, and was still too young to realistically invest any significant amount of faith into. You bring back Korver, a nice player off of the bench, but who would still always be the 4th or 5th best player on a slightly above average team and a guy who solely shot three pointers. You may have had a decent draft class, but you’ll have to wait a few years to see how that works out. You had Sammy Dalembert as your starting center. Enough said.
Now? Iguodala looks like a genius in turning down that contract, probably earned himself 10-20% more money, learned how to play great defense, and arguably catapulted himself into one of the top 25 players in the league. The scary thing is that he still has A LOT to improve upon. Andre Miller has turned into a top five point guard in the NBA, and, at 32 years old, looks like your guy for the next three years. The scary thing is he finally plays on a team that showcases his one talent that has never be truly utilized before. Scoring. Lou Williams is officially a stud and has shown you he has a brain and can rebound extremely well. Two plusses. The Korver trade not only got you a 1st round draft pick down the road (for free basically) but……it allowed some of the younger guys to get playing time. Thaddeus Young? Can you say “Thank you Billy King”? Reggie Evans? Fucking rebounding machine. Even Sammy gives you 18 and 10 every night, although still has a brain capacity of a turd sandwich. It’s like the stars have aligned.
So after all of this, after the huge turnaround, after actually getting fans to show up at your games, after beating some of the best teams in the NBA, what happens? You go 1-5 down the stretch (the one win against Detroit, ironically) and blow the chance to play a lesser team in the first round.
Didn’t matter. A ten point underdog going into Detroit, the Sixers pulled off a come from behind miracle that even Andre Iguodala couldn’t blow. They literally shocked the world. And as scary as it sounds, that is three straight wins against the Pistons. The thought of going into Philly against a red hot team and playing in front of a bloodthirsty crowd has all of a sudden got to be a little unnerving for the Pistons. The Pistons had chances to bury the Sixers last night, but they continued to miss easy shot after easy shot. I think the Pistons now know that it’s going to take a few more made open shots to fend off this Sixers team. They also need to take 4 of 6 against a team that has beaten them three straight. Slightly daunting if you ask me.
Teams that win Game 1 win the series 83% of the time. Do you believe yet? After everything I’ve seen this year, yes. A much hungrier and younger Sixers team in 6.
Late Expectations
well, i don’t think anyone saw this coming. both the flyers and sixers have clinched berths in playoffs for the first time together since the 2002-2003 seasons. at the start of their seasons, you probably would have gotten better odds on them both finishing last in their divisions than both making the playoffs.
the sixers seem to have the stronger team, at least on momentum alone. problem is, that unlike hockey, there are some great teams at the top of the conference that the sixers will likely have to face. and if they don’t get a great team, they get a great player, either dwight howard or lebron. the cavs still remind me a little of the early jordan-era bulls. the supporting cast is a steaming pile of mediocrity, that without lebron, would have trouble matching with the heat or the knicks.
the flyers, on the other hand, are limping their way into the playoffs. they could finish anywhere for sixth to eighth at this point. that means montreal, pittsburgh or likely washington. if washington loses and carolina sneaks in, we want the hurricanes like bob clarke wants his job back. if not, i want no part of washington because huet’s been playing well and ovechkin is a beast that could single-handedly beat this team. they don’t have much line depth, so maybe we’d have a chance. in the end, there’s no team to beat in the east and, like always, a hot goalie can win you a round or two. watch marty tomorrow for signs of him standing on his head.
we’re excited here at city of pain for the double-playoff spring…just because it distracts us from the phillies bullpen and thoughts of self-mutilation. i’m thinking one of them gets out of the first round, but i’m not making a prediction until i see who’s on the other bench.
SODOMY
This just in: The Sixers continue to sodomize weaker opponents. Andre Iguodala continues to throw down massive tomahawk dunks that are so ignorant they make Dick Vermeil cry. Lou “Snake Eyes” Williams and Thaddeus “Fudge Python” Young seem to have no ceiling in terms of ability. Andre Miller may talk like Michael Jackson but he can dish out assists easier than a 12 year old girl can gain access to a Mark Chumura Hannah Montana themed birthday sleepover. Anybody seen my pajamas? And why is there a hole cut out of the back of them?
