Chase Utley and Placido Polanco are apparently heading to the DL today, and you know what that means: Hello Greg Dobbs. Just when the Phils were poised to start chipping away at Atlanta’s division lead and push the overachieving Mets’ head back underwater where it belongs, this shit happens. Arguably your two best pure hitters are going to be sitting on the bench until at least the All-Star break, and maybe longer. Both players also lead the all star voting at their respective positions.

Since 2007 the Phils have been pretty lucky in terms of fighting off the injury monster.  I recall Utley breaking a bone in his hand, I think Rollins got hurt one year for something, and maybe Brad Lidge last season, although we would have been better off had he stayed on the DL the entire year. This season it all finally caught up with us, just like most things do in the universe.  If there is any silver lining in any of this, it is that this is happening near the All Star break. In theory, both players could be back immediately after the break, missing 13 games.  That’s three more Halladay starts and seven home games.

The only way to remain in this race is to stay afloat until the break. That’s assuming no one else gets hurt in the process, unless that person is Greg Dobbs, and then we can rejoice once again.

You may believe this to be true. You may also believe that some random shithead pecking away at this computer is the worst thing that ever happened to journalism. It’s just that right now in Philadelphia, we’ve got a paucity of topics worth our time, so we get filler topics. Not just on the overnights, but every damn day all the time. It’s these miserable little hypothetical and barroom conversation starters that just annoy the piss out of me. Talk to me about the games, rumors, anything but this crap.

Let’s cover some of these ridiculous topics:

Is Jaime Moyer a Hall of Fame pitcher?

No. I don’t care how long he pitches. I don’t care how many wins he has. He was never a pitcher the other team was scared to face. He was never dominant. He was good for some very good Mariners teams in the early 00′s. He’s nothing special. Please stop. I know he’s a great guy and he’s from Souderton. Good for him. Name a little league field after him. But not in the Hall of Fame. This isn’t like stuffing the All-Star ballot box for Raul Ibanez. This is utter nonsense.

Why don’t people like Cole Hamels?

Because he’s different and Philadelphia doesn’t like his brand of different. He talks funny. He’s from California. He’ll never have a bloody sock or run face first into a wall. He’s a dorky kid from Cali with a hot blond wife and a ridiculous baseball player who should probably stop talking and doing commercials that air in Philadelphia for his own good because this town is poisoned against him (thanks 610). He only won us our only championship in the last 30 years. It’s the same thing as hating Iverson because he has tattoos. The ignorant minority gets on the air and colors everyone’s attitude in a moronic way.

Oh my God, we’re never going to win anything ever again without Cliff Lee.

This may or may not be true. But let’s get one thing straight: it happened. And let’s get another thing straight: Ruben Amaro is not getting fired for it. And finally, there’s no guarantee we would be any better off now, in October, or in the future for keeping him. These three kids they got back from Seattle, who knows about them at this point, other than the fact that Phillipe Aumont is not doing so hot? Who knows about the people we traded for Halladay, or even Cliff Lee? We don’t know dick. It’s fun to play these games, but for every regret, there’s a Pat Burrell. I didn’t like the trade then, I don’t like it now, but for fuck’s sake, get over it. We have more pressing things to worry about like Mike Zagurski’s featureless face.

Why can’t we trade Raul Ibanez and Joe Blanton for Tim Lincecum and call up Dominic Brown?

These callers are great because I do get a good chuckle out of the host mocking their utter lack of baseball knowledge and common sense. So these are OK. I actually love trade talk because it’s interesting when it’s coming from Buster Olney. But when it’s Gerry from Olney, it’s just a waste of my time.

Actually, I’m not sure what’s worse: breaking two vertebrae or being drafted by the Sixers. Both cause a lot of pain and suffering. Both are potentially crippling to all of your hopes and dreams. You at least get paid to be a Sixer, although at times, it probably feels like being paid to chew off  your fingers.

You may be wondering, why so negative? New coach, new starting 2, no more Dalembert. Well, it’s still the Sixers and the odds are good that something will go wrong. You still have Ed Stefanski running the show. Comcast cares more about stealing your money than building a winner. And there’s still going to be no one at the games next year. Does Evan Turner make anyone want to spend a night in that soulless cavern where the sideshow bullshit is often more interesting than the games?

Let’s look at this team as currently put together:

PG: Holliday, Williams
SG: Turner, Green, Meeks
SF: Iggy, Kapano
PF: Young, Speights, Nocioni
C: Brand, Hawes, Smith

Is this a .500 basketball team? Possibly. Should any of us give two shits and a fuck? Honestly, no. Fire Trader Ed, hire Kevin Pritchard, trade Iggy, turn Willie Green into glue, make Brand disappear and let’s just stink again. Draft some 1 and done college animal next year and let’s build something great that no one will care about and all the racist old white people will complain about on 610.

Oh, and fuck Hip Hop.

Having to “root” for the Celtics or the Lakers is sort of like rooting for Clay Aiken or Adam Lambert to see who takes your little brother’s anal virginity. It’s painful. Having ABC bleep out every other word because some scary black men are cursing during the heat of battle is totally un-American. And continuing to deep throat Kobe by giving him, and not Pau Gasol, the Finals MVP just shows how disgraceful the NBA really is. If I were Kobe’s wife tonight, I’d crazy glue my butt cheeks together so that psychopath doesn’t turn my anus into a manhole. And the biggest loser in all of this is me not taking the Celtics +7 tonight, which may have been the most obvious sports bet in the history of time. Fuck my life.

But like all things in this world there is a silver lining. Yes America, Adam Morrison finally got his ring. He can proudly display his championship ring right next to his streak-stained gym shorts and beard trimmer. Thousands of hours in the gym working on his NBA game finally paid off. Too bad none of his teammates wanted to hug him during the celebration because they would have gotten a nose full of fecal particles emanating from his diarrhea stache.

Kill me now.

You know it’s one thing to use the word “gay” when you’re walking down the street with some friends, spot a puppy nibbling on a bone in the sunshine, cool breeze flowing over you and say “I feel so gay right now.” Maybe you’re playing frisbee in the park, picnic basket off to the side, barely legal teenagers prancing around in their bikinis off in the distance and you yell out to the heavens “This day is so gay and I can’t contain myself!”

Or maybe you’re a Chicago Blackhawk player who just won the team’s first Stanley Cup on the worst clinching goal in the history of sports, and instead of celebrating graciously in the showers with your lathered up, muscly teammates, you decide it would be cooler to call the opposing team’s least gay player “gay.” Wouldn’t karma be so much cooler if Chris Pronger walked into the locker room, dragged Patrick Kane by his cute, curly hair and pork plowed his anus with so much force his nose and mouth bled uncontrollably? Now THAT would be gay.  In a good way.

Ok so maybe I was a little harsh on Grampa Moyer last week. I’m sorry for calling for his assassination in the backyard, just past the tool shed with a very powerful rifle. After all he has had a pretty good season considering he’s been pitching since the onset of the Korean war. He’s going to end up with 12+ wins this season and he’s pitched into the 6th inning in something like 14 of his last 17 starts. Shutting down the Yankees to three hits through 8 innings is about as probable as Keanu Reeves winning an Oscar. I don’t know where he pulls this shit from sometimes.

There will be no more anti-Moyer posts this season. He deserves better, unlike some of his teammates. However, I am working on multiple posts that I fully plan on releasing later this season. Some titles include “Blanton requests Dollar Dog night off,” “Hamels eats cock for charity,” and “Greg Dobbs: His Final Days.”

Is a sweep at the hands of the Yankees inevitable? I suppose you can take Roy Halladay’s 18-6 career record against the Yankees as a positive until you remember that the Phillies can’t score runs, even against mediocre pitchers these days. Losing two games against New York this series will surely put the Phils no better than 4.5 games out of first with the Twins on deck this weekend.

Of course there is one way to make sure all of this doesn’t happen, even considering we have to watch Kyle Kendrick and Jamie Moyer pitch the next two games against Burnett and Pettite: score some f’ing runs. Somehow over the past 35 or so games, the very thing that has kept the Phillies relatively dominant the past three seasons has totally abandoned them. What is the magic number these guys need to focus on to get back into this season?

Phillies record when scoring 6 or more runs this season: 15-1.

Phillies record when scoring 5 or more runs this season: 15-4.

Phillies record when scoring 4 or less runs this season: 11-25.

Seems simple right? Score five runs and you win 80% of your games. The guess here is most teams have a pretty good record when they score 5+ runs, but then again most teams don’t have the luxury of arguably the most potent offense in all of baseball. Or so we thought. As much as we want Moyer, Blanton, and Kendrick burnt at the stake, the thing that is killing this team right now is not the starting pitching, it’s these clowns hacking at garbage pitches and not hitting the ball over the fence. Now 17th in baseball in home runs, 20th in batting average, and 24th in hits, there seems to be no end in sight.

So once again, I’m going to lay off the pitching for the next two weeks. I’m focusing on six runs. I don’t give a shit who they are playing against.

Desean, Desean, Desean. I’m still not sure what to think of you. You’re obviously a ludicrously talented fellow who will likely be frightening white safeties all over the NFL once again next year.

But you also skipped OTAs to hang out with Josh Smith instead of, you know, getting reps with Kevin Kolb, the QB whose takeover you pretty much helmed.

Then I watch your highlights from last year, and well shit, you could pretty much take a dump on the Liberty Bell, and I’d still want you catching passes in midnight green.

Ultimately, I think it all comes down to one picture for me.

He’s smiling, but he ain’t happy. He’s pissed as shit that jersey has a 2 on it. And he’s pissed because he’s getting paid #2 money. And he’s taken being pissed into being a beast on the field and lighting people on fire. I think the Eagles need to make it right for him as best they can because I’m not sure he’s going to be OK when his contract is up if they don’t. A contract is a contract, but a superstar is a superstar. And a superstar might be a jerk, and that’s alright. Better than him being a clown…

Ghost writer Dr. Matthew Brukman submitted a rare college football piece for City of Pain. It certainly is relevant considering the completely comical state of re-alignment unfolding right now.

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Hi everyone, and thanks to our kind proprietors for letting me guest post.

The recent development of Nebraska moving to the increasingly misnamed Big Ten provides a choice opportunity to discuss the current college football system, how conference expansion is getting out of hand, and what (radical) structural changes might make a good remedy.

(Ironically, as a Wisconsin man, I’ve long hoped for a regular series matching Bucky and the Huskers. Unfortunately, this coming to pass is actually an omen of a major conference being stripped for parts by other leagues in their quest for TV dollars.)

It’s obvious that conferences today are too big and too unwieldy. The SEC and Big 12 are making a decent go of it, but the conference schedules are unbalanced, which is more of a problem for basketball than football. The ACC expanded both for the money and try to become a football conference. I don’t think it has been a success at the latter, while its basketball prestige has suffered. Conference USA is a joke, full stop. The Big East is too damn big to hold a proper basketball tournament. Big Ten’s expansion made sense, but now its schedules are unbalanced. The Pac 10 desperately wants to ruin a good thing.

It is not enough to halt conference expansion — the leagues must be broken into smaller pieces. The ideal size is 8 or 9 schools. Both formats allow a round-robin schedule in football (home-and-home for hoops, too) while the former offers a clean 3 round basketball tournament and a football season with no byes. The 9-school league gives each team equal numbers of home and away games and an extra game (or two) that might provide better gate revenue than a non-conference patsy opponent.

Here are some ground rules for the re-alignment process:

-Conferences must be a geographically compact as possible.

-Rivalries shall be maintained when feasible.

-All schools are in the same conference for both football and basketball if they field an FB team. If they don’t have a football team, then they are not in a conference with other basketball-only schools.

-No independents.

Onto the schedule. Each team gets 11 regularly scheduled games, meaning 3 or 4 non-league games. They can be used to keep rivalries going, play cupcakes, or a glamour game. I’d impose a rule that there cannot 2+ more home non-conference games than road games.

God intended football to be played on Thanksgiving weekend, so there will be games pitting conference champions against each other (not on neutral sites) as mini-bowl games. (Actual bowl games and the so-called National Championship is a whole other story.) There are 82 days between the first Saturday in Sept and the 4th Thursday in November. This allows starting labor day weekend, playing 11 games, taking an weekend off , and then playing while the rest of the nation sleeps off its turkey hangover.

Here is my proposed re-alingment (121 teams listed to account for S. Alabama becoming I-A in 2013).

It’s a good thing the Phillies don’t play the Red Sox every game, because there is a good chance they’d finish the season 0-162. Last night was pretty much par for the course as we watched Jamie Moyer shit his adult diapers and take the Phils out of the game before they had a chance to do anything. It’s bad enough when your team has trouble scoring runs, but it’s a hundred times worse when you put said team in a nine run hole by the 2nd inning. Imagine being a major league baseball payer and hearing that instead of facing a 24 year old young gun that night, you get to face a pitcher that pitched while Steve Carlton was still in the league. The Boston fans were so goddam bored that they started doing Celtics chants. In the 2nd inning.

You know as a fan that your team is in trouble when you look at that day’s starters and you say to yourself “oh fuck Moyer’s pitching tonight? Didn’t he just pitch?” every five days. Even though you know it’s his turn, it’s always a giant, steel-toed kick in the nuts every time. And frankly, I don’t need to hear fans say how good he’s been (for his age, of course always part of the argument). His ERA jumped over a full run last night and now he’s in his comfort zone with a 5+ mark. The simple question is this: do you want Jamie Moyer starting an important game down the stretch when your team needs a win? If your answer is yes, you obviously haven’t watched a single baseball game in your entire life.

This team has bigger problems than Jamie Moyer right now, that is apparent, but watching them continue to trot him out there every five days makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a box cutter.

Here are a few pictures of what looks like Blackhawks fans partying with a solid 75 people in the streets of Chicago yesterday with some thing called the Stanley Cup. I say that because when reporters asked the fans in the streets if they were there to see the Cup, 80% of them looked at the reporter puzzled and said “nah, we’re just here for da brats guy, whatsa standley cup and wire all dees people in da streets?” It’s crazy to think that a good 50 of them probably had to call out sick from work just to go see this. What a sports city.

If this would have been in Philly, there would have been 100,000 wasted Italians in South Philly rioting for three straight days, surviving on a steady diet of beer and violence. The city of Chicago deserve this cup about as much as the Native Americans deserved murderous, greedy European settlers landing on the beaches of Plymouth.

City of Pain has long been known (and usually will be) for reporting and propogating despair and athlete hate. It’s in our blood, sorry. This website exists and was founded in 2007 because we needed a way to vocalize our anger. Like most things in life, it’s easier to focus on what isn’t working than what is.

This is one proverbial stitch in time that deserves our recognition.

Let me (and not the slouches at Philly.com who will continue to post us on their blogroll) be the first to say that the 2009-2010 Philadelphia Flyers will go down as one of the most important teams in the history of Philadelphia sports. The lessons of playing when it matters most and never giving up have frankly moved me more than I thought. Believing in the concept of destiny has never been what this city was about. We should have been the capital of the country (have fun with that DC) and were once the forefront of America in every sense of the word (good luck with that NYC, hope nothing ever bad happens to you…oh wait), but we’ve gotten over that. We have remained true to what we are, and that is a city which simply wants to fight and win. If you give us that (see Rocky I), we’ll love you forever, no matter what the result may be. Rarely we win, and often we lose.

