Phillies
The Law Of Averages Has Arrived
Chase Utley and Placido Polanco are apparently heading to the DL today, and you know what that means: Hello Greg Dobbs. Just when the Phils were poised to start chipping away at Atlanta’s division lead and push the overachieving Mets’ head back underwater where it belongs, this shit happens. Arguably your two best pure hitters are going to be sitting on the bench until at least the All-Star break, and maybe longer. Both players also lead the all star voting at their respective positions.
Since 2007 the Phils have been pretty lucky in terms of fighting off the injury monster. I recall Utley breaking a bone in his hand, I think Rollins got hurt one year for something, and maybe Brad Lidge last season, although we would have been better off had he stayed on the DL the entire year. This season it all finally caught up with us, just like most things do in the universe. If there is any silver lining in any of this, it is that this is happening near the All Star break. In theory, both players could be back immediately after the break, missing 13 games. That’s three more Halladay starts and seven home games.
The only way to remain in this race is to stay afloat until the break. That’s assuming no one else gets hurt in the process, unless that person is Greg Dobbs, and then we can rejoice once again.
Sports Talk Radio is the Worst
You may believe this to be true. You may also believe that some random shithead pecking away at this computer is the worst thing that ever happened to journalism. It’s just that right now in Philadelphia, we’ve got a paucity of topics worth our time, so we get filler topics. Not just on the overnights, but every damn day all the time. It’s these miserable little hypothetical and barroom conversation starters that just annoy the piss out of me. Talk to me about the games, rumors, anything but this crap.
Let’s cover some of these ridiculous topics:
Is Jaime Moyer a Hall of Fame pitcher?
No. I don’t care how long he pitches. I don’t care how many wins he has. He was never a pitcher the other team was scared to face. He was never dominant. He was good for some very good Mariners teams in the early 00′s. He’s nothing special. Please stop. I know he’s a great guy and he’s from Souderton. Good for him. Name a little league field after him. But not in the Hall of Fame. This isn’t like stuffing the All-Star ballot box for Raul Ibanez. This is utter nonsense.
Why don’t people like Cole Hamels?
Because he’s different and Philadelphia doesn’t like his brand of different. He talks funny. He’s from California. He’ll never have a bloody sock or run face first into a wall. He’s a dorky kid from Cali with a hot blond wife and a ridiculous baseball player who should probably stop talking and doing commercials that air in Philadelphia for his own good because this town is poisoned against him (thanks 610). He only won us our only championship in the last 30 years. It’s the same thing as hating Iverson because he has tattoos. The ignorant minority gets on the air and colors everyone’s attitude in a moronic way.
Oh my God, we’re never going to win anything ever again without Cliff Lee.
This may or may not be true. But let’s get one thing straight: it happened. And let’s get another thing straight: Ruben Amaro is not getting fired for it. And finally, there’s no guarantee we would be any better off now, in October, or in the future for keeping him. These three kids they got back from Seattle, who knows about them at this point, other than the fact that Phillipe Aumont is not doing so hot? Who knows about the people we traded for Halladay, or even Cliff Lee? We don’t know dick. It’s fun to play these games, but for every regret, there’s a Pat Burrell. I didn’t like the trade then, I don’t like it now, but for fuck’s sake, get over it. We have more pressing things to worry about like Mike Zagurski’s featureless face.
Why can’t we trade Raul Ibanez and Joe Blanton for Tim Lincecum and call up Dominic Brown?
These callers are great because I do get a good chuckle out of the host mocking their utter lack of baseball knowledge and common sense. So these are OK. I actually love trade talk because it’s interesting when it’s coming from Buster Olney. But when it’s Gerry from Olney, it’s just a waste of my time.
Oldie But Goodie
Ok so maybe I was a little harsh on Grampa Moyer last week. I’m sorry for calling for his assassination in the backyard, just past the tool shed with a very powerful rifle. After all he has had a pretty good season considering he’s been pitching since the onset of the Korean war. He’s going to end up with 12+ wins this season and he’s pitched into the 6th inning in something like 14 of his last 17 starts. Shutting down the Yankees to three hits through 8 innings is about as probable as Keanu Reeves winning an Oscar. I don’t know where he pulls this shit from sometimes.