It’s gotten to the point where you look at the schedule and you see the Sixers beating 85% of the teams coming up. Phoenix? Win. New Jersey? Win. Cleveland? Another win. At this point the only things that can stop the Sixers are a terrorist attack on the hotel they’re staying in, a team wide STD outbreak (most likely stemming from a Reggie Evans Popsicle party), SARS, and of course Chuck Norris.
Who wants to play these guys right now? Step on up.
WATCH OUT NBA
The Philadelphia 76ers are playing like someone cut off one of their tits, and they’re pissed. We’ve gotten to the point where Andre Iguodala looks like an All-Star almost every night, Andre Miller looks like the best point guard in the league, Sam Dalembert looks like one of the best defensive players all year, and Thaddeus Young is turning out to be an unbelievably great draft pick. Basically we may be looking at a team that could cause some serious problems to any team named Detroit or Boston in the playoffs, and straight up beat any other team. Thank you Billy King. Seriously.
And to top it all off, we just beat the best team in the NBA. Fuck you Boston! Assholes and asshole fans! You deserve nothing less you pieces of shit.
What a Play, What a Game
this was probably one of the highlights of my sixers viewing season. i don’t get to watch every game, and even this one i only saw the last third or so. but damn, that was a great shot fake. and i was a big iverson fan when he was here (the only thing i didn’t like about him was that my being so different a player, we were doomed to slightly above average teams), but seeing him get played like that…that was like icing on the cake.
in a sense, it’s like iverson’s our big brother. he was the man when we were younger, he went off to college and came back after his sophomore expecting us to be the same old pile of nothing. but no, we’ve blossomed. we’re a woman now and all his friends want our hotness, and we’re putting on a show at the house party and we might have had too much to drink, and what was in that cigarette, and no, i don’t want to play strip ping-pong, and what am i supposed to do with that thing?
that’s sort of how it feels to make the playoffs in the eastern conference this year.
Where are they Now? Part 1
Tyrone Hill and Family?Yep, they were recently spotted dining at the Sizzler near Temple University. They were gracious enough to allow City of Pain to take a picture and let the rest of Philly know that they still have roots in our city. Often referred to as the “Kennedys of the NBA” the Hill family doesn’t hold back when going for a night out on the town. You can see this tight knit group enjoys spending every waking moment together, and they often dream of a night in the not so distant future when Tyrone will return to Philadelphia Glory. “I know someday my number will be hangin’ in those rafters. You’ll see, you’ll see.”We wish Tyrone and his family all the best and look forward to catching up with them at Dr. J’s Golf Tournament this upcoming spring.
The Next Champion?
That’s the million dollar question here in Philadelphia. You hear it all the time. Who will be the team to finally break the curse and end the suffering of every scumbag Philly fan out there? Will we even win a championship ever again? Who the hell knows at this point. The fact that meaningless cities like Anaheim, Tampa Bay, San Antonio, and Indianapolis have hoisted trophies within the past five years is nauseating. Those are cities that deserve a SARS outbreak, not championships. Those are cities that probably have a higher percentage of teen pregnancy and home meth labs per capita among its citizens than we do. Those are cities that 20 years ago were wastelands, full of immigrants and disease, where a new Wal Mart was revered like the Taj Mahal, where fathers married their daughters and opened pawn shops, where hate crimes were applauded, where teeth were optional, and where rape was the second most popular activity among men ages 18-54 (killing small pets was first). And THEY have trophies and we don’t? Blasphemy.
City of Pain is proud to present its top four teams, in order, that are most likely to hoist the next trophy. Have no fear though, we don’t see any team winning anything within the next 80 years so this list is completely meaningless considering anyone reading this will be dead by the time any of this happens. Unless they have HDTV in hell, in which case most of us will get to watch our teams in between getting branded with an iron by some big devil monster like the one in “Legend” while his vampire troll assistants vomit acid on our skin, we’re screwed. Grab your ankles because here we go!