There have been teams that have conjured up these same emotions. The 2001 Sixers, the 2005 Eagles, the 1987 Flyers, and the 1993 Phillies. Dates, names, seasons, it’s all the same bullshit. I often dream that any of these teams could have held a championship banner, but then I feel guilty depriving a seven year old Ivory Coast(ian?) boy of his 1997 Flyers Stanley Cup Championship t-shirt and the tears start falling. Those teams just couldn’t get the job done, and unfortunately, always as the underdogs. In a way these teams hold as much, if not more, mysticism than the championship teams. There is something about wondering what could have been that makes what wasn’t, more attractive.

I’d like to be the first person to welcome this season’s Flyers to the pantheon of teams that will never die in our blackened, bitter hearts. Honestly. With the exception of the 1993 Phils, I refuse to believe this city wanted a championship as bad as we did with this team. And again with the exception of the 1993 Phils, this is the only instance where I will be PROUD to wear a conference championship t-shirt acknowledging your accomplishments. I don’t give a fuck whether you were a #7 seed or a negative 20 seed….you gave it your best effort (except that last goal….i, i, what goal, i don’t know what you’re talking about?) We will never forget that.

The only thing I have to say to this team is this: keep your eyes on the FUCKING prize. The crowd, the parade, the Cup. Fraudulent or not, have you seen how this city all of a sudden rallied around you like you were the 1980 Olympic USA hockey team? There is a very logical reason you were so successful at home in the playoffs. However you want to quantify why you had the advantages you did, so be it. If you want to increase the chances of getting deeper in the playoffs you obviously know that it starts with more games at home, which ultimately means you need to take care of your shit during the regular season. You won’t be seeing too many 7-8 matchups in the Conference Finals FYI.

WE ARE PROUD OF YOU.

There is nothing at all wrong with finishing to a slightly more talented team. Afterall, Chicago is famous for many things: slaughtering the Chippewa Indians, being the forefather of American racial divide with the 1919 race riots where you drowned an African-American teenager on the South Side beach and set off the next 100 years of racism, and invented a”pizza” that tastes like fucking shit.

When the odds for game six opened on Monday, the Flyers were a -125 home favorite. This was a little shocking considering they have won seven straight home games in the playoffs and manhandled the Blackhawks in game four in Philly. A must win game, in front of arguably the best crown in the entire NHL, against a goalie who has not lost a game at home, and playing against a city that just publicly humiliated the best defensive player in the entire league.  I’m not buying it.

So what are the odds today? Vegas basically has the game dead even at -110 and -105 in most places. So not only were the Flyers a slight favorite in the beginning, but the line movement is telling us that the smart money has been pouring in on Chicago. The only thing that could possibly make this happen is believing Chicago is a superior team after a relatively easy game for them in game five. Other than that….you got me.

What the hell is this bullshit?

Ryan Howard may not exactly pull the same quality of trim as say, George Clooney, but the guy isn’t doing half bad either. And he’s usually pretty stealth about his personal affairs which he does deserve some credit for (are you reading this Shane Victorino you scumbag?) He gets his shit taken care of between the sheets and then let’s his scummies out the door just in time for him to hit the continental breakfast. Apart from being hung like a beluga whale, I’m sure the $190 million dollars he will earn in the first ten years of his career helps in the foreplay department. That amount of money, by the way, is more than any player in baseball history has ever earned in their first ten seasons. So F you A-Rod.

In the old news department, the most recent chick Ryno was powerjacking was Krystle Campbell, an Eagles cheerleader who also used to apparently “hang out” with Jeff Carter. Krystle is ok, sort of like the rest of the Eagles cheerleaders are just ok. I have no idea where they find these chicks to be honest. Krystle is one of those girls who goes to the shore one summer and comes back looking like John Candy.  Those pesky funnel cakes will do it every time.

So anyway, the woman pictured at the top of the post is Ryan Howard’s new girlfriend. Who is she? Only a Victoria’s Secret model with the body of a…Victoria’s Secret model. She’s been in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit issue along with dating Nick Cannon. If you know who Nick Cannon is then you should probably punch yourself in the nuts. Where did he find this chick? She looks like the type of girl who wouldn’t step foot in Philly because it smells too much like subway piss.

“Selita Ebanks was born on February 15th 1983 in Georgetown, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands. She is of Irish, African, Caymanian, Jamaican and Indian descent and was raised in a large family that was quite poor. She lived in “a little blue, zinc-roof shack on Walkers Road” and often didn’t have shoes to wear to primary school.”

Oh boo hoo honey. Did you and your brothers have to hunt neighborhood dogs for food and re-use toilet paper too? I hate sob stories like this. I had it much worse than her by far. I had to grow up in West Chester, which is ten miles from Coatesville. And you don’t want to live near Coatesville. Ever.

The last three weeks of Phillies baseball has been harder to watch than granny porn. Unable to score runs, wasting “great” starting pitching from Kyle Kendrick and Jamie Moyer, suffering bleeding of the ears listening to Wheels put a glimmer of sunshine on every mistake the team makes, the fielding errors, and all of Greg Dobbs. And did I mention Greg Dobbs?

On the surface, offensively they should probably think about picking it up soon. Overall in the majors the team is 16th in batting average, 12th in home runs, 18th in RBIs, and 24th in hits. Middle of the road bullshit stats for a team that should not be middle of the road. Last season the Phillies finished 23rd, 3rd, 4th, and 15th, respectively; however, the awful 2009 team batting average (and subsequently, hits) may have had something to do with the fact that Jayson Werth, Pedro Feliz, Carlos Ruiz, and Jimmy Rollins all finished the season under .270. And let’s not forget the less than stellar seasons off the bench of Matt Stairs (.194) and, you guessed it, Greg Dobbs (.247). Oh yea and this year they are 27th in steals too. Awesome.

This season against NL East opponents not named the Nationals, the Phils have only managed a 9-12 record including 4-8 on the road.  Think that’s bad? Check out the upcoming June series schedule: Marlins (home), Red Sox (away), Yankees (away), Twins (home), Indians (home), Blue Jays (road), and Reds (road). There is one gimme in there, and that’s Cleveland. It’s enough to make you wonder if there really is a reason no NL team has reached three straight World Series since 1944.

Are there any bright spots?

It’s easy to pore over large amounts of data and try and find statistics that strengthen your argument (see most of my posts). In order to support the argument that the Phils will return to the top of the NL, I don’t think you need to dig that deep (yet). First, look at the standings. Even after a 6-12 record in the last 18 games, the Phils find themselves 2.5 games behind the best record in the NL which is still somehow currently held by the Padres. The Braves may be up two games, but they’ve also played two more games than the Fightins. After 55 games last year, the Phils were 33-22 and then proceeded to go on a 4-12 run over their next 16 games.

What is going on with these guys on the DL? Rollins, Happ, and Madson will be back eventually…right? It will be addition by subtraction. Wouldn’t swapping Juan Casto and Kyle Kendrick out of the lineup be the cure for any team mired in a slump? Wouldn’t moving Victorino out of the leadoff spot be a good thing? Wouldn’t having less of Danys Baez in general benefit all parties involved? I feel like we are a modern day version of Anne Frank, typing away here waiting for someone to rescue us. Dear Phillies, we want to be rescued. Like now.

It’s never good to have any player be a -5 for a game because, at a minimum, your team gave up five goals. It’s a fucking disaster when your best defenseman is a -5 in Game 5 of the Stanley Cup. It’s the worst plus-minus rating he’s ever had in a game. EVER. It’s hard to wrap your brain around how that could happen at such a pivotal moment. Here are couple reasons why it’s not all Pronger’s fault:

Goaltending: Michael Leighton, awful. Brian Boucher, awful. They had some flashes where they were getting some good saves, but it was mostly positioning not actual reaction (I’m sure someone who played goalie could tell me what percentage of being a good goalie is each trait…but positioning is only as good as the first shot). I think back to the early second period when the Blackhawks kept shooting into the mess in front of the Flyers net. Everything bounced out, but who knows off of what. Not even Boucher probably knows.

Matt Carle: Hot Carle was trying to be a hero and join the rush a little too much, even with the Flyers down 3 then 2 goals. It’s tough to gamble quite so much so early in the game because that next goal against is an absolute killer.

Chris Pronger: Perhaps Chris Pronger was Chris Pronger’s problem. He had a target on his back the whole night. He played old and worn down, like when he made a hit from Byfuglien look worse than it was by looking like a giraffe on skates. Maybe the 30 minutes of ice time a game was catching up with him, maybe not. The Blackhawks got energy from beating up on him and seemingly from scoring against him. They smelled blood.

Cute Passing: The Flyers tried to start their breakouts with cute passes out of the zone. Little touch passes and redirects. Rather than clear the zone, they wanted to recreate the OT winner…four guys tic-tac-toeing the puck up the ice for an easy goal. Guess what? Not on the road. Not on that shitty ice surface (seriously, what the fuck Chicago? Why is it 7 degrees warmer in your building?) And not against a team that forechecks like that. Stop dicking around and dump it in.

All that being said, I have some faith in this team recovering. It’s hard not to after all they’ve been through already. But they have to play smarter (looking at you Scott Hartnell, doing your best Dan Carcillo impression) and get back to physical play and shot blocking. It’s how they won games 3 and 4, and it’s how they’re going to win game 6.

So the story from last night’s Phillies’ victory of the Padres could be many things: Halladay’s first start after the perfect game, Jim Joyce getting booed for being an assclown, a Phillies hitter getting two extra base hits in a game, or even the fact that they won.

The slump is still alive. They only managed six hits all game against a wild Mat Latos. And they get a relatively hot Jon Garland tonight, so get ready for 0-3 runs and a lot of shouting “come the fuck on Raul” at the TV again.

I was most pleased to see Brad Lidge pick up a painless save against the heart of the Padres lineup (if you can really call it that…if you think the Padres are winning the NL West with that lineup, you’re deranged enough to be a Real Housewives show). Of course, the eighth was an adventure courtesy of JC and JC. If we’ve learned anything so far, it’s that nothing is going to be easy with this Phillies team, except making filthy amounts of money.

And….the Flyers are back. Holy shit are we actually going to win this thing? This team is unreal right now.

In other news, Fox 29 is reporting that a shitload of Flyers fans are going to attack the Blackhawks team bus in Center City today. The thing that I don’t get is why Chicago is even still here. Shouldn’t they have flown back last night after we whipped their asses, dominated them for the third straight game, took back the entire momentum of the series, and once again shut down their top line? Just a thought.

I’m debating how much time I want to devote to the Phillies these days. No panic here, but three games behind the Braves?  Deep down I know they are going to bust out of this slump (I believe this weekend in a big way, actually) but jesus christ guys. What the hell is going on in that clubhouse? If Charlie has to go to the press to bitch about you having big egos and getting complacent, then that scares me. A lot. I’m no former major league ballplayer but it sure seems like Charlie is sort of/maybe/definitely breaking the code of locker room privacy with his last rant. Good for him.

I’m no MIT math scholar, but probability-wise I find it peculiar that the entire team takes a huge dump all at the same time. Ryan Howard can’t hit homers yet leads the team in singles (which frankly should never happen), Utley is hitting .164 the last three weeks, Ibanez looks like he is batting blindfolded, and don’t even get me started on Jayson Werth. You should have kept the beard buddy. And if you were going to shave, why do you insist on keeping that flavor saver? I need Jimmy back and I need him back soon.

And F you too Greg Dobbs. You make David Bell look like Mike Schmidt.

So out of the blue in these playoffs Scott Hartnell has somehow learned how to play hockey at a high level again. Five goals, eight assists in 20 playoff games, and a seemingly unlimited energy source every time he is out there. Who knows why he decided to wait until the playoffs to wake up, but you won’t hear us complaining.

The guy totally dropped off the face of the planet this season. Scoring 30 goals last season, Hartnell only managed to score 14 this year.  Since the 2003-04 season with Nashville, Hartnell’s goal output was 18, 25, 22, 24, 30….and then this season happened. His assists remained consistent with last year (30), but the guy was taking shit penalties the whole year and looked like he didn’t have a clue what was happening on the ice. Maybe he was just part of an underachieving team in general, but rumors of a divorce from his wife Lisa pretty much sealed the deal for me.

Lisa is pretty hot. She looks like she should be living in a cottage in the mountains of Belgium milking goats and sowing tablecloths out of unicorn hair. Maybe the allure of dating a professional athlete clouded her vision from seeing she was marrying Carrot Top minus the steroids and plastic surgery. Or maybe she started banging Jeff Carter (allegedly). Either way, it had to be quite a year for Scotty going from Lisa to rotten bar slags in Old City each night.

At this point I’m still not sure the Flyers won that game because it felt like they should have given up about three goals in OT alone. Jesus Christ. I don’t think I even enjoy watching these games at this point. Is this what playoff hockey is about because my internal organs feel like they went 12 rounds with an enraged Tonya Harding after every goddam game. No wonder every Canadian male between the ages of 13-71 is a pathetic alcoholic.

Chris Pronger on the ice for 32:07? Is that a typo? The guy is like the T-1000, except less of a pussy.

Hockey is a weird sport. It’s almost like if the Flyers can win game 4, the series is all of a sudden theirs to lose.  And with the full growth of all of these playoff beards, who knew there were so many gingers in the NHL? It’s like an epidemic. Can someone please notify the Department of Homeland Security…we’re being invaded by fire hobbits.

So we’re still alive kids. The Flyers managed to find a way  to win a game that had me more excited than Miley Cyrus in the Knicks’ locker room. It wasn’t always pretty. Michael Leighton still scares me sometimes, sort of like every other Flyers goalie since Hextall (the early years). Consistent puck pressure was harder  to find than a Blackhawks fan in the crowd. And not stopping for a replay for 1:45 was about the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Who made up that rule? BP?

Things to watch for in Game 4:

Orange You Going to Wear That? – You got a free t-shirt. You knew damn well that you we’re going to. Yet you wear some shade of orange that is more butternut squash and less orange. You look like a retard. Put on the damn free shirt so we look a little better on TV.

Just Like NKOTB, Danny is a Big Loser – I noticed this early in the 3rd. Lots of Leino. No Carcillo. Thank god. The whole team was hitting and flying around. We didn’t need a loose cannon with his pre-pubescent facial hair and utter lack of hockey IQ. Strike 1 was the BS charge call. Strike 2 was the hideous turnover. Coach, please leave him on the bench. Bring back JVR, or just keep double shifting players like Leino, Asham, Powe, etc.

Planet Fitness – This is around the time in the series that the Bruins started tiring from the pace the Flyers have been playing with. There were certainly signs of this becoming a factor for Chicago next game. You saw it in the weak change that led to Giroux’s goal. I think we’re going to see some more Friday. Thanks to Laviolette, this team is in superior shape. As of right now, the man is a fucking genius and I’d almost put him on the top of the Philly coaching list based on the Phillies’ slide.

After giving up a three run bomb in a torrential downpour last night and subsequently getting wet from a little rain, Cole Hamels decided he didn’t want to pitch anymore. Which is funny, because after an hour and nine minute rain delay, 97 year old Braves pitcher Tim Hudson felt just fine. He felt so good that he went out and pitched six strong innings and got the win.

I’m done with Hamels. I dare anyone try and defend him at this point. Even if Charlie pulled him, he obviously didn’t put up a fight to stay in. Most pitchers with some balls would have demanded they stay in to keep their floundering team afloat for a few innings. Not Cole though. No, he decided to play it safe and let SIX relievers come in and mop up the abortion he left behind.  Seriously what’s wrong with this guy? Maybe the team needs to wear rainbow colored hats when he pitches to get him in the zone. Maybe instead of umpires they can have Chippendale dancers calling balls and strikes. How about instead of the 7th inning stretch, his teammates tie him up and piss in his luxurious hair. Oh wait, he won’t be in the game by the seventh inning anyway so that won’t work.