There will be no more anti-Moyer posts this season. He deserves better, unlike some of his teammates. However, I am working on multiple posts that I fully plan on releasing later this season. Some titles include “Blanton requests Dollar Dog night off,” “Hamels eats cock for charity,” and “Greg Dobbs: His Final Days.”
Phils Hoping For Only Two Losses
Is a sweep at the hands of the Yankees inevitable? I suppose you can take Roy Halladay’s 18-6 career record against the Yankees as a positive until you remember that the Phillies can’t score runs, even against mediocre pitchers these days. Losing two games against New York this series will surely put the Phils no better than 4.5 games out of first with the Twins on deck this weekend.
Of course there is one way to make sure all of this doesn’t happen, even considering we have to watch Kyle Kendrick and Jamie Moyer pitch the next two games against Burnett and Pettite: score some f’ing runs. Somehow over the past 35 or so games, the very thing that has kept the Phillies relatively dominant the past three seasons has totally abandoned them. What is the magic number these guys need to focus on to get back into this season?
Phillies record when scoring 6 or more runs this season: 15-1.
Phillies record when scoring 5 or more runs this season: 15-4.
Phillies record when scoring 4 or less runs this season: 11-25.
Seems simple right? Score five runs and you win 80% of your games. The guess here is most teams have a pretty good record when they score 5+ runs, but then again most teams don’t have the luxury of arguably the most potent offense in all of baseball. Or so we thought. As much as we want Moyer, Blanton, and Kendrick burnt at the stake, the thing that is killing this team right now is not the starting pitching, it’s these clowns hacking at garbage pitches and not hitting the ball over the fence. Now 17th in baseball in home runs, 20th in batting average, and 24th in hits, there seems to be no end in sight.
So once again, I’m going to lay off the pitching for the next two weeks. I’m focusing on six runs. I don’t give a shit who they are playing against.
Old Yeller Him. Please.
It’s a good thing the Phillies don’t play the Red Sox every game, because there is a good chance they’d finish the season 0-162. Last night was pretty much par for the course as we watched Jamie Moyer shit his adult diapers and take the Phils out of the game before they had a chance to do anything. It’s bad enough when your team has trouble scoring runs, but it’s a hundred times worse when you put said team in a nine run hole by the 2nd inning. Imagine being a major league baseball payer and hearing that instead of facing a 24 year old young gun that night, you get to face a pitcher that pitched while Steve Carlton was still in the league. The Boston fans were so goddam bored that they started doing Celtics chants. In the 2nd inning.
You know as a fan that your team is in trouble when you look at that day’s starters and you say to yourself “oh fuck Moyer’s pitching tonight? Didn’t he just pitch?” every five days. Even though you know it’s his turn, it’s always a giant, steel-toed kick in the nuts every time. And frankly, I don’t need to hear fans say how good he’s been (for his age, of course always part of the argument). His ERA jumped over a full run last night and now he’s in his comfort zone with a 5+ mark. The simple question is this: do you want Jamie Moyer starting an important game down the stretch when your team needs a win? If your answer is yes, you obviously haven’t watched a single baseball game in your entire life.
This team has bigger problems than Jamie Moyer right now, that is apparent, but watching them continue to trot him out there every five days makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a box cutter.
At Least Ryan Howard is Hitting Something
Ryan Howard may not exactly pull the same quality of trim as say, George Clooney, but the guy isn’t doing half bad either. And he’s usually pretty stealth about his personal affairs which he does deserve some credit for (are you reading this Shane Victorino you scumbag?) He gets his shit taken care of between the sheets and then let’s his scummies out the door just in time for him to hit the continental breakfast. Apart from being hung like a beluga whale, I’m sure the $190 million dollars he will earn in the first ten years of his career helps in the foreplay department. That amount of money, by the way, is more than any player in baseball history has ever earned in their first ten seasons. So F you A-Rod.