FLYERS – Hard to believe the Flyers would make the top of the list considering just a year ago they had the worst record in the NHL. Well, it’s true. The funny thing is that if you asked this question anytime over the last 20 years, the majority of people would also have the Flyers at the top. The Flyers are the next champion for two obvious reasons: First, they have an unbelievably young and talented roster that should be able to stay intact for the next five years minimum. We’re specifically talking about Richards (22), Carter(23), Lupul(24), Umberger(25), Hartnell(25), Coburn(22), Upshall(24), Kukkonen(26), and Gagne (27). Many of these players are playing together for the first time this year and already look pretty cohesive. Secondly, hockey is the one sport out of the four majors where a #5+ seed can win it all. Just two years ago in the playoffs, after the first round the Eastern Conference had its #1, 2, 3, and 4 seeds remaining, while the West had its #5, 6, 7, and 8 seeds remaining. If a team gets hot in the playoffs they can win it. The other obvious reason that the Flyers have an advantage is that they always attempt to put the best product on the ice year in and year out. This is evident in the fact that they have been to more Finals (three) and more Conference Championships (seven) since 1983 than any other Philly team. The Flyers have also only missed the playoffs eight times in their 40 years of existence. We don’t care what anyone says, the three other Philadelphia teams accept losing more than the Flyers do.
PHILLIES – It’s hard to put a team that has won one world championship in 120+ years of existence in the #2 spot here, but it’s the right call. Without getting caught up in last year’s playoff appearance, the Phils have a young enough nucleus to stay competitive over the next 5-7 years. We know where they are strong and who their playmakers are, but what we don’t know is what their long term plan is going to be. We still do not know how they plan on addressing third base (either this year or next), another solid B+ starter to go with Hamels, Myers, Kendrick, and hopefully one of our minor league prospects (Carrasco, Savory, Drabek, Outman), or who their Manager, General Manager, and owners will be in three years. We know nothing. The positives remain our long term viability at SS, 2B, 1B, CF, and hopefully two starters in Hamels and Kendrick. The negatives are always going to be the half assed moves we make every year to acquire the remaining pieces of the puzzle, and until that philosophy is replaced with a desire to spend a little more cash, we may be looking at a franchise that is ok with remaining on the second tier of baseball’s elite forever
EAGLES – You didn’t think we were actually going to put the Sixers here did you? What can even be said about this football team? They are so old in some areas and so young in others. Half the locker room has the average age of the cast of High School Musical while the other half has the average age of the cast of Cocoon 2. Probably not a good mix in the long run. Like the Flyers, the Eagles play in a sport where you can get hot at the right time of the year and conceivably win a Super Bowl, but like the Phillies, the Eagles often seem to never want to hit the home run in free agency. Some may argue this point (see the acquisitions of Runyan and T.O.), while some may see the passing over bigger name players (Moss, Muhammad, Porter, Mason, Jordan, to name a few) over the years. Some moves would have worked, some would not have. The Eagles slip below the Phillies for the simple reason that they have too many players that are past their prime and/or have injury issues (McNabb, Sheppard, Dawkins, Akers, Spikes) and a few players, namely Westbrook, who are currently in their prime who can help us win now, but don’t have the team around them to go all the way. The historical factor? The Eagles don’t exactly have the most stellar record in big games. And will they ever win a championship under this coaching staff? Factor in the fact that within two years they are handing the ball over to a brand new quarterback and this team comes in at #3 on this list.
SIXERS – If the Philadelphia Soul, Phantoms, or Kixx were considered major teams we’d put all of them above the Sixers at this point. Actually we’d have to exclude the the Phantoms and the Kixx since they have both won championships within the past three years. We can talk about the roster moves the Sixers are making, the cap space they are clearing, the new GM they have hired, the young talent they have currently, all of that….. but let’s be honest here. The Sixers have no shot at a title within the next five years minimum, and that’s being generous. Watching their games now is like viewing a beheading video. Watching Samuel Dalembert flop around the court, half of the time not knowing where he is, what basket he’s shooting at, or what color jersey his teammates are wearing is embarrassing. Anybody notice every time this asshole jumps for a ball he has to pull up his pants up when he lands? Can someone teach him how to tie the string on his shorts so he can pay more attention to the game? Jesus Christ. Watching Mo Cheeks sit on the bench wishing he was coaching a middle school team with better fundamentals is painful; however, the sole reason that the Sixers don’t stand a chance to win a title is because the NBA is a complete graveyard for teams that aren’t in the upper echelon in the league. If you’re not one of the six best teams in the NBA, you have ZERO chance to win. Think about it. Name one NBA champion over the past 30 years that came out of nowhere to win. Shit, name a team that was an above average team but not an elite team that won it all. You can’t. So until the Sixers get themselves into a #1 or #2 seed in the East, forget about it.