Way to take the loss after pitching 0.2 innings, giving up three runs, two hits, two walks, and fucking your bullpen over with Kyle Kendrick pitching a day game the next day.

Let me just say this. I don’t know who is going to win this series, but I sure don’t hear any of these Yankee fans chirping today. You fucking frauds, where are you? Maybe before you started running your mouths you should have taken a look at the Phillies postseason record the past two seasons. It’s 19-5, including 10-1 at home. And you douchebags thought you’d just walk into the ballpark and beat the Phillies because you are the Yankees. Please, spare me. Take a look at the rosters, take a look at the experience on the Phillies team, and take a look at who has been there recently.

All I hear out of Yankees fans is how obnoxious Phillies fans are. That’s funny. Maybe you’ll have to re-adjust that ‘Yanks in 6′ prediction you guys had at the beginning of yesterday. I hope Pedro goes out and shuts you down again, because I’m sure as fuck not scared of AJ Burnett. But I guess you’ll just win the next four right?

I’m not one for pre-game analysis and predictions. In fact, I fucking hate them. I saw dyed-hair douche tits AJ Pierzynski today on that abortion of a show “ESPN’s First Take” and they asked him what it would take for the Yankees to win the series. After dropping his pants, slobbering all over himself, rubbing his genitals over glossy pictures of Derek Jeter, and performing mock simulations of how he will perform oral sex on A-Rod after the Yanks sweep, they asked him the same question regarding the Phillies.

His response: “Well, I have to admit I’m trying to figure out a way the Phillies have any chance in this series and I really can’t think of any.”

This coming from a major league player who has won a world series ring in the past 5 years. Awesome. Hey ESPN, for your next segment why don’t you have one of your interns take a huge shit in the toilet and ask its opinion on next year’s Kentucky Derby. The point here being, no one is picking the Phillies to win. Yea you might hear some analysts say it will go 6 or 7 games, but they’re all picking New York.

Phillies Fans, I implore you to turn off all pre-game shit, stop reading experts picks, and forget about it all. Nobody knows what will happen (except Biff from Back to the Future). Obviously no one has watched the Phillies play all year. Apparently too many people were watching the Yankees to notice a team that is probably better than them. It’s cool because even when the Phils ‘shock the world’, it will be because New York didn’t play well. The only way the Phillies will get any credit is if we win every game 15-3.

You moron Yankees fans seem to have a short memory (see Florida Marlins 2003 World Champions).

Yea so last night Dionte Christmas got pulled over by the cops for “driving erratically in a car with heavily tinted windows” on Broad Street. “Police later learned that the car Christmas had been driving belonged to Sixer forward/center Marreese Speights, Police said. The 9mm apparently also was registered to Speights, he said.”

Oh cool. I still don’t know why the Sixers let go such a high character rookie. I mean, he went to Temple so he definitely cannot be a criminal. For all we know he was driving to Sammy Dalembert’s house to make him ‘disappear’ and salvage the 2009-2010 season for the fans. Dionte Christmas was our John Connor sent back in time to take care of the man who is going to destroy the world of Sixers fans. I demand an explanation from the Sixers front office as to why the mission was aborted. I’m waiting for a response, Ed Stefanski.

And just like that…poof.  The Dodogers are out like the fat girl in dodgeball.

So all of you 10 out of 12 Sports Illustrated experts who predicted the Dodgers would beat the Phillies in the NLCS, die. Everyone who thought the Dodgers ‘experience’ would lift them above the Phils may want to check their credentials when making your predictions next postseason. Apparently they forgot the Phillies had experience of their own.

So now, bring on the Yankees. The team that last beat us in the 1950 World Series has another thing coming for them. This team has the ‘It’ factor and in the coming days will be preparing to dispose of your primadonna, overrated team. But for now, we will celebrate. We will give every Philadelphian hope where hope used to not exist. And we will prevail. Stay tuned.

Hit the showers Manny. Last one in is a rotten egg!

So sayeth the Wikipedia and so it shall be true:

The third and perhaps most familiar source is Lewis Carroll‘s Through the Looking-Glass and what Alice Found There. Carroll, having introduced two fat little men named Tweedledum and Tweedledee, quotes the nursery rhyme, which the two brothers then go on to enact. They agree to have a battle, but never have one. When they see a monstrous black crow swooping down, they take to their heels. The Tweedle brothers never contradict each other, even when one of them, according to the rhyme, “agrees to have a battle”. Rather, they complement each other’s words. This fact has led Tenniel to assume that they are twins also physically, and Gardner goes so far as to claim that Carroll intended them to be enantiomorphs, i.e. three-dimensional mirror images.

I’d like to take this opportunity to pick a little bone with Howard Eskin and the rest of the fourth estate here in Philadelphia. It would be nice to see people call a spade, a spade. Don’t tell me that good teams run the ball more because they’re winning because they’ve already passed the ball to score a lot of points. I understand passing is an integral part of today’s NFL offense. I’m not part of the Dirty Thirty so I get that. It’s the simple fact that you can more effectively pass when teams believe that you might run. Offense is about unpredictability and execution. You can run similar plays over and over again if you have superior execution and/or they don’t know its coming. The Redskins ran the fucking counter trey and million times in the 80′s. And you couldn’t stop it because they have superior execution with the Hogs. I can’t expect Andy to teach execution, so that leaves unpredictability.

46 passes to 16 runs is not unpredictability.

Did Andy Reid feel that 4 yards a carry was not a good result in the first half?

Did Andy and Marty feel that because they were down 3-0, 10-0 and 10-3 that the run should be abandoned to save time? And then piss away every second in the final four minutes?

The Eagles’ offense has had a chance to win the game for the team several times this year (not Washington #1 because the defense was abused and not the Ravens because Donovan was apparently pregnant that day)

Dallas: 4:35 to score a TD, 2 drives, 11 plays, 21 yards
Chicago: 10:30 to score a TD, 1 drive,  11 plays, 75 yards (this is predictability and bad execution at its finest)
New York #1: 3:17 to score a TD, 1 drive, 6 plays, 31 yards 
Cinci: 2:44 to score a FG, 2 drives, 6 plays, 9 yards (I’m not even going to look at OT, because it makes the pain to real…it’s like watching bud dwyer or something)
Washington #2: 15:00 to score a TD, 5 drives (4 3 and outs), 28 plays, 20 yards in 4 drives and 90 in the last

This is not a good sign. It hints at a bigger problem that I heard someone mention on Eskin tonight. Since the Super Bowl, the Eagles have been tied or behind in 32 games and have won only 5 of them. Either the defense isn’t doing enough to help the offense come back (quite possible) or it’s that the Eagles can’t play from behind because everyone knows they’ll just keep throwing the ball time and time again.

Fire Andy.

Thank you.

There’s really not much I can say here. I didn’t get to watch the game. I just watched the highlights and read a couple articles on philly.com. But I think I know enough to understand that Andy Reid should be fired at the end of this season. He’s a stubborn bastard and he’s too stupid to realize that this isn’t 2004 anymore. His team isn’t like 2004′s. His quarterback isn’t like 2004′s. The competition isn’t like 2004′s. Only Andy Reid is trapped there, living off his 4 trips to the NFC championship game. Hopefully, Lurie realizes this and has the stones to actually change the direction of this team. Since the Super Bowl, the Eagles are a half game over .500. This is not progress. This is a team stuck in neutral. Yes, there have been injuries. Find me a team where there are no injuries. Yes, the level of our division has been improving. Again, things move in cycles.  Except here, where things move like pennies through Joe Banner’s bony claws: not at all.

Let’s look at some fun tables:

Here’s what it looks like what you sort the Eagles games by number of rushes. Hey wait, all the wins come to the top.

And hey, look here. When you sort by time of possession, the same thing happens. What a coincidence.

So it looks like running the ball and time of possession make a difference. Looking back, sacks didn’t make a huge difference across the board (did you know that the Giants totaled exactly zero sacks against us this year?) Turnovers and turnover margin had a decent correlation, but not like rushing (although you look back at the Bears game by the numbers and it makes you want to drive around with heroin and a loaded gun in your car.)

Rushing the ball wins games. Or teams that win games rush the ball. Let’s look inside those numbers a little. Looking at rushing attempts, I see two playoff teams that don’t/can’t run the ball for shit, Indy and Arizona. The top 10 has 8 likely playoff teams: Baltimore, Atlanta, Minnesota, Tennessee, Giants, Carolina, New England, Washington, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville. Same goes for the yards per game where you replace Jacksonville and Pittsburgh with the Jets and Raiders. Where do the Eagles land on these lists? 19th in attempts and 22nd in yards per game. So there’s that.

Let’s turn the tables: who are the best passing teams? In yards per game, it reads New Orleans, Arizona, Denver, Houston, Indy, Philly, San Diego, Dallas, Green Bay and Miami (what?!?). I count two playoff teams by default (Cards and AFC West winner) along with the Colts and maybe Dolphins.  So how about attempts? You can add in Jacksonville, Tampa and New England and take out San Diego, Green Bay and Miami. Eagles are #4 in attempts.

You know what makes this even worse? The Eagles’ completion percentage of 60.4% puts them 19th in the league. Yards per attempt is 6.78, again 19th. YPA is a very good barometer for shit teams. From the bottom, it goes Bengals, Browns, Seahawks, Raiders, Bears, Chiefs, Rams, Titans (uh oh) and Lions. Team passer rating? We’re looking at 22nd. Ints? 26th. I’m sure if you take out the Bengals and Ravens games, those two numbers look a lot better, but that’s not the purpose of today’s exercise. The purpose is to show that we’re a pass happy team that isn’t very good at passing because everyone knows its coming. You know why Philip Rivers put up ridiculous numbers this year? Because every defense keys on LT, even though he’s got less life in his legs than Heather Mills.

Other numbers to vomit on: Eagles are the 6th highest scoring team with the 9th best scoring defense. Our turnover margin is 0. We’ve forced more punts than any other team and have the fourth best net return against.

Overall, this season has to rank up there as one of the bigger disappointments of Big Red’s tenure. They’ve looked as good as any team all season (Giants, Cardinals)…and they’ve looked as bad as the worst teams in big games (Bengals, Ravens, Redskinsx2). The frightening thing is that the best games and the worst games ride the numbers on rushing attempts so perfectly that to deny them is to show blatant ignorance in a town that has no patience for it. Yet that is exactly what Andy has done. And that is why he should go. Leave Donovan. Leave Jim Johnson.

Fire Andy.

For some reason I have a feeling that this won’t be the last time Sammy makes the list this year. Just a hunch there. Certainly, there will be other Sixers to appear on this list because they are such frauds. Yet, none are bigger than Slammin Sammy Dalembert. Sammy is riding the bench more and more, his defending skills have eroded to almost nothing, and he still looks unbelievably clueless on the court night after night. It’s almost unbearable. Now with the injury to Elton Brand, expect to see Sammy out on the floor even more, confirming to the rest of the world how poisonous he is to the team’s success.

Let’s tackle Sammy from two angles here because it’s easier to understand just how worthless this clown is when you look at two simple facts.

#1 – Sammy is simply not talented in any way, shape, or form. Let’s just get that out of the way up front. His career numbers are 8.3 points/game, 8.0 rebounds/game, and 52% shooting from the floor in 27 minutes a game on average. This season? Try 5.8 points, 8.2 rebounds, and 45% shooting from the floor in 25 minutes a game. And the Sixers are paying him 10.5 million dollars this year, with only 48 players in the entire NBA making more than this joke. In the next two years he is owed 11.3 and 12.2 million by the Sixers. Dalembert’s best year was last year where he averaged 10 points and 10 rebounds a night, which for 60 million dollars seems almost criminal. Really? 60 million dollars for that? I could stand at half court and heave up shots and score ten points a night. This guy has been a full time player in the NBA since 2003 and he hasn’t improved his game one iota. If you look up the word ‘stagnant’ in the dictionary it will have Sammy’s picture and career stats next to it. Guarenteed.

#2 – Even more egregious than his unbearable level of talent is the fact that Sammy doesn’t give two shits about being a good player. How can we say he does? When you are in the league and don’t strive to improve then what are you? Seriously. People who are successful in this world are ones who look for advantages, look to educate themselves in their profession, whatever. Sammy? Sammy has the willpower of a homeless person. Sammy got kicked off the Canadian national team this past summer for NOT CARING. He didn’t fucking care. Do we need to say anything more? If you can’t make the Canadian basketball team as a starting NBA center then you might as well pack your bags and get the fuck out of dodge. He has zero commitment to his job and we’re stuck with him for two more years. It’s sickening.

So thanks Sammy. Thanks for swindling the team with some ungodly 60 million dollar contract that should have you thrown in jail for essentially breaching, and thanks for not getting serious about helping this franchise win anything. You are a total disgrace to the Sixers organization. I’d feel better if the Sixers gave the money to Al-Queda to finance terror attacks than give it to you. And thanks for being an amazing candidate for this award you lazy pig.

I don’t know if today is National Gay Day, Hug a Homo, Eat an Ass, or whatever it’s called, but I was both stunned and completely exhilarated to hear that America’s gays and lesbians were being urged to ‘call in gay’ today at work. Read about it here. Fucking huge right there. Why didn’t we think of this? I mean look, it’s funny to make fun of people in general and it’s even funnier to make fun of gay people because, well, they’re gay. It just makes the rest of us feel better about ourselves anyway, and that’s what life’s really about. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being gay, and there are easily qualities about certain people that make them a million times worse….like being mean, evil, dishonest, hateful, from Dallas, New York, or Boston, thinking it’s ok to work out at my gym and blow dry your ball hair at the same sink I wash my hands at, etc. So many stereotypes exist about gay people that maybe they do deserve their own day off, simply because they’ve taken so much punishment over the years. It’s not fair for ignorant minded people to think the only reason gay men have lisps is because they get their tonsils tickled so much. And please, get it out of your head that farts are like perfume to a gay man. That’s just totally wrong.

This immediately got City of Pain’s staff working on a new piece we’ll be debuting today (and each week) in honor of this brilliant idea by our nations gay leaders. 99% of the USA doesn’t want to acknowledge that homosexuals need their own day, but City of Pain does. Now for some this might be tough to “swallow”, and others may have to “bite”, not their pillows, but their tongues. Let’s just get one thing “straight” here: Gay America doesn’t need to “get down on their knees” for recognition, and the rest of us need to “loosen up and accept” the inevitable. So to Gay America, this weekly award is dedicated in your honor.

Calling In Gay Weekly Award – Hip Hop

City of Pain’s hatred for Hip Hop, the 76ers’ absurd mascot, goes all the way back to 2007. If you ranked every single mascot in sports by appearance, demeanor, likeability, and relevance, Hip Hop would rank dead last on the planet. Even behind stupid mascot of minor league baseball teams that are named after sea life. Hip Hop is the absolute bottom of the barrel in this category, and it was only fitting that he was the first winner of this award.

I don’t know who ran the 76ers marketing department when the idea of Hip Hop was first born, but my guess is that person is no longer employed. If he/she were still working there, we probably would have seen mascots dressed as horse fish running around the arena, promotional nights where they give away cupcakes and replica unicorn horns, and halftime shows featuring one of the Bernstein Bears singing Debbie Gibson songs while riding a blue giraffe wearing candy necklaces. You mean to tell me that the best you could come up with is a rabbit (that stands on two legs no less), who wears sunglasses and has a name that relates to rap music? A RABBIT???? Why not just call yourself ‘Easter Bunny’ you psycho? And it’s racist too. And after all of that, you still need a trampoline to dunk a basketball. Why would you, you’re a fucking jackrabbit!!! You shouldn’t NEED a trampoline you deceitful bastard. And whoever decided to make you look like you’re on steroids should be shot too. An absolute disgrace.