In the old news department, the most recent chick Ryno was powerjacking was Krystle Campbell, an Eagles cheerleader who also used to apparently “hang out” with Jeff Carter. Krystle is ok, sort of like the rest of the Eagles cheerleaders are just ok. I have no idea where they find these chicks to be honest. Krystle is one of those girls who goes to the shore one summer and comes back looking like John Candy. Those pesky funnel cakes will do it every time.
So anyway, the woman pictured at the top of the post is Ryan Howard’s new girlfriend. Who is she? Only a Victoria’s Secret model with the body of a…Victoria’s Secret model. She’s been in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit issue along with dating Nick Cannon. If you know who Nick Cannon is then you should probably punch yourself in the nuts. Where did he find this chick? She looks like the type of girl who wouldn’t step foot in Philly because it smells too much like subway piss.
“Selita Ebanks was born on February 15th 1983 in Georgetown, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands. She is of Irish, African, Caymanian, Jamaican and Indian descent and was raised in a large family that was quite poor. She lived in “a little blue, zinc-roof shack on Walkers Road” and often didn’t have shoes to wear to primary school.”
Oh boo hoo honey. Did you and your brothers have to hunt neighborhood dogs for food and re-use toilet paper too? I hate sob stories like this. I had it much worse than her by far. I had to grow up in West Chester, which is ten miles from Coatesville. And you don’t want to live near Coatesville. Ever.
The Phillies Make Me Want to Drink Too, Kid
I Guess It Could Be Worse
The last three weeks of Phillies baseball has been harder to watch than granny porn. Unable to score runs, wasting “great” starting pitching from Kyle Kendrick and Jamie Moyer, suffering bleeding of the ears listening to Wheels put a glimmer of sunshine on every mistake the team makes, the fielding errors, and all of Greg Dobbs. And did I mention Greg Dobbs?
On the surface, offensively they should probably think about picking it up soon. Overall in the majors the team is 16th in batting average, 12th in home runs, 18th in RBIs, and 24th in hits. Middle of the road bullshit stats for a team that should not be middle of the road. Last season the Phillies finished 23rd, 3rd, 4th, and 15th, respectively; however, the awful 2009 team batting average (and subsequently, hits) may have had something to do with the fact that Jayson Werth, Pedro Feliz, Carlos Ruiz, and Jimmy Rollins all finished the season under .270. And let’s not forget the less than stellar seasons off the bench of Matt Stairs (.194) and, you guessed it, Greg Dobbs (.247). Oh yea and this year they are 27th in steals too. Awesome.
This season against NL East opponents not named the Nationals, the Phils have only managed a 9-12 record including 4-8 on the road. Think that’s bad? Check out the upcoming June series schedule: Marlins (home), Red Sox (away), Yankees (away), Twins (home), Indians (home), Blue Jays (road), and Reds (road). There is one gimme in there, and that’s Cleveland. It’s enough to make you wonder if there really is a reason no NL team has reached three straight World Series since 1944.
Are there any bright spots?
It’s easy to pore over large amounts of data and try and find statistics that strengthen your argument (see most of my posts). In order to support the argument that the Phils will return to the top of the NL, I don’t think you need to dig that deep (yet). First, look at the standings. Even after a 6-12 record in the last 18 games, the Phils find themselves 2.5 games behind the best record in the NL which is still somehow currently held by the Padres. The Braves may be up two games, but they’ve also played two more games than the Fightins. After 55 games last year, the Phils were 33-22 and then proceeded to go on a 4-12 run over their next 16 games.
What is going on with these guys on the DL? Rollins, Happ, and Madson will be back eventually…right? It will be addition by subtraction. Wouldn’t swapping Juan Casto and Kyle Kendrick out of the lineup be the cure for any team mired in a slump? Wouldn’t moving Victorino out of the leadoff spot be a good thing? Wouldn’t having less of Danys Baez in general benefit all parties involved? I feel like we are a modern day version of Anne Frank, typing away here waiting for someone to rescue us. Dear Phillies, we want to be rescued. Like now.