It’s About F’ing Time
billy king’s going to get shit-canned today, and i couldn’t be happier. this team “plays hard” is “entertaining” and they’re all “nice guys.” which is a great way to describe an 8th grade basketball team, but not necessarily a storied nba franchise like the sixers. philadelphia could really use a plan for its basketball team, and i’m glad it’s not billy king who’s writing it.
look at the overpriced and/or under-talented slop he’s brought to or kept on this team since the glorious run to the finals:
Dikembe Mutombo - $68 million extension
Aaron McKie - $35.5 million
Eric Snow - $29 million
Greg Buckner - $18 million
Kenny Thomas - $40 million
Brian Skinner - $25 million
Kyle Korver - $25 million
Samuel Dalembert - $60 million
and he traded for other gm’s worst contracts like Keith Van Horn, Glenn Robinson, Kevin Ollie, and Chris Webber
and he’s had a mixed bag of drafts:
2007
Thaddeus Young
Jason Smith
Herbert Hill
2006
Rodney Carney
Bobby Jones
2005
Louis Williams
2004
Andre Iguodala
2003
Kyle Korver
Willie Green
2002
Jiri Welsch
Sam Clancy
2001
Samuel Dalembert
Damone Brown
Alvin Jones
2000
Speedy Claxton
Mark Karcher
1999
Todd MacCulloch
Jumaine Jones
1998
Larry Hughes
Nazr Mohammad
Casey Shaw
at the end of the day, they stunk before he arrived with larry brown, they were pretty good for a stretch there (5 straight trips to the playoffs) and now they stink again. they drafted some decent players but haven’t hit on anyone who’s changed the face of the franchise. at the end of the day, he’ll be the guy who traded allen iverson for andre miller, joe smith and jason smith and some cash. here’s hoping this guy, ed stefanski:
can spend the cap space that billy king has created in a creative way instead of boldly resigning all his own players that have been overvalued for the last ten years.
thank you ed snider. and thank you larry brown for not getting in the way of this. now let’s go lose some games and get a good draft pick! go team!
The State of the Union
Welcome to City of Pain’s first ever State of the Union address. Sit back, crack open an Icehouse, gather your friends around the computer, smoke some weed/heroin/PCP/crystal meth/ice/crank…whatever you want. You’re going to need it when you actually start thinking about the lifelessness of the Philadelphia sports landscape. There’s more hope in finding Natalie Halloway at this point.
The Eagles
There is a very distinct possibility that the start of the Eagles official free fall happens in New England this weekend (ed note: as opposed to the costly fall of the last 2+ years). When people are doubting your inability to cover a game as opposed to being competitive, you’ve got a serious problem. When every statement about this team begins with “with the exception of the Lions game…”, something is not right.
Out of all four major sports teams in this city, the murkiest future belongs to the Eagles. No one has a clue who’s going to be under center next season, and whether that’s a good thing (Kolb) or a bad thing (McNabb, Feeley), it’s the lack of apparent direction that’s troubling. Something tells me the Eagles have no idea who their quarterback is going to be either. The good news is that the greatest head coach in franchise history doesn’t have two sons who are shooting up heroin, ramming an entire pharmacy’s worth of pills up their salad shooters, parading around with rifles and driving like maniacs, rotting in jail, and not creating any distraction whatsoever for the team.
Thank God as sports fans who shell out hundreds of dollars watching these guys, that none of that is happening right now because it would probably not be good for the team in general. Teams have figured out our offense. Teams have figured out our defense. We don’t have any special teams play for the opponents to worry about, so basically all we have left is a huge home-field advantage playing in an old, dilapidated, loud, out of date, concrete toilet. Oh wait…
The Solution: end the Mcnabb era, draft for defense (corner, safety, DE), get Westbrook some help if you think Tony Hunt can’t do it (we wouldn’t know because they don’t play him for some reason), get a kick returner, change the jerseys back to Kelly green, send Mornigweg, Baskett, and Mahe to Iran, and rebuild the Vet and play there.