So here’s to you Hip Hop. If we ever have a ‘Calling in Gay’ Yearly Award, please note you will win that too. You are a fraud, whoever ‘invented’ you should be hung, and to make matters worse your flaccid ears are too long. Pathetic. If our basketball team’s mascot is going to be a rabbit, we might as well dress the entire team in Alice in Wonderland outfits with no underwear on. You suck Hip Hop.

Hating Sean Avery is no longer an option for me. Nope. The guy is officially my idol now. I can’t believe the NHL suspended him for what he said. I’m calling for a presidential pardon immediately, followed by every team in the NHL retiring his number like baseball did to Jackie Robinson. Sean, I just want to personally apologize for never liking you all of these years. You’re a little pesky bastard, the shit you pulled against Broduer in last year’s playoffs was amateur on your part, and that ESPN 360 show about you loving fashion and dressing Barbie Dolls when you were younger was…..questionable. But honestly man, you have been absolved of all of this in my eyes. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a good laugh yesterday and realizing what a true genius you really are.

I especially want to highlight the following reasons why you are officially my hero:

1. You’re already known as the most hated player in the league. That’s hard to do in the NHL considering the amount of goons and enforcers that exist on a regular basis. Some players are hated because they’re good (like Sidney Crosby, who has sex with men just like you do) and some players are hated because their annoying little fucks. I admire that.

2. You had a rule named after you (the “Avery Rule“). Not many players can say that.

3. You managed to get the Dallas Stars to somehow sign you to a 15 million dollar deal this off-season, even though they were completely aware that you are not that skilled as a player, and have major baggage. Genius. Whoever your agent is, please have him call me.

4. You are constantly in the spotlight saying and doing commendable shit. Some of my personal favorites are these that I found on Wikipedia today:

-Denis Gauthier of the Phoenix Coyotes body checked Kings forward Jeremy Roenick in a 2005 preseason game, giving Roenick a concussion. Avery’s response was “I think it was typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on, running around and playing tough and not back anything up,” generating much controversy with the French-Canadian public.

-Avery made news during the regular season when Georges Laraque of the Edmonton Oilers, a Black Canadian, claimed that Avery called him a monkey during an contest between the two teams. The incident was never proven and Avery adamantly denies it ever occurred.

-Avery and Anaheim Mighty Ducks broadcaster and former Montreal Canadiens goaltender Brian Hayward had a heated discussion in the Kings dressing room on April 7, 2006, over Hayward’s on air comments during the April 4 Kings vs Ducks game, in which he accused Avery of avoiding a fight with Ducks’ forward Todd Fedoruk. Avery began the argument by uttering that Hayward was an “embarrassment”, a “(terrible) announcer”, and was a “(terrible) player”. Hayward responded by saying “How would you know? When I played, you were in your third year of eighth grade.”

-Colin Campbell and the NHL fined Avery, Darcy Tucker, the Rangers, and the Toronto Maple Leafs for pre-game actions during warm ups before their November 10 meeting. Howard Berger of Toronto radio station CJCL The Fan 590 alleged that the reason for the altercation was a remark made by Avery concerning Jason Blake’s diagnosis with a rare form of Leukemia. However Avery denied making the comments.

Finally Sean, what you said yesterday about sloppy seconds was on a level of genius comparable to Einstein, Beethoven, and Bunny the Tap Dancer. You managed to completely call another guy out for banging your ex, you completely disparaged her in the process by making her look like some whore who has sex with hockey players, and you deflected a lot of this attention onto those two, in addition to yourself. I’m speechless. If you want to get back at an ex, there’s nothing more degrading then calling her out for being someone else’s sloppy seconds. Sean, I need more from you please. Looking at your track record I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Don’t let me down, and thank you.

This is for Philadelphia

Pat Burrell Says Shit (how did I not know about this?)

Singing We Are The Champions

Harry Kalas Singing High Hopes

Jayson Werth is The Man

Baby Leads the Celebration

World Fucking Champions

The Raising of the Banner

What It Felt Like to Be IN the Parade

Guy Almost Drops His Kid

The Line at the Train

The View from Above Broad and Locust

The View at Broad and Walnut

A Little Package from the AP

Cole Hamels on Letterman

Before we start here……I contemplated posting on the Sixers, but was so disgusted with them and their abortion of a performance last night that I decided against it. I think aliens came down to earth and abducted a team that was supposed to be good. Note to Ed Stefanski: Ed, I think I like where you seem to have this team headed, but let’s face the facts here. You dropped the ball giving Igudola that contract. Shame on you. Dalembert doesn’t give a shit out there when he is playing, and he does not have it in him to make himself an elite player. He’s content where he’s at, and that’s unacceptable. Trade Andre Miller as soon as you think you can get the most from him. Build the team around Brand, Young, Speights, and maybe Lou Williams, and go from there. Thanks for listening, Ed.

Hey, how about some Monday Morning recap from this weekend for a change? The NFL is so fucked up that I just need to vent.

Am I really seeing this?

I’m not going to sit here and say the Giants are overrated. I don’t think you can make that claim anymore, but how in the fuck did they get to this point? You lose Strahan, Usi, and no Plaxico and you are still steamrolling everyone in sight? It’s totally nauseating on multiple levels. I can’t even say Eli sucks anymore because he doesn’t. I want to shoot myself just admitting this. They have obviously drafted out of their minds and apparently bought into General Coughlin’s ‘team’ mantra. Gee, imagine that Eagles fans. A real team. A team that has great lines on both sides of the ball, a team that executes plays properly, and a team that runs the ball down your throat. The Giants have a 50/50 run to pass ratio on the season. There is one other team in the NFL that has the same ratio. Can you guess who that may be? Hint: They play in the state of Tennessee and are also 11-1.

Thanks for playing this year you overrated gang of numbnuts

Eagles, Chargers, Saints, Packers, and Jags – In a year where parity seems to be at an all-time high, you’d think all of these teams who have been looking up to the Patriots and Colts in recent years would seize the opportunity and make their move. Didn’t happen. Tom Brady goes down in the first quarter of the first game of the season, Peyton Manning has one knee, the Steelers have the hardest schedule (on paper) in the history of the NFL, and no one makes the move. The two teams carrying the most shame have to be the Chargers and Jags. I’m still baffled as to how the combined record of your two teams is 8-15. The bright side is that you don’t play in Philadelphia, where your hotels would have been fire-bombed weeks ago by an angry mob of Phillies World Championship gear wearing hooligans. This is a reminder of how anyone who prognosticates a team’s schedule before the season should be set on fire in front of their family. JUST SAY NO PEOPLE.

Team Schizophrenia

These are the teams that are good one year and then shitty for 4 years. These are franchises that 50% of all Eagles fans MAY consider trading places with just to feel the occasional ball tease of winning. Welcome Seahawks, Bears, Ravens, Redskins, Panthers, and Broncos. Three of these teams are Super Bowl winners while the other three have been in the Super Bowl within the past 4 years. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

Nominees for the Mediocrity Hall of Fame

Year after year the same bullshit teams go between 4-12 and 8-8 like clockwork. They’re never good enough. That would be you Vikings, Cardinals, 49ers, Rams, Bills, Texans, and Browns. Throw out each team’s best year over the last 10 and you’re left with a bubbling pile of cat shit. These teams are more offensive than the bottom of the barrel teams (below), simply because some analysts will pick you as a dark horse team and then you get donkey punched in the back of the head and take an obligatory nosedive every year. Even Eagles fans feel bad for you, and that’s saying a lot. You have to wonder how coaches, GMs, scouts, and anyone else in these organizations have jobs year after year. If you owned a company and lost money every year, would you keep the same employees on your staff continually? This baffles me.

Bottom of the Barrel Slop

Bengals, Lions, Raiders, Chiefs, and Jets. Yes, the Jets are on this list because this Brett Favre year doesn’t count. Sorry. And honestly, I do feel bad for Jets fans. I don’t even consider them a New York team. They’re just The Jets. They play in a city with teams that have won championships, yet their claim to fame is people sexually harassing women to take their tops off at games. Honorable, but not when it comes to winning. And for Favre….eventually his game-killing interception moon balls will catch up to him and before you know it, it’s 2009 and you’re struggling to win five games while vomiting blood again. The rest of the teams on this list should receive the death penalty like the NCAA gave SMU. Seriously. I mean, as an Eagles fan in the mid to late 1990s, I fully understand how being awful isn’t that bad. Eagles fans knew we’d be good eventually and we at least had fun tailgating, rioting, fighting, urinating in sinks, and getting blacked out at games while we did suck. The rest of these teams? They’ll never be good so we might as well just get rid of them forever.

What does all of this mean? Nothing. City of Pain Super Bowl prediction: Steelers 31, Giants 21.

Hey, Let’s Flip a Car

Let’s Flip Two

Hey, Let’s Rip Down Some Street Signs and a Tree

A Good Long One of The Craziness in the City

The Scene Outside the Stadium

West Chester University Gets Its Riot On

Here Come the Riot Police

The Northeast Gets Crazy

City Hall Time Lapse

The Aftermath on Broad Street

Winner and Still Champion…The Phillies Fan Getting Drilled with a Bottle -- The Director’s Cut

Matt Stairs Hammering the Ball

Guys Hammering Matt Stairs’ Ass

Shane Victorino Grand Slam off Sabathia

Brett Myers’ Walk Heard Round the World

Joltin’ Joe Blanton Goes Yard

(go to about 1:08)

Carlos Ruiz Wins Game 3

(go to about 2:55)

Phillies Win the NLDS

Phillies Win the NLCS

Bonus: 

Double Bonus: 

Chris Wheeler Celebrates and Harry’s Call of the Final Out

Collective Breath

If there’s one thing Philadelphians won’t tolerate, it’s potential damage to their city.

So that’s why someone clocks this guy in the head with a Grey Goose bottle. It’s their little way of saying, “Hey you ruffian, please abscond from that light pole before you cause any malicious harm to that stop light.” Or it could be, “Fuck! I’m out of Grey Goose and I don’t want to carry the bottle. Let me kill this asshole with it.”

And yes, I realize this is a month old and you probably already saw it. Too bad. It’s mesmerizing. Also if you have any other parade/championship YouTube favorites, send the links here or post them on our Facebook group. I’ll get bored and make a Top Ten at some point. The more vandalism and lewd behavior the better…

We don’t often delve into the world of seriousness here on CoP, but when you talk about dead athletes who cares? Many people under the age of 30 who have lived in Philadelphia and followed the Flyers may have heard of Pelle Lindbergh every so often. Many people probably know that he died. City of Pain wants everyone to take a walk down memory lane and show who this mystical, and often forgotten, Philadelphia sports legend was.

From www.theloveofsports.com writer C.G. Morelli:

“He was the last piece of the puzzle for a team, and a city, that had their hearts set on hoisting another Stanley Cup. He was a savage acrobat, a new-age Bernie Parent and, with his signature full-face hockey mask, he was a possible stunt double for Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th. Tragically, it was on a drive home from the Flyers’ practice facility in Voorhees, N.J. that ended it all for the great Pelle Lindbergh.

Pelle was only five years old when he learned how to skate on an iced-over soccer field just south of Stockholm, Sweden. By the time he was seven, his agility had already been recognized by Swedish national coach Curre Lindstrom, who urged Lindbergh to begin playing organized hockey in the Hammarby Youth League.  It was at this early stage that young Pelle began formulating a plan for himself, and he wasn’t shy about it. As a 10-year-old boy, he had already discovered his talent as a net-minder and vowed to his friends that someday he’d become the greatest goalie in the world. By the time Pelle was 12, he was playing for Hammarby’s traveling pee wee team, which routinely made trips to Leningrad and Moscow, and even Canada. It was on a trip to Toronto where he further solidified his living blueprint.

While all his teammates were soaking in the classic confines of Maple Leaf Garden, wearing newly-purchased items all embroidered with the hallowed blue leaf, Pelle took the road less traveled. He, instead, went to the souvenir shop and purchased a black and orange jersey with a curious insignia sewn to the front. It was the first time he’d ever wear a Philadelphia Flyers jersey, but certainly not the last. Pelle never played a game thereafter without the Flyers’ logo stamped somewhere on his helmet. He wore it throughout the ‘70s as he minded net for the Swedish Junior Nationals, where he played alongside future NHLers Thomas Eriksson, Hakan Sodergren and Mats Naslund.

In 1975, Pelle was named the best junior goalie in Sweden, and in 1978 led his team, Smakrongorna, to the Junior League championship. After the tournament, when asked why he wore a curious black and orange logo on his helmet, he told spectators simply, “I’m going to play for the Philadelphia Flyers.” Of course, most people scoffed at Pelle’s early prediction.  It would be hard enough just to make it to the NHL, but it would take all kinds of luck to land on one of the league’s elite teams.

But that luck would come.

In the 1979 draft, the Flyers selected Lindbergh, to the surprise of many. Before reporting to the Flyers, Pelle was selected to compete for Sweden at the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid, where he managed to bring home a bronze medal. The Swedes were the only squad who didn’t lose to the Miracle on Ice team.

That summer, Lindbergh reported to Flyers training camp to begin learning the North American style of goaltending from long-time idol Bernie Parent. With Parent’s tutelage, Pelle developed amazing quickness and led Philadelphia’s AHL affiliate in Portland to the Calder Cup. The team didn’t bring home the championship, but Lindbergh made a name for himself in a big way by bringing home an armful of hardware. He had won the Red Garrett Award as Rookie of the Year, the Hap Holmes Award for the best goaltender and the Les Cunningham award as the AHL’s MVP.

But for the next few years, Pelle was up and down between the big club and the AHL. He was inconsistent and, at one point, even asked to be traded from the team he once dreamed of playing for. In 1985, however, his dream finally took shape. The Flyers traded goalie Pete Peeters for defenseman Brad McCrimmon, officially paving the way for Lindbergh. This time he made the most of his opportunity, leading the Flyers to the Stanley Cup Finals against Edmonton with a sparkling GAA of 3.02 and a record of 40-17-7.

The Flyers weren’t able to overcome the play of Wayne Gretzky, but the fans of Philadelphia were uplifted by the future promise of their team with Lindbergh at the helm. At season’s end, he was awarded the prestigious Vezina Trophy to go along with his first-team All-NHL designation. He had become one of the NHL’s biggest stars almost overnight. In ‘85-’86, the Flyers picked up right where they left off. They shot out to a 6-2 start. Lindbergh was doing his best impression of Bernie Parent in goal, and the outlook was good for a team that was generally regarded as one of the tops in the NHL. The quick start was reason enough for coach Mike Keenan to reward his players with a rare, early-season night off.

Pelle and a few others went out for the evening, eventually finishing off the night with a few drinks at a lounge inside the Coliseum, which is the Flyers’ practice facility in New Jersey. In the early hours of the morning, he and two passengers set off in his new Porsche. He never noticed the sharp, winding curve in the road which culminated in a set of concrete school house steps, until it was too late. The two passengers survived the crash with minor injuries, but Pelle was not so lucky. He was declared brain dead a few hours later at John F. Kennedy Hospital. Two days later, after seeing no change in their son’s condition, his parents were faced with the ultimate decision. They elected to stop the respirator and spare Pelle any further suffering.

And with that, the fortunes of a future NHL legend were erased … but not from the minds of his teammates, his favorite hockey club, or the millions of fans from the Philadelphia area who had quickly grown to love their adopted Swedish son.