Brad Lidge: A Bright Spot?
So the story from last night’s Phillies’ victory of the Padres could be many things: Halladay’s first start after the perfect game, Jim Joyce getting booed for being an assclown, a Phillies hitter getting two extra base hits in a game, or even the fact that they won.
The slump is still alive. They only managed six hits all game against a wild Mat Latos. And they get a relatively hot Jon Garland tonight, so get ready for 0-3 runs and a lot of shouting “come the fuck on Raul” at the TV again.
I was most pleased to see Brad Lidge pick up a painless save against the heart of the Padres lineup (if you can really call it that…if you think the Padres are winning the NL West with that lineup, you’re deranged enough to be a Real Housewives show). Of course, the eighth was an adventure courtesy of JC and JC. If we’ve learned anything so far, it’s that nothing is going to be easy with this Phillies team, except making filthy amounts of money.
I think it’s time guys. Seriously.
I’m debating how much time I want to devote to the Phillies these days. No panic here, but three games behind the Braves? Deep down I know they are going to bust out of this slump (I believe this weekend in a big way, actually) but jesus christ guys. What the hell is going on in that clubhouse? If Charlie has to go to the press to bitch about you having big egos and getting complacent, then that scares me. A lot. I’m no former major league ballplayer but it sure seems like Charlie is sort of/maybe/definitely breaking the code of locker room privacy with his last rant. Good for him.
I’m no MIT math scholar, but probability-wise I find it peculiar that the entire team takes a huge dump all at the same time. Ryan Howard can’t hit homers yet leads the team in singles (which frankly should never happen), Utley is hitting .164 the last three weeks, Ibanez looks like he is batting blindfolded, and don’t even get me started on Jayson Werth. You should have kept the beard buddy. And if you were going to shave, why do you insist on keeping that flavor saver? I need Jimmy back and I need him back soon.
And F you too Greg Dobbs. You make David Bell look like Mike Schmidt.
YOU’RE A HOMO
After giving up a three run bomb in a torrential downpour last night and subsequently getting wet from a little rain, Cole Hamels decided he didn’t want to pitch anymore. Which is funny, because after an hour and nine minute rain delay, 97 year old Braves pitcher Tim Hudson felt just fine. He felt so good that he went out and pitched six strong innings and got the win.
I’m done with Hamels. I dare anyone try and defend him at this point. Even if Charlie pulled him, he obviously didn’t put up a fight to stay in. Most pitchers with some balls would have demanded they stay in to keep their floundering team afloat for a few innings. Not Cole though. No, he decided to play it safe and let SIX relievers come in and mop up the abortion he left behind. Seriously what’s wrong with this guy? Maybe the team needs to wear rainbow colored hats when he pitches to get him in the zone. Maybe instead of umpires they can have Chippendale dancers calling balls and strikes. How about instead of the 7th inning stretch, his teammates tie him up and piss in his luxurious hair. Oh wait, he won’t be in the game by the seventh inning anyway so that won’t work.
Way to take the loss after pitching 0.2 innings, giving up three runs, two hits, two walks, and fucking your bullpen over with Kyle Kendrick pitching a day game the next day.
Game WON
Let me just say this. I don’t know who is going to win this series, but I sure don’t hear any of these Yankee fans chirping today. You fucking frauds, where are you? Maybe before you started running your mouths you should have taken a look at the Phillies postseason record the past two seasons. It’s 19-5, including 10-1 at home. And you douchebags thought you’d just walk into the ballpark and beat the Phillies because you are the Yankees. Please, spare me. Take a look at the rosters, take a look at the experience on the Phillies team, and take a look at who has been there recently.
All I hear out of Yankees fans is how obnoxious Phillies fans are. That’s funny. Maybe you’ll have to re-adjust that ‘Yanks in 6′ prediction you guys had at the beginning of yesterday. I hope Pedro goes out and shuts you down again, because I’m sure as fuck not scared of AJ Burnett. But I guess you’ll just win the next four right?