The Flyers
Two schools of thought concerning this franchise…first, their success this season in luring good players to last year’s NHL cellar dweller and their success on the ice makes them seem better than they really are when comparing them to last season’s disaster….or secondly, they may actually be a good team capable of consistent play the entire year.
One thing you know is the Flyers are always going to put the best product on the ice. Looking at this season, I see only one team (Ottawa) that is far and away better than us. Are you scared of the Rangers, Penguins, Canadiens, and Hurricanes? Maybe not, but the Flyers are a small losing streak from being on the outside looking in. While they are currently two points out of first place, they are also five points from being out of the top eight in the East. The most positive signs? Special Teams. The Flyers have the #5 ranked power play and #12 penalty kill in the NHL. Success in the NHL these days won’t happen with shit special teams. There have been lapses in play and it could be because they are still learning how to play with each other, but that could also be due to the fact that John Stevens is changing line combinations every four minutes.
The Solution: maintain home ice dominance, get Gagne back completely healthy, and keep special teams consistent. This is a playoff team right now, and you’re most likely looking at the #4 or #5 seed. The goal should be to take the division and hope you’re hot going into the playoffs. The reality is: just make the playoffs. The players love each other, Stevens appears to have their respect, the fans will fill the seats all year, and they have the skill players. Their upside seems limitless at this point.
The Phillies
We’ve spent a lot of time chronicling the Phillies off season moves recently, and they continue to capture the attention of this city six weeks after getting gang-raped by the Rockies (ed note: proving this really is a baseball town in case any of you forgot…it’s hard to remember when they’ve been pissing on our dreams since 1993). The problem with this team is this: they have a hole, both offensively and defensively, at third base and they also need another lefty in the bullpen. The lefty in the bullpen will be addressed. How effectively it will be addressed is a different story.
Everyone knows the Phillies made a push for Mike Lowell, but the rumors surrounding the actual contract numbers are still officially unknown. Lowell’s agent was quoted on Comcast saying that the Phils offer came “too late”. Awesome. Phillies management is like the Illuminati minus the illusions, secrecy, power, and intelligence.
The problem that the Phillies seemingly fall into every year is the fact that they often have too many holes to fill. Last year it was third base, three starting pitchers, and bullpen help. They addressed those holes with Wes Helms, Freddy Garcia, Jon Lieber, Adam Eaton, and nothing in the bullpen and still made the playoffs. How much do you give away to fill the hole at third, and if you don’t, are you targeting someone next year with the mindset that we will do whatever it takes to get him? Are they really going to sign Randy Wolf? What is the mathematical probability that Ruben Amaro Jr. is not our GM after this year? Has everyone forgotten that the Phils would have been sitting home this postseason if that Mets didn’t take a big dump on their season?
The Solution: without giving away Savory, Carrasco, or Outman, fill the void at third. Somehow. Spend money to make money. Kill Eaton. Sell his organs to the Philippines for cash and a free ball boy.
The Sixers
Not even worth of a review. This team is an abortion. If your best player is Andre Iguodola (that’s debatable) then you have SERIOUS problems. When your best attribute is that you ‘play hard’, then I have to question the talent that you are investing in. Honestly, I like Louis Williams. Jason Smith looks like he actually has brains and skill. Thaddeus Young seems to give you decent minutes and effort when he’s in there. After that what do you have?
Kyle Korver? Sammy Dalembert? Willie Green? Please. The Sixers did the right thing in saying they’ll address the Iguodola contract at the end of the year because I think that allows them to explore the possibility of trading him. There is no way this guy deserves a maximum contract. When they traded Iverson away, Iguodola mistakenly thought he was the heir apparent when he and his agent turned down that contract. There is a reason the Sixers are dead last in attendance. Just watch them play some time.
The Solution: trade Miller midseason (ed note: trade him now. he’s lost a step and we need to trade him before the league notices), entertain offers for A.I., teach Korver to play defense, give your rookies more minutes because you aren’t winning anyway, and secure a top five pick through your continued horrible play.
Stay tuned for the State of the Union Part 2, featuring the Philadelphia Soul, Widener Men’s lacrosse, the brief history of the Philadelphia Charge, Fran Dumphy’s mustache, Comcast’s ugliest female broadcaster, and a look back at the Brian Boucher era.