To them, somewhere in the backs of their minds, there will always be a lightning fast goaltender in a Friday the 13th mask making heart-stopping glove saves. To them, the memories of Pelle’s one shining season will never be lost.”

If you get a chance, go to the official site of Pelle and read about him.

The thing that really grabs me the most after reading all of this, is that you really get the sense that he would have been an absolutely amazing goaltender for many years. He had it. He was an All-Star and a Vezina Trophy winner. He was already one of the best in the league when he died, and who knows how much better he would have gotten. He was a flashy goalie with a lifestyle that included a Mercedes and a customized Porsche. He won the hearts of Philadelphia fans, whose cheers of “Pel-le, Pel-le, Pel-le”, regularly filled the Spectrum. Due to Pelle’s death, the Flyers moved on to a guy named Ron Hextall eventually. Crazy shit.

Although the Flyers never officially retired Pelle’s jersey (#31), no Flyer has ever worn that number to this day. The picture below shows all you need to know about Pelle. His teammates loved him. My guess is there isn’t a day that goes by where they don’t think about him.

One year ago, Jeff Carter was a good, but not great, player for the Philadelphia Flyers. He was sort of bunched in with Mike Richards and other former Philadelphia Phantoms who were supposed to be the youth movement for our young team. He’s been living in the shadows of Mike Richards and Simon Gagne even though Carter was the Flyers first round draft pick in 2003, being selected 11th overall. He showed glimpses of potential, but nothing more. Shit, at the beginning of last year people were creaming their jockeys talking about the potential of players like Joffrey Lupul, Scottie Upshall, and newcomer Danny Briere. Jeff Carter was on the outside looking in, with nowhere to really go. Does anyone remember the name of the player, right before last year’s trade deadline, that was being thrown around in every possible trade scenario involving the team? Yep, Jeff Carter. Let’s not overreact here though…. The guy was only 23 and still a few years away from starting the potential prime of his career, but he wasn’t producing. We didn’t need a Jeff Carter anymore because we already had five of the same player.

Then, sometime during the month of May last season, Jeff Carter transformed. He became a fucking rapist monster in the playoffs, finishing with six goals and five assists in 17 games. Not bad for a team who spreads the wealth around and produced zero offense during the Eastern Conference Finals against the Penguins. Something tells me that if Sidney Crosby wasn’t having his period during that series Jeff Carter would have raped him too. He’s 6’4″ and probably hung like a beluga whale.

His career stats are as follows:

Year        GP   G   A   Pts
2005-06    81  23  19   42
2006-07    62  14  23   37 
2007-08    82  29  24   53 
2008-09    19  14   4    18
 
Totals:     244  80  70  150

I hate projections, but right now Jeff Carter is on pace to finish with 61 goals, 16 assists, and 77 points this season (not including playoffs). Looking at his career thus far and assuming improvement, you can expect Carter to have at least 25 assists to go along with his 50-55 goals. Through 19 games he’s already halfway to his career high for goals in a season. Something has changed. 

It’s unfortunate that he’s going to have to contend with ugly Eastern European players like Malkin and Ovechkin, and Canadian closet homosexuals like Sidney Crosby for the MVP, but right now keep Carter on your radar. Something special is happening. 

For years and years, the Eagles had stability. Sure, the last couple of years there has been a decline, but we’ve lost our quarterback a few times, had the T.O. clusterfuck, and the divisional competition has gained strength. Still, deep down we thought these Eagles may have one more run left in them. McNabb was 100% healthy, Westbrook was happy and healthy, they had a talented (although young) group of defenders, and a schedule that looked to be easier, at least on paper. Shit, even Sports Illustrated had us making the Super Bowl. We all know what had happened up until yesterday’s game, so there’s no need to re-hash the previous weeks now. What needs to be discussed is the 8.0 earthquake that ripped through the Eagles organization on Sunday November 23rd, 2008 that will change the landscape of this franchise forever. FOREVER.

Miscellaneous Garbage

The Eagles had a team meeting this week where they say Andy Reid was angrier than he’s ever been before. Oops, guess you’ll need to work on those pep talks Andy because it didn’t work. At this rate you’d stand a better chance trying to convince the team to subscribe to your weight loss plan than convince them to win a game. Also, coaching against a guy in John Harbaugh who used to be on your staff, Andy Reid should have conceivably been ready with a different game plan and/or approach than normal. Obviously each week is different and game plans always change, but it’s no shocker here that teams have caught on to what the Eagles have been doing recently, and coupling that with a guy who already knows what you do to begin with would seem to the casual fan to be a week when you really get everything in order. Apparently not.

What in the Fuck are you Thinking Andy

We could put a lot of different things under this category this week. A lot. Let’s start with the obvious first. If you’re going to pull your starting quarterback of 10 years, why would you do it in a must win game (an understatement), only down 10-7 at the half, on the road, and against a very good defense? Eagles fans attending the game in Baltimore cheered wildly when Kevin Kolb first came in, but make no mistake here, it was the wrong move at the wrong time. Reid didn’t even have the balls to tell McNabb himself. After all this guy has done for you, this is how it’s going to be handled? Wow. Inexcusable. Try explaining that one again Andy. You have to name this week’s starting QB at your noon press conference today. Who’s it going to be, Andy? If you start McNabb this week, you’re all but admitting you sacrificed the game and the season yesterday (because the season is now officially over) to get a spark out of you team by putting in a guy who has never really played before. If you start Kolb this week, you’re giving a guy four days to prepare for his first NFL start, and then a road game at the Giants the following week to deal with. Is that how this was really supposed to happen? You’re fucked either way Andy. That team meeting last week sure won’t sit well with the players now, especially since you just gambled the season away with a careless maneuver.

Andy’s Game Management 101

Hey Andy, I know you passed the ball 80% of the time last week and you knew you couldn’t have a repeat performance this week against Baltimore….but you still passed the ball SEVENTY PERCENT OF THE TIME. One of McNabb’s interceptions came on….take a wild guess everyone…3rd and 1. You have Kolb drive the field down to 2nd and Inches from the goal line, only to run a play-action pass into the back of the end zone against the NFL’s #2 ranked red zone defense. Gee, I’m shocked the Ravens didn’t buy your play action there Andy. I think we’re better off just kicking a field goal every time we get in the red zone. Take the 3 points and kick the ball. Explain to me why you dress only two running backs when you know Westbrook is less than 100%. So of course when Buckhalter goes down in the 1st quarter with a sprained MCL, you’re totally fucked in the ass. Finally, watching Andy trying to once again challenge calls that are a) unchallengeable and b) a guaranteed loss of a challenge if the play was challengeable in the first place, shows me he’s fucking lost his mind.

Yesterday we saw the first glimpse of panic, flippancy, and irrational behavior from our head coach. The guy who’s been level-headed and meticulous in his planning during his entire career is gone. There are no longer cracks in the foundation here, there are bombs being detonated all over the place with each passing game. The players aren’t good enough, the game-planning and play-calling is reckless and inefficient, and the way Andy Reid is handling the media, his players, and anything resembling a crisis is disgraceful.

I want answers now. Who is going to be held accountable? Where are you Mr. Lurie?

On a side note, check out the pic below. That is NBC 10′s local anchor Jade McCarthy having her pre-coitus champagne bath from the Phillies team members.  Allegedly.  Hey Jade, rule of thumb here: when you are blond, have breasts and a vagina, enjoy the company of athletes, enjoy the companty of multiple athletes, enjoy the company of multiple athletes fondling you in a hot tub with your Leggs panty hose wrapped around your throat and a ball gag in your mouth, enjoy laughing through your worthless tears, and enjoy the taste of your own blood/mascara cocktail, then feel free to enter the Phillies locker room during a World Series celebration. If not, RUN.

The Flyers have finally done the right thing concerning their alternate jerseys. They went back to the championship days. Name plate, electric orange, and a larger logo. Awesome. This is what they will be wearing this season as their alternate jerseys and they should be commended for it. A work of art really. I’m almost speechless actually.

Not that I mind the alternate jersey they’ve been using off and on for he past 5 years, but this new look is in a whole other realm.

So this begs the question: since retro is so fucking cool, why haven’t the other teams decided to do it? I keep seeing the new Elton Brand ads where he’s wearing the early 80s Sixers unis, but it’s not their main jersey. Even when they had his first press conference he held up this same jersey for the cameras.

What about this Sixers jersey? This is the greatest of all time. Why not wear this shit? Even I’d buy one fully knowing that only wiggers wear basketball jerseys.

And why aren’t Eagles using a cool retro like the ones they wore in the early 1980s? Or even the Reggie White era kelly greens, silver pants, with black shoes? Can I please work for the Eagles marketing department and tell them how to make some money. It’s simple.

The Bengals. The goddam Bengals. You couldn’t even beat a 1-8 Bengals team who has a quarterback that doesn’t deserve to play for a Pop Warner team. The bitterness that is Philadelphia sports reared its ugly head yesterday while I was watching the worst game in the history of the NFL. It was a moment that so many of us experience quite often considering all of the dog shit teams we’ve had to endure over the past 25 years. Yesterday though, was the absolute bottom of the barrel. And I found myself wanting them to lose because somehow I thought it would make me feel better about hating them. I don’t think even Sigmund Freud could explain what goes through Eagles fans’ tormented minds during afternoons like this. I could have been watching videos of those people jumping out of the burning World Trade Center and felt better about life. I don’t even know where to begin because it’s that disgraceful. And we all thought last week was bad? Not even close. Last week was a cute fart that a baby makes. This week was a 20 pound avalanche of blood diarrhea that an elephant unleashes on a hot July afternoon.

I’ve watched a lot of commentary and listened to the talk shows about this game. I wanted to get some stats before I went any further. So thanks to Ray Didinger, NBC’s local Sunday Night show, and WIP’s morning show for enlightening me in many areas. It’s important that before I go on, I tell you the following:

1. Going into the game yesterday, the Bengals had the 25th ranked rushing defense in the NFL.

2. In 18 possessions (and in 5 full quarters), the eagles ran the ball 15 times to their running backs. That’s 76 plays in total, with 15 runs. On a windy day in Cincinnati, and against one of the worst rushing defenses in football, the Eagles ran the ball 20% of the time.

3. Of the 18 third downs the Eagles offense faced, they converted three of those opportunities for a 17% success rate. Of those 18 plays, the Eagles passed the ball SEVENTEEN times, and were sacked in the other play. So no matter how many yards they needed on third down, Andy Reid decided to throw the ball every single time. On a windy day. And against the 25th ranked rushing defense in the NFL.

4. Fully knowing that in order to make the playoffs, his team would most likely have to win nine games minimum (more likely 10 wins) to jump either Dallas or Washington, Andy Reid decided to play for the tie instead of going for the win. Apparently in his mind, a tie is better than a loss. And apparently in my mind Andy, you’re a fucking idiot.

First things first here. If you need a win and you’re playing the Bengals, you go for it. You’re probably not going to get a better shot than that. It shouldn’t even be a question. Secondly, during post game interviews the Bengals said they knew what plays the Eagles were going to run. Sound familiar? Umm, is Andy Reid selling his weekly playbook on eBay or maybe, JUST MAYBE, teams have finally figured him out? Tough call there. Andy, when the other teams know what plays you’re going to run, it makes it difficult to win most weeks.

Finally, let’s talk about the 400 pound ginger football coach in the room. Players not knowing the rules of overtime, and that a game can end in a tie, might be the most mind-boggling, disgraceful, pathetic, disgusting, asinine, and ridiculous thing I have ever seen or heard in all my years following sports. I knew this rule when I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. When the referee flips the coin at the beginning of overtime, he cleary says the rules. LJ Smith wake up douche tits! You were standing right next to the ref when he said the game would end in a tie at the end of the 15 minute period. It was only fitting that the Bengals missed the field goal and made this game a tie. It would have made things so much easier in the long run had they just won. Looking back on it, I should have known something was up when Mike Patterson was going ballistic after the Bengals missed the game winning field goal in overtime. Uh, cool Mike, you’re going to tie now. I mean I could MAYBE understand if you’ve been in the league 1-2 years and you don’t know, but if your a 4+ year veteran of this league who’s played in multiple overtime games (both in the regular season and the playoffs) and you don’t know the rules? I almost feel like you don’t deserve your job. A total fucking disgrace.

And McChoke…..where to even begin with him. It’s 100% apparent that he’s gone after the season, if not before. You can write that down and I’ll sign it with my own blood. He used to not be able to stay healthy. Now, he just sucks. Three interceptions yesterday could have easily been six, yet fortunately for McChuckles the Bengals defenders caught the balls as well as the Eagles receivers did. His passes suck, his decision-making sucks, and his brain sucks. We all knew he scored a beyond laughable 12 on the Wunderlick test, but what he said in the post game press conference yesterday proved he may actually be more more stupid than Vince Young, Shawn Kemp, and those black people who though they saw a leprechaun, combined.

For those of you who missed it, here’s what McBarf said (from Philly.com’s Rich Hoffman):

“”No, I didn’t know that,” McNabb said at his post game press conference. The 10-year veteran said he was not aware that one overtime is all you get in the NFL in the regular season until the final play of that overtime, when the Eagles tried an unsuccessful Hail Mary pass. He said, “When the play was called, I kind of figured, ‘I guess there’s ties in the NFL.’

“He said, “I’ve never been a part of a tie. I never even knew that was in the rule book. It’s part of the rules and we have to go with it. I was looking forward to the next opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game.”

Then McNabb compounded his error by not knowing the postseason overtime rule. Those games do play to a conclusion for obvious reasons, but McNabb said, “I hate to see what happens in the Super Bowl or I hate to see what happens in the playoffs. You have to settle with a tie.”"

The guy doesn’t even know the rules for the playoffs and Super Bowl. He’s got to be kidding me here. I’m speechless. Also please consider the fact that all of these morons who thought the game would go on until somebody scored could have played the game differently had they known their time was running out. How could you not? I need an explanation.

It’s over everyone. Over. There is no salvaging any of this.

Couple a knee-jerk reaction city with inconsistent performance out of it’s football team and you’re bound to feel a few tremors every couple of Monday mornings. 95% of the fans are level headed enough to see through ridiculous claims made by the other 5% and stay mildly optimistic. Well, I’m here to say this morning that I am 100% officially turning a new leaf and calling for people’s heads. I’ve had enough of this bullshit. Any Eagle fan who doesn’t see this is living a fucking lie. I’m tired of the poor game management, the obvious inability to make half-time adjustments, the disgraceful wastes of challenges and time outs, and a team that is incapable of winning a close game. I’m sorry, but enough is enough.

At this point, anyone who does not see a major problem with the Eagles organization must be fucking crazy. No one is saying they suck, and no one is saying they are the worst team in the NFC. What they are is a team that has become average and stale, and the last time I checked, fans don’t accept average teams. Fans also don’t accept the same mistakes being repeated over and over each week without any explanation from the coach. Translation: When bad shit happens, we want explanations as to why they happened and a game plan to ensure they don’t happen anymore. It’s pretty simple actually, yet the Eagles haven’t seemed to figure this out, and it’s time to move on. Please, for us fans who actually care, remove yourself Andy. You’re not cutting it anymore and the improvement is just not there at this point. You’re getting beat by teams that are better prepared, and that’s when you know it’s over.

The Eagles are 1-10 in their last 11 games decided by seven points or less. Think about that. How can a coach possibly retain his job with a record like that? How can you possibly reward a coach who doesn’t have a fullback going into the season, and then get absolutely exposed for it in almost every game? How can you remain faithful to a guy who can’t win a divisional game anymore? Why is it acceptable to have one of the best running backs in football and still throw the ball 65% of the time? I don’t get any of this. Football is about balance Andy, and the game is passing you by. You are getting beat by a team like the NY Giants who run the ball down your throat all night (having a wide receiver in Plaxico who is far and away better than anything you have by the way) and then beat you with the pass because they have you on your toes trying to stop the run. You’re getting beat by teams that don’t waste challenges, and ultimately precious timeouts, like you do. I’d like to personally challenge the fact that you are our coach. Why does everyone but you realize our best receiver is a rookie who can stretch the field, yet you never send him deep. How’d that work against Dallas when he was 4 steps beyond the defender? How can you get a delay of game penalty inside the ten yard line needing to score in the 4th quarter? You throw the ball all goddam game, and then when you have a 3rd and short for the game, you run twice. I mean Jesus Christ Andy.

Try fucking up at your job and telling your boss that you ‘need to do a better job with things” every day. How would that go over? I mean this is a joke. On the NBC post game show, Tiki Barber, WHO DOESN’T EVEN PLAY FOOTBALL ANYMORE, knew what the Eagles were going to run on 4th down. It’s a disgrace and I’m fucking embarrassed that America watched my team perform like that. It was like getting kicked in the balls by some neo-Nazi with steel-toed Doc Martins.

It did. It really did. WORLD CHAMPIONS OF THE UNITED STATES, NORTH AMERICA, THE WORLD, AND THE UNIVERSE. Words cannot describe what just happened. Years of misery and pain, have turned the city of pain, into a city of joy. People around these parts are going to feel this for a VERY long time. Centuries. I’m going to buy so much Phillies World Champions merchandise that I alone may save the entire US economy and bring it out of the recession.  Hats, T-Shirts, grill covers, toothbrushes, scarves, double dongs, oven mitts….you name it. I will own everything. I will go home and re-watched my DVR’d game every day for the next year. Any time the Flyers lose, the Eagles choke away games in the last two minutes, and the Sixers falter, I’m going to smile and watch the 9th inning again. Over and over and over again. I want to hear the roar of the crowd, feel the goosebumps on my arms, and a wet, salty tear run down my face. I will never forget this for as long as I live. I’ve already instructed my parents to have the 9th inning on replay at my funeral in case I go before them.  

Remember this night Philadlephia. Get your asses down to the parade. Show the rest of this country what a city does to support their team. Stop being scared at games. Start believing again. In closing, always remember this:

“With (pitcher Johan Santana), now, I have no doubt that we’re going to win in our division,” Beltran said. “So this year, to Jimmy Rollins, we are the team to beat.”

Nice prediction Beltran you faggot. Fuck the Mets! WORLD CHAMPION PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES.

now i don’t mean to disparage john oates. far from it. he’s one half of a legendary philly band that wrote a song that inspired the son of sam killer and a lot of babies named sara. but he makes a perfect analogy for last night’s debacle: we needed hall, we got oates.

before the game even started, there was a crazy energy in the stands. towels waving. people screaming. thousands of crazies outside milling out the tents and trying to get into mcfaddens. it was awesome. and even oates’ performance, in which he asked the crowd to assist was pretty awesome.

but as the game progressed and the weather got shittier and shittier, you could begin to see the connection. the fans came in needing hall, but the weather, fox and major league baseball gave us fucking oates. they knew damn well that this game wasn’t going to finish (witness bud saying that “we thought we had another half hour.” that gets you to 10:30 dickweed. these games have been going past midnight, so this was obviously a poorly calaculated gambit. i fully understand the logic of not cancelling a game at 8:30 when it’s barely raining: the fans would have freaked the fuck out. there would have been such fucking bedlem that you would have thought obama had lost the election. and fox would have been forced to run four straight episodes of hole in the wall, so you know it was completely unacceptable to them.

but why the hell would the teams agree to this? this was a complete farce. as soon as jimmy lost the ball in the fourth, or when cole starts bouncing changeups, or when everyone needs to towel off their lumber mid-atbat, something is wrong. unfortunately, these pigfuckers thought they should take the chance, so here we are. the game has now been moved to wednesday…maybe. but it’s certainly better than trying to play tonight and seeing this shit again:

after all this though, the truth of it is (to paraphase Rich Hoffman), the Phillies didn’t get fucked, but the fans sure did. we’ve got three extra outs, a better bullpen, and last outs if it goes to extras. and you better believe that the bank will be rocking wednesday with 45,000 angry philadelphians (sidenote: i’ve never heard the linc louder than i did after the trent cole phantom personal foul call. not the lito int against dallas. not the to chants. nothing. we are an angry, angry bunch and it shows.)

we win this game tomorrow night. i even believe we win this game in the bottom of the sixth and then hold on for the best nine outs of our lives. i’ll be there screaming for all of us.

BELIEVE

You don’t want to offend the baseball gods by predicting an early victory, especially when you are a Philadelphia Sports fan; HOWEVER, tonight is a night made for breaking the rules and doing something just a little different. Like winning a world championship.

I was just sitting in my car at lunch and they replayed Harry’s call of Howard’s first home run last night on the radio. The sound that the crowd made when they first heard the crack of his bat against the ball was LOUD. It was one of those Philadelphia playoff roars that you have only heard maybe once in your life. And it scares me to think what that stadium is going to sound like tonight. What does exhaling 25 years worth of complete despair sound like? No one knows, but I think we’re about to find out.

It’s great to think that Harry Kalas is going to get another shot to call a World Series winner. It’s great to think Charlie Manuel gets his redemption on everyone who wanted Jim Leyland to manage this team. It’s great to think that you have a team that is 23-6 in their last 29 and needs to lose three straight games to blow this thing. It’s great to think that Cole Hamels officially puts himself as a top three pitcher in baseball with a win tonight, and a potential 5th playoff win which would break a single season playoff record for any player in the history of the game. I could go on.

I don’t know how much I want to write about tonight. That can come in the days ahead. This is unchartered territory for us. We have our best pitcher in front of a frenzied crowd, and against a team that is one more foot stomp to the head away from a hate crime death. Until then, there is only one thing left to do.

BELIEVE

Let’s just quietly try to forget the Phils game last night and focus on more positive things around here….like Flyers hockey! Hey maybe they can win a game one of these days. I mean Jesus Christ.  Yes, it’s still early, but half of all the experts on ESPN, CNNSI, Hockey News, you name it, have the Flyers at least reaching the conference finals. This makes their 0-3-3 start especially frightening. Do they even play defense anymore? There are guys on the team who I’ve never heard of before in my life. Arguably in the hardest division in hockey, the Flyers are already 10 points behind the first place Rangers, and have the worst record in the NHL. Great.

Doesn’t get any easier tonight with a trip to New Jersey against the 5-1 Devils.  The last time the Flyers won there, I think Gerald Ford was president. They own us. If the Flyers don’t start getting some wins, changes will come and they will come fast.

I’m not sure what’s more appalling, the fact that the Phils were 0 for 275 with runners in scoring position last night, or the fact that Rays fans use cowbells to create artificial noise. Two points here….the Phillies should have won that game by double digits and Rays fans are generally very ugly and obviously lazy. And here I thought the Thundersticks were gay, but cowbells take the cake. I mean seriously, please stop with those things. Cowbells are for rodeos, not World Series games.

The Phils bullpen is what will ultimately win this series for them. I don’t know where or when Ryan Madson turned into Mariano Rivera, but the guy is pitching on another planet. His level of poonhounding must have skyrocketed in tha bars and clubs too. He deserves it. Lidge, who usually pitches better the second consecutive day, looked solid last night. The Rays haven’t seen a closer quite like him this season.

Even though they’re all big, tonight’s a very interesting game. You’ve got two righties going which probably benefits both teams. You’ve got a Tampa team that has lost two straight game 1s now, and almost certainly feels the pressure of not getting swept at home. The Phillies are not the Red Sox. You’ve got a Phillies team that has to be chomping at the bit to get back out there and hit with men on base tonight. The shit that happened last night is not going to be repeated.  You’ve got Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins who looked awful last night…..jesus, where do we even start with these two. No, I’m not going to bash them uncontrollably, but I sure as fuck will say that both of their approaches at the plate last night were absolutely disgraceful and undisciplined. While I commend Rollins and his approach to making the pitcher throw some pitches, he is watching meat missiles get thrown right down the middle of the plate that he could be launching into the Southern Hemisphere. Jimmy, I know you don’t draw as many walks as you should, but buddy, let’s swing at strikes. Work the count to get the pitches that you want to drive. If you swing at another strike that’s eye level I’m going to cut you. Bad.   And Howard…..I’m still going to give you a free pass after tonight. You are an MVP, play like it. Stop shaking your head after every pitch you dumb piece of shit.

Are they really afraid of Shields? Really? Please. Win tonight, and take it back to the northeast.

Can you feel it? Can’t you just visualize what is going to happen in the next week of our lives? The fucking Phillies are going to win it all. It’s finally going to happen. Six or seven years ago the Phils were the last team in this city you’d think would finally break the curse, but here we stand on the door step of a championship. This time is no joke either. The last four opportunities this city had they were underdogs every single time. The Blue Jays were better than the ’93 Phils, the Red Wings were better than the ’97 Flyers, the Lakers were better than the ’01 Sixers, and the Patriots ‘dynasty’ was better than the ’05 Eagles. This time around (even though Vegas has them as +110 underdogs), the Phils don’t face a better team. Nope. People are enamored with this Rays team, and rightfully so considering they beat two pretty good teams to get to the World Series, but they are young and still playing with house money. Their luck will finally run out.

Vegas odds makers aren’t dumb. They understand how stupid public bettors will throw away their money. The fact that the Rays are close to -140 favorites with little to no line movement tells us everything we need to know. Vegas knows the public thinks that any team that beats the Red Sox should win in all. Vegas knows the public loves to bet on the ‘underdog’, even though they make the Rays the favorites. Think about how smart Vegas is. The know the public is still convinced that the Rays are the underdogs, the young team of destiny, and they make them a decent sized favorite and people still bet them! It’s a joke. Vegas wins when the underdog, odds-wise, wins. And a World Series win by the Phillies gets the money going into their bank vaults.

Why else are the Phillies going to win this thing? It’s simple.

1. Just like in the NLCS, the Phils have the best starting pitcher, the better offense, and the better bullpen. Sounds like a good start doesn’t it?

2. Youth, or lack there of. There always seems to come a point where youth ends up biting you in the ass. This isn’t college sports anymore. Younger players, not to discredit their skills and ability, lack an element of urgency and belonging. The Phillies began this season with one goal in mind: win a championship. While the Rays have an excellent team who has performed at a very high level this year, there is no way they began the season with a World Series in mind. Sorry, didn’t happen. Guys like Jimmy Rollins, Pat Burrell, and Brad Lidge know this is time to get the job done. They have an appreciation for what’s at stake, and the Rays think this is just a time to “go out and have fun”. Take fun and shove it up your asses, Tampa.

3. The Ray’s best pitcher, Scott Kazmir, is not 100%. His fastball doesn’t have its usual velocity. He’s hurt, and it shows. And if your best pitcher isn’t throwing at his highest level, you’re in big trouble.

4. Ryan Howard. The guy has taken a giant shit during these playoffs. Have you ever gone to the Zoo and watched an elephant, a giraffe, or a rhinoceros take a giant, steamy shit that lasts two full minutes and piles a good three feet in the air? Yea, well what Howard has done in these playoffs is double the size of that. He is too good of a player to continue this. He’s going to turn it on when it all matters. His teammates have carried him so far, and now it’s his turn to step it up. He will hit at least three home runs during this series.

5. The fans. For the first time in a very long time, we believe. We finally understand that it’s our time, and we finally understand what it’s like to be the better team and expect to win. Tug McGraw was right, you gotta believe. Just like the last time (and only time) the Phillies won it all, it was the Tugger who sealed the deal. His teammates believed in him and he believed in them. Two quotes about Tug McGraw seem very appropriate right now, because they apply to this team and how they certainly believe in themselves right now.

“The guy was a consummate professional on the mound, but he relaxed in his own way. He had his own way of doing things. There are more than one way to do things and Tug certainly had his own way. He was always ready. I think the one thing that might be the greatest legacy that you can have as a teammate is to be always be ready and Tug was.” – former Phillies teammate Tim McCarver

“Tug and I drove to the ballpark together before that final game (Game 6 of the 1980 World Series) and I made him promise that if he was on the mound for that final out to wait for me. Both of us knew whoever was on or near that mound for the final out would probably be on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Sure enough, it worked. Tug struck out (Willie) Wilson and then turned to look at me at third base. Of course I came running in and jumped on him.” – Mike Schmidt

These guys are fucking READY. Bring it on Tampa you lowlifes. Phils in 5 you pussies.

There is too much to write about this team, this game, and this entire season. It would take up 20 pages. Is it gay that I feel like I could cry reading Jayson Stark’s unbelievable article on ESPN this morning? Probably. Is this team a team of destiny? I don’t know, but it sure feels like it. The 1993 team had a similar feeling, except they were going up against a better Blue Jays team and were playing to keep up with them. This time is different. Four more wins. Just four.

First things first though…..this team is special because different guys are stepping up on offense every single night. This team is special because they have the best starting pitcher remaining in the playoffs. And most importantly, this team is special because they have the best bullpen in baseball. Think about that. The Phillies have the best bullpen in baseball. It’s insane. How did they get to this point?

- Pat Gillick fucked up by giving away Gavin Floyd, signing Adam Eaton to that disgusting contract, and believing in Tom Gordon…..but how about letting Aaron Rowand go, bringing in Greg Dobbs/Matt Stairs/Pedro Feliz/Brad Lidge/Jason Werth? How have those guys worked out?

- How did Brett Myers go from the entire city wishing his wife would commit domestic violence against HIM for a change, getting sent down to fucking ALLENTOWN, and getting called back up and doing a 180 to lead this team into the playoffs. It’s official, we tend to overreact.

- Cole Hamels is officially a top 5 pitcher in baseball. No doubt. Anyone who thinks otherwise should have a “hot karl” performed on them. And wears a ‘merkin‘.

- How fucking gay are the Dodger fans? That stadium was half empty in the 4th inning. Disgraceful. When your biggest fans are Mary Hart and Pat Sajak, you know you’re in trouble.

- How could you not notice those three blond sluts behind home plate all night? And to watch that crotchety old sugar daddy sit next them, pay for their drinks, face-feed them Dodger dogs, and whisper sweet nothings in their ears gave me hope for my old age.

BELIEVE. More to come.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Hey Joe Torre, you’re getting outmanaged by Charlie Manuel. How does that feel? Hey Dodgers fans, I hope you didn’t overload your pea-sized brains with all the pre-playoff bullshit from every online columnist who was handing you the pennant. Hey all you 15 ESPN experts, yea the 12 of you who picked the Cubs to reach the World Series and the other three who picked the Dodgers…good analysis for the fans. Remind me next year to take your predictions and wipe up the puke that will undoubedtly be splattered on my toilet rim after the NL pennant-clinching party barfarama I’ll partake in.

There were about 11 different game-altering moments from last night’s classic that you could point to as “the” moment. Both teams had their highs and both teams had their lows, but in the end, the cream once again rose to the top, and the Fightin’ Phils prevailed like they have all year. 27 outs, play your balls off, and never give up. Utley’s double play on defense, Eyre/Mad Dog Madson getting out of the scary 6th inning with bases loaded and no outs (thanks Ryan Howard), Victorino’s blast that barely made it over the wall, Romero’s double play in the 8th, Lidge working overtime…….and of course, Ruiz getting on base to set up Stairs’ monster homer in the 8th. Stairs hit that fucking ball so far into orbit it reminded me of the movie Superman when a teeange Clark Kent kicked a football about 8 miles.

BELIEVE

P.S. With all due respect to Mr. Rowand, thanks for taking the money and running. I don’t blame you.

The Dodgers were not losing game 3. I don’t care if Steve Carlton was pitching for the Phils, it wasn’t happening. Which is exactly why it was a good thing Jamie Moyer was pitching last night, because if they had lost game 3 with say, Joe Blanton, and then had Moyer pitching game 4, then we’d have something to worry about. Take one of the next two and the Phils are going to be ok.

As for the benches clearing last night…could Russell Martin be any dumber? Yea good job Rusty, smash your hands on water coolers and throw shit all over the place. Maybe you’ll break something you gaywad.

i’ll admit, I was getting a little nervous in the fifth inning when they started talking about how dominant derek lowe had been to the point. he induced 11 ground ball outs out of 15 total outs last night through five. he had his sinker working. but then he didn’t. and utley and burrell hopped on pop and got us the lead. game over.

cole hamels was out of his mind again. madson and lidge were rock solid. it’s the reason why we can win the world series. good long outings. excellent relief pitching. and you’ve got to hope that durbin’s going to get back to normal with all this rest. it’s billingsley vs. myers tonight. for some reason, i remember stats that say power pitchers, like billingsley, are not good for this lineup. from his stats, he likes to drop the curveball when he’s ahead, another weakness of this team. hopefully, they don’t let him get ahead.

BELIEVE

“i’m gonna drop that puck on saturday you betcha. gonna see if i can riley cote to beat up levi for knocking up bristol. also. that marty beeron is sorta mavericky. i wonder if he’d my ambassador to all those frenchie canadians who don’t say eh? like i do. also. do you think they ever put moose in a cheesesteak? that would be delish.”

so the flyers season starts saturday night at home against the dreaded new york rangers and the even more dreaded (by some of us) sarah palin is dropping the puck as part of ed snider’s promotion to find amurica’s best hockey mom. although by the looks of things, he’s already found her and he can’t wait for all the secret service to go away so she come up to see the “69th floor” of the comcast building:

as far as, you know, the actual hockey season, i’m feeling like we’re going to easily make the playoffs and probably face off against pittsburgh again. and without hossa, we win. 

claude giroux for president!

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and I thought I was being abducted by aliens. I’m totally serious. There were beings all around me, hazy creatures talking to me, and I was scared. As I tried to focus my eyes on these things, I slowly realized what I was looking at: Dead Phillies. There, in my bedroom, was Richie Ashburn, John Vukovich, and Tug McGraw. All three of them, in my room, staring at me. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Some of the greatest Phillies in the history of this team (and John Vukovich) were apparently here to see me. I wanted to wake up the girl who had stayed over last night, but from the looks of her she’d been dead for at least two hours and the sweet smell of Richie Ashburn’s pipe was most likely covering up the scent of my most recent, fresh kill.

“I know who all of you are”, I whispered, “but I’m not sure why you are here?”

The Tugger, who did most of the talking last night while Richie and Vuk looked on said, “We’re here because you are the only one who understands. We’re here to tell you that’s it’s going to be ok. And we want you to tell this city that they should not be afraid.”

I felt like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix or something, minus the bad acting and unusually low IQ. “The city is afraid right now. You are correct”, I agreed. “They are afraid of Manny, they are afraid of a team that swept the Cubs with ease, and they are afraid of being losers again.”

Tug smiled at me with a shit-eating grin. “Have you seen that piece of ass my son Tim is banging? Holy fuck man. I remember a few years back, right before I passed on, they were down at the shore at my house for the week. Beers, great food, tons of weed, I mean it was awesome. We were on the beach and Faith was wearing some skimpy bikini that showed off her clam, I mean you have no idea. They don’t make honey-baked ham like that up North my friend. You want to talk about afraid? I was afraid about what Tim would say when I locked her in my closet and pretended she went to the grocery store. Thankfully I never got the chance.”…..”But anyway, I understand why people are afraid. And me, Richie, and John are here to tell you what to do. We want you to communicate our message to the people of Philadelphia.”

I was hesitant. “Guys, I only have a blog. There are tons of them that cover Philly sports. Why wouldn’t you contact the others. Why are you coming to me? Why not go to the 700level.com? It may look like it was created with Microsoft Paint and continually has zero effort put into the writing, but they have a bigger audience?”

“Simple,” Ashburn spoke up, “all of the other Philadelphia blogs are dog shit. I’ve seen them and they are all recycled news websites. Boring. Unoriginal. None of them have any real substance whatsoever. The people who run Philly.com have no idea what a real blog is. None. They fear your message, and they are threatened by it. You understand what this city needs, therefore, we want you to pass along the word.”

“Tell me what to tell them. I’ll do it”, I pronounced. How could I turn these guys down?

“The first thing they need to know”, Tugger began, “is that they hold the key to the series. The fans can unlock the door that leads to the promised land. Tell them to be louder than they’ve ever been. Tell them they need to extinguish all mental and physical anxiety from their bodies. Tell them that the power of belief, even though it’s a bunch of bullshit when it comes to religion, will work in the world of sports if you believe enough. If they don’t believe, then they are lost, and the team will lose.”

This all made sense to me. Not only was I fully awake, but I was mildly aroused at the prospect of victory.

Tug soldiered on. “I want you to tell them that 25 games ago, the Dodgers were 67-70. Sure, they got hot at the end, but that doesn’t change who they really are. They are frauds. Their pitching has been lucky, and their bullpen is soft. The people need to know all of this. The Phillies have the best pitcher in Hamels, the better lineup, the best closer in Lidge, and the most powerful home field advantage in all of baseball. Take Manny out of that lineup and that team is a .500 team full of Latin scum.”

“And tell the fans that Derek Lowe is nothing but a faggot”, Vuk finally chimed in. It ended up being the only thing that he said last night, but it was the most poignant. I will never forget those words and fully plan on repeating them all series long.

I was speechless…inspired. “I feel the same way you guys do. I felt like I was the only one. I’m not scared guys, I’m ready. This feels like 1993 all over again, and yes people are afraid of being let down. We need to find hope again. People may not listen to me, but they will absolutely listen to you.”

“One final thing,” The Tugger began to whisper, “this city is going to experience world championships very soon. Multiple championships. It’s written into the fabric of the universe, into the binary code of existence. For cities with teams in all four major sports, balance is always restored. Always. It’s actual mathematics that dictate when, where, and how. There are many factors and variables that drive the equation, but the one piece that has been missing from the equation is ironically the one only these fans can control. Belief. Belief, karma, Zen, whatever you want to call it. It isn’t the most important reason teams win, but it’s bigger than you may think.”

“Why do you think all of those pathetic fans in St. Louis have won titles recently?” Ashburn scowled. “All they do is support their teams, rarely boo, and what happens? A Rams title in 1999 led by a grocery-bagging Jesus freak. A Jeff Weaver led Cardinals teams that didn’t even belong in the playoffs win the World Series in 2006. It’s mind numbing. Look at Tampa, Indy, Arizona, Carolina, the FUCKING FLORIDA MARLINS TWICE! Happy-go-lucky shithead fans who just go to the ballpark, have a good time, and win more than us. It gives me diarrhea.”

I finally understood what they meant. This time of the year in baseball should be about being positive, never getting down no matter what inning, and visualizing victory. I was ready…..I focused on Tug McGraw. I saw the picture of him leaping into the air after the Phillies won their only World Series in 1980. I was too young to remember, but at that moment I felt like I was there. I remembered him dying recently of brain cancer. I remember being sad when I heard the news. He was front and center for the biggest moment in team history. The Tugger. Ashburn and Vuk were gone. It was just me and Tug. I took one final glance over at him last night, and he began to fade away into the darkness. He looked to the floor and shook his head, almost sadly. He looked empty.

“They have to believe. I’m afraid of what may happen to this city if this all continues. It’s pure evil. Something must change, and it must start with them, the fans. Ask them to remember me and what I said to you. Tell them to think of the Tugger.”

And in the flash of an eye, he disappeared.

Ray Didinger had a lot of great points on WIP’s morning show today. As usual I agreed with every single one of them.

1. Can someone tell McSmiles to keep his mouth shut with his ridiculous post game comments? Stop saying we were the better team, we should have won, blah blah blah. First off Donny, you aren’t better, so let’s just clarify that now. Secondly, until you do things that the opponent who just beat you does (win at Dallas, make the playoffs last year, win 4 games in a row, which the Eagles haven’t done since the Super Bowl year), shut the fuck up.

2. The Eagles’ first 15-20 offensive plays are scripted each week and usually pretty effective. The problem is that after those plays are gone, Big Red shits the bed. 24 of the Eagles next 33 plays were passes. This problem is compounded when your receivers are dropping balls and ruining your quarterback’s rhythm and confidence. The Redskins players even admitted after the game that they knew they had to withstand the scripted plays and get to the Eagles afterwards. And of course, the Eagles scored three points after that. Mix in the run, Andy. Balance your offense out and keep the defense honest.

3. When Desean Jackson is your best receiver and the only guy who can stretch the field deep, go to him. The Eagles completely abandoned him in the second half as Greg Lewis, Brent Celek, and god knows who else dropped ball after ball. It’s inexcusable to not call his number when he’s been effective all year.

4. Whoever is telling Andy Reid he should have challenged that Antwan Randle-El forward pass call should be fired. I need answers. Why was that play challenged? After one look at the replay on TV it wasn’t even close. It’s a wasted timeout and a disgraceful display of game management.

5. Part of playing football, staying in games, and ultimately winning close games in the playoffs is making field goals. The fact of the matter here is that David Akers has missed nine straight field goals over 45 yards. I don’t believe there is a concrete answer as to when you pull the plug on this guy, but at the rate he is going it cannot be too far from here. There is a very good chance that if he makes at least one of those kicks in the Bears game the Eagles win, and if he makes the 50 yarder from yesterday that would have put the Eagles up 17-0 and the game could have very easily gone a different way. His performance has been garbage.

6. The division caught up to Andy Reid a while ago. He’s not coaching against Dave Campo, Norv Turner, Steve Spurrier, and god know who else anymore. Defensive lapses, dog shit third down defense, and the worst play clock management in the league was going to catch up to him against real teams eventually.

Other embarrassments include: non-existent fullbacks, Westbrook’s broken ribs, Greg Lewis in general, Chris Gocong’s ability to cover receivers, goal-line play calling

ladies and gentlemen of the supposed jury, our teams face off together against two teams that are so utterly classless that they make us look good.

let us start with the milwaukee brewers who are facing our philadelphia phillies today in a must-win game for both teams. so thank god joe blanton is starting.

exhibit a, seen above, shows the world famous milwaukee sausage race. do you see the bratwurst in his lederhosen? do you see the italian sausage getting beaten by randall simon? do you see the polish sausage dressed up like some stuck in the early 90′s pole with his rugby shirt and backwards hat?

exhibit b speaks for itself. what do you think that is? that’s right, it’s a chorizo. how did i know? perhaps the sombero and the bandanna around its neck? these people are out of their minds and must be stopped.

exhibit c is bernie brewer who looks to be half drunk, half stupid and 100% german. they’re so stupid that they don’t even realize they’re making fun of themselves:

so let us move on to the next defendant: the washington redskins. the eagles and redskins square off to see just how bad the eagles are this year and if the redskins are for real. i am a little shaky on both points, but i’ve got hope that neither one is true.

exhibit d really needs to explanation. it pretty much says it all:

what? no hatchet? no bottle of whisky? why not take it all the way? or we can look at exhibit e who is apparently the redskins unofficial mascot who got up on stage at the pro football hall of fame last year in this getup:

no outrage over this like there is over this I guess:

or this:

in closing, both of these teams are shit. their fans are shit. and its time to finish off the brewers and pound jason campbell into the ground. thank you.

I actually felt bad for CC Sabathia last night. No lie. Here is a guy pitching his balls off for a team he knows he won’t be playing for next year, going out for the third straight game on three days rest, and essentially risking his body to carry his team. I gotta give it up to the guy…..but CC, come on brother. How can you walk Brett Myers in that at-bat? You blow two fastballs by the worst hitting pitcher in all of baseball, and then you start giving him changeups, curves, and garbage. You couldn’t finish the job dude. And that at-bat cost you the entire game.

This game embodied exactly why Philadelphia fans are the best around. People are cheering Myers’ at bat because they knew Sabathia’s pitch count was rising. Bottom line. The fans made that inning happen. And Myers? Wasn’t looking too good after that first inning. Someone needs to tell this guy that when he beats his wife the night before a start, he needs to do the job properly or else he has too much leftover energy the next day. If I’m the Phillies front office, I pay for karate lessons for Myers’ wife in the off season so she can fight back and give him a good workout. Make him sweat a little.

The series is over. The Brewers are throwing Conestoga High School’s very own Dave Bush out for game 3 against Souderton High School’s very own Jamie Moyer. Please re-read that. Dave Bush. The guy might as well wear a skirt with no underwear on for the game. As soon as Ryan Howard steps up to the plate in the first inning, Bush should drop his glove, walk up to home plate, lift his skirt, and let Howard sodomize him, unprotected. Game over, good night, grab the coat hanger Dave.

You know watching baseball on TBS is bad when you start wishing you had Chris Wheeler calling the game. It’s brutal, and if the Flyin Hawaiian doesn’t bomb that grand slam then honestly I may have killed myself. The Phils need to get out of this series so we can watch the games on Fox and listen to…..oh no, Joe Buck?

Bring on the Dodgers. And then the Red Sox.

I can’t even muster up enough venom to hate Milwaukee. I honestly feel bad for anyone who lives in….Wisconsin? Is that where Milwaukee is located, Wisconsin? Shit, it might be in like Missouri or one of the Dakotas. Seriously where is Milwaukee? Please tell me it’s not in Canada….

Sabathia in game 2 and a possible game 5 huh? Yikes. Sounds like a must win today. Hopefully he’s been having oral sex with a couple of cheese steaks the last few days in the city. Every so called expert is calling for a Phillies win and I don’t like that, even though I agree here. I mean look, they didn’t show up last year. They remember what that felt like. This Phillies team reminds me a lot of the Sixers in the late 90s, the Flyers of the mid 90s, and the Eagles in 2001. Teams that were young, got themselves into the playoffs, had some early exits, but figured it out in the next year or two and advanced. The Sixers and Flyers are going through the same thing right now. The reason the Phillies knew they had to win 75% of their games at the end of this season is the exact same reason they know that just getting in this year is not nearly enough. The ‘let’s get in the playoffs and see how the chips fall’ mindset has been replaced by ‘let get to the World Series’. They know it. Everything else is failure.

Will the bats go cold like last year? Will Cole get some run support? Do the Brewers have anything resembling a bullpen? Can Myers get his dick out of his ass? They better win today, because facing Sabathia down 0-1 doesn’t look like a position I’d want to be in. It’s really scary when the last time the Phillies won a playoff game was when Curt Schilling shut down the Blue Jays 2-0 in Game 5 of the 1993 World Series. Please God, just get us a win today.

No one said gambling couldn’t have some zest to it. It’s gonna be a good year for football picks around here. College, NFL, shit even high school if I can get some lines.  There are a lot of great games to play this weekend. I can’t wait to lock them all in my sportsbetting.com account, grab some beers, hate people, and win money. Nothing says LOCKS like hot pink.

Louisville (-4) over Uconn – I’ll take the home team, at night, on national TV, against a team they are just as good as.

Syracuse (+15.5) over Pitt - Simply because Pitt is not 15.5 points better than anyone. Even Syracuse.

Clemson (-11.5) over Maryland – Clemson hasn’t played a complete game yet. At some point this season they will have a monster win. My guess is that it happens in this spot. This lines looks a little inflated after Maryland beat Cal…..did anyone realize that Cal was playing at 9am their time that day?

Purdue (-1) over Notre Dame – When this line opened, Notre Dame was a two point favorite. Now they are a one point home underdog.  Joe Tiller’s last season, Notre Dame with an inflated line (which the public apparently devoured), and you have yourself a nice win.

Navy (+16) over Wake Forest – This game just has that feel to it. Wake with the look-ahead to Clemson next week causes them to play down to Navy’s level. Ball control here. Take the points.

Illinois (+16) over Penn State – Am I the only asshole in America who thinks Illinois gives Penn State a good game? I know it’s a night game, a “white-out”, and all that, but Illinois is not a bad team. Penn State has played four nobodys, and especially no team with a Juice Williams on it. I don’t know, call me crazy here but this line seems high to me……we don’t know enough about Penn State just yet.

Bills (-8) over Rams – Because if you don’t bet against the Rams every week you’re theoretically losing money.

Redskins (+11.5) over Cowboys – Way too many points in a rivalry game. The Cowboys are a good team, but they aren’t going to win by double digits every week. This is the NFL.  Redskins play well in Dallas.

Does it get any worse? Jesus Christ.

I can’t write enough about the Mets. They are an absolute train wreck. You couldn’t script these games any better. Where do you even start? Two nights ago, a man on third with no outs, bottom of the 9th in a tie game, and you can’t score? How about man on third with no outs in the 7th AND 8th innings as well, and all you can muster is a bases loaded walk. Pathetic!  Just a guess here, but something tells me the usual team gangbang in the Mets shower wasn’t quite as lively after that one. There’s no way Jose Reyes did his usual post-coital La Bamba pee-pee dance with his other Latin teammates. He was too upset. Seriously. And who cares if they won last night. The best part was that when they pulled Pedro with two men on, the first pitch the reliever threw was a three run homer. Magical.

The Phils have dodged some massive bullets recently. They’ve looked pathetic in the process too. But not as bad as the Mets. And if I’m a Mets fan, I don’t like the following quote from Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez about their season ending series in New York this weekend, “I fully intend to play my starters this weekend for the integrity of the game”. Also from the Miami Herald, “Last season, the Marlins knocked the Mets out of the playoff picture on the final weekend of the regular season, and there already is talk among players that they would love nothing more than to spoil the Mets’ season again. There even is an outside chance that pitcher Josh Johnson, who started and won Wednesday for the Marlins, could be used in late-inning relief Sunday if that game carries playoff significance.” Ouch.

But like everything we do here on City of Pain, we must call it like we see it. We want the Mets to make the playoffs, without question. Not just for the possible, yet unlikely, scenario in which we could meet them in the NLCS, but simply because the Phillies want zero part of CC Sabathia TWICE in a best of five game series. Go Mets?

I had my doubts about Desean Jackson. Honestly. But they are gone and I’d be shocked if he wasn’t the Eagles’ leading receiver and the NFL Rookie of the Year at the end of the year. He already has more catches and yards than anyone on the team and is 8th in the NFL in receiving yards. This is not a knee-jerk reaction. He’s the type of player who is not only going to be really good someday, but maybe become a bona-fide superstar. You usually know early on when a player is going to be a star, and I can’t help myself but think his performance so far says anything but that. He’s faster than anyone else. He has great hands. He has a second step that is faster than most players’ first step. He’s cocky.

Most rookie wide receivers don’t see the playing field for the Eagles until at least year 2. Sure, if Reggie Brown and Kevin Curtis were available there is a good chance we’d see a little less of Desean right now, but we’d also see less of Greg Lewis and maybe Hank Baskett. His electricity returning punts would guarantee him more playing time and you probably wouldn’t be able to keep him on the sidelines for long anyway.

Just for the very premature hell of it, the NFL’s rookie receiving records are:

Most Yards Receiving in Rookie Season – 1,473, Bill Groman 1960
Most Touchdowns in Rookie Season - 17, Randy Moss 1998
Most Yards Gained, Total, in Rookie Season - 2,317, Tim Brown 1988

How many yards is this guy going to finish with?

1. Is it time for a small amount of panic considering the Cubs are basically lifting their skirts, grabbing their ankles, and letting the Mets invade their bird’s nest by resting their starters?

Answer: Not at all. That panic would begin if the Phils lose tonight. And considering how bad tonight’s Braves starter, Jo-Jo Reyes, is (3-11, 5.74 ERA) I don’t see the Phillies losing tonight. There is zero chance. How bad is Jo-Jo? Think Adam Eaton, except with a sombrero on his head and pushing a lawnmower. The Braves have lost TWELVE straight games that he has started. In only one of those games has he gone a full seven innings, and in four of those games he never reached the FOURTH inning. Saying this guy is fucking terrible is an understatement. He was so bad that the Braves threw him into minors before being forced to call him back up in August. Bet your entire life savings on the Phillies tonight. Seriously.

2. Was Uncle Charlie taking a monster dump during the 7th inning last night?

Answer: I hope so, because the fact that he took the bunt off when Victorino got to 2-0 and Burrell was on second with no outs may have been the worst managing decision in the history of modern baseball. This is not even armchair quarterbacking. Look, I know Burrell would lose a foot race against a hog-tied, blindfolded (wait…?) Helen Keller, but you’re down a fucking run and you need to get him to third. And even worse? Burrell runs on contact to a ball hit to the SHORTSTOP, and gets caught in a run down. This is baseball 101, Pat, and I know you went to the University of Miami, but you cannot run on a ball hit there. Why did you do that?

3. What is going to happen from now until Sunday?

Answer: The Phillies are going to win tonight and maintain a 1.5 game lead over the Mets, who will also win tonight. The Mets will shrink that lead to one game tomorrow when they beat the lifeless Cubs again (although I reserve the right to take all of this back if the Mets bullpen comes into any of these games before the 7th inning). Then a weekend series against the Nats for the Phillies (who will miss Tim Redding thank god) in which the Fightins take two, while the Mets lose two of three to the Marlins. It’s just that easy. Phils win the division by two games.

So what happens to the Mets? This gets interesting. The Mets have five games left, and will undoubtedly need to go at least 3-2 to have a shot at making the playoffs. The Brewers, who are one game back of the Mets, also have five games left, except Milwaukee plays the Pirates two more times and then take on the Cubs (who aren’t trying). The scary thing if I’m a Mets fan is:

a) The Brewers are 12-1 vs. the Pirates this year, have Sabathia going tonight, and face a 5-14 pitcher tomorrow. Two wins right there.

b) The Marlins are already talking shit about beating the Mets this weekend and ruining their season like they did last year, while the Brewers play a Cubs team that won’t kill themselves trying to get wins this weekend (especially on the road).

Another big problem for the Mets is the fact that Johan Santana is scheduled to pitch the final game on Sunday. If that game becomes a must win for the Mets, they aren’t getting him for a potential game 1 of a playoff series. God it’s scary to be a Mets fan right now, but the funny thing is that I hope they make the playoffs so the Phils won’t have to face CC Sabathia twice in a best-of-five game series.

I love watching New York rot. Enjoy your final weekend ever in Shea Stadium all you douche tit fans.

It’s going to be crazy down in Miami this weekend, with the usual jam-packed stadium rocking for the Marlins going crazy. It’s a scalpers paradise. Tickets are said to be going for $500 a pair. This is what baseball is all about. If the Phils want to get in the playoffs, all they have to do is win 2 of 3 from the Marlins. That would give them six games left against the Braves and the Nationals who they will undoubtedly annihilate. Isn’t it amazing when these guys realize they’re playing must-win games, and the go out and play with urgency? Gee, where was that half of the season? Let’s just be honest here. The Brewers are totally fucked. Yesterday’s four run ninth inning by the Cubs pretty much sealed the deal for them. God, how foolish were we to actually think the Milwaukee Brewers would make the playoffs. We should all be ashamed of ourselves. To make matters worse, Ben Sheets is hurt, Sabathia lost his last start, and Prince Fielder is still a fat bitch. So if the Brewers are done (which they are unless the Mets collapse….which I guess is possible), then it’s just a matter of whether the Fightins be the Wild Card or the NL East Champion. Now, most Phils fans realize that there is a pretty big difference between the two. Since you cannot play your own division in the first round of the playoffs, that guarantees that either the Phils or the Mets will go to Chicago for the first round for which ever team is the Wild Card. If the Phils win the division, then they host the Dodgers. If the Brewers come back and win the Wild Card over the Mets, then the Phils would host the Brewers in the first round while the Cubs would host the Dodgers. So for the Phils it’s pretty simple: win the division, avoid the Cubs for one round.

And while the Phils spend the weekend in Florida, the Mets host Braves at Shea Toilet Aids Biohazard Graveyard Guido Palace. The Phils simply need to stay afloat this weekend, and maintaining their lead over the Mets would be considered a huge step towards another NL East title. Granted, the Marlins have won 8 straight games, but the Phils have won 7 straight and are playing for more at this point.

The reason for keeping afloat this weekend is simple. The Mets have a four game series with the NL leading Cubs starting Monday. With a possible first round match-up against each other, the Cubs won’t lay down. No shot. The Cubs don’t want to be the team that allows the Mets into the playoffs. No team wants to do that. And while Lou Pinella may put his starters on pitch counts, he also realizes that they need the work and will have more than a week to rest before the playoffs. The projected pitching match-ups would be:

Jason Marquis v John Niese

Rich Hardin v Johan Santana

Carlos Zambrano v Oliver Perez

Ryan Dempster v To Be Announced

So on paper, the Phils are in a perfect spot if they take 2 of 3 this weekend. The Mets bullpen is still an absolute disaster and there is no doubt in the universe that it will bury them in the end, especially against good teams. Just watch.

And can anyone explain to me why the Phils never play the Mets in the final two weeks of the season ever? 

2. Should Jamie Moyer receive any 3rd or 4th place Cy Young votes? No seriously. If Brandon Webb or Tim Lincecum, at 19-7 and 16-3 respectively, are the front runners, how impressive does a 45 year old man at 14-7 who has been the ace of the staff look in comparison? Think about that for a second.

3. If before the season I told you the following would be true on September 12th, where do you think you would have predicted the Phillies to finish?

-Jamie Moyer is 14-7 with a 3.68 ERA
-Since the All-Star break Brett Myers is 6-2 with an ERA under 2.00
-Ryan Howard has 43 HRs and 129 RBIs
-The Phillies have the 3rd best bullpen ERA in all of baseball
-Brad Lidge is 36 for 36 in save opportunities
-Cole Hamels leads the NL in innings pitched
-The Phillies have an above .500 record at home and on the road
-Billy Wagner blew 7 saves and was done for the season in mid August
-The Braves were a sub .500 team

Now just on those facts alone, you’d think the Phils would be in first place. The bullpen was a major concern, no one knew what Lidge would do, no one knew if Moyer had anything left in the tank, and no one knew if Hamels could handle a full season of injury free baseball. What the fuck happened?

4. Does anyone else feel like we’re totally going to sweep the Brewers after getting by Sheets last night? I do.

5. How much of a fat pig bitch is Prince Fielder and how is he that size being a vegetarian? I need to know this.

so the phillies traded a minor leaguer (hopefully no one that good) for matt stairs. could this pudgy slugger be this team’s pete incavigila? or will he just be a healthy version of geoff jenkins?

either way, i love it that pat gillick is making all the right moves to solidify our world series chances. or not.

Pedro Martinez was 47-0 in his career when up by 7+ runs. Oops. Yea, so much for that record. The way in which the Phils came back and won that game last night really can’t be put into words. Words would not do it justice. In fact, it’s even better to hear the words of the loser Mets fans from their own pathetic mouths. Check out this link.

Watch the Mets fans start to panic around page 21. Skip ahead to page 34 and laugh as you feel the terror consuming them. Page 42 is pure ecstasy as the Fightins tie it up and Mets fans across the country start flushing their brainless heads down their toilets. Finally, mass suicides begin on page  61 when the Mets bullpen takes the final bullet. I could read this shit all day.

Let me just say a few things here. First off, it’s just one game. The Phils have to go against Santana tonight and could very easily lose it. But you have to wonder what this game will mean at the end of the season. This is going to be ‘that’ game we’ll look back on and say turned the season around. You just know it. And when you think about it, the Mets bullpen is so bad that they can’t possibly make the playoffs with that slop they throw out there night after night.

Also, I love seeing this Roid head Fernando Tatis do his La Bamba dance before he hits home plate after a home run. Can somebody test this guy? There is no way he comes up clean. Watching him and Reyes do their gay salsa mating ritual in the dugout makes me want to shoot myself. If the Phils don’t put a ball in Tatis’ neck tonight, Uncle Charlie should be fired before he has a chance to reach the post-game press conference. The Mets are so gay, I love laughing at them when they lose. The only player I don’t passionately hate is David Wright, but at the same time I can’t make myself accept a guy that takes it up the ass.

Third, can someone please tell me why Harold Reynolds still has a job? Did anyone read what that clown said on the New York Sports Channel after the game? In reference to Brett Myers basically standing at the plate hoping for a walk with the bases loaded, he called the move “bush league” for not swinging. Umm what? What do you want him to do buddy, swing at a pitch and get a force out at home and possibly more? Get this guy out of my life. Funny stuff coming from a guy who was fired from ESPN for sexual harassment.

Please go out and shell Santana tonight. It would be unbelievable.

listen jimmy. i love you man. really i do. you’ve got a little too much willie mays-hayes in you (especially after hitting 30 homers) but you’ll still the catalyst for this phillies team.

that being said, what the fuck is wrong with you? you’re 4 for 46 after sunday night’s game. oh, and that number conveniently starts right after you called us all front runners for booing shitty performances, even if they were the day, month or year before. are you trying to prove that being booed makes a baseball player press? or is it that you’re pressing anyway, like you have been all season, and that this has been a particularly brutal stretch?

i hope all of your endorsements dry up. i hope no one calls when you come to la. i hope you cut down on your “business” staff and focus less on your record label and more on hitting a baseball where no one is standing (fans included slugger). we need you. the team needs you. the city needs you. hell, you need you. because we have two people on this team better suited to the top of the lineup (victorino and wearth) because they can actually GET ON BASE.

grow up jimmy.

It’s only fitting that we lose our “number one” receiver for at least 6-8 weeks before the season even starts. Awesome. I expect nothing less to be perfectly honest. Happy start to the season Eagles fans. The saddest thing is that we consider Kevin Curtis to be our #1.

Eagles, it’s time to pull the trigger and go out and get the weapon that McNabb wants and so desparately needs. Someone who is out in Arizona, begging (ok, bitching) to be traded, and someone who is an absolute bull cock monster. You can’t predict how long Curtis will be sidelined so do what you have to do to remain a force in the NFC.

GET ANQUAN BOLDIN YOU MORONS AND GET HIM NOW

I don’t care if it costs us Lito and a first or a second. Just fucking do it. Lito can’t stay on the field for a full season anyway. Look, if you go into the season thinking Brown, Avant, and Baskett are the answer, then you might as well just drop a nuclear bomb on the city of Philadelphia. Don’t do this to us. It’s time to take the chance like you did in 2004 when you got Kearse & T.O., and go for it. Go for it now. Boldin is worth it, without question.

The Phils need to make their run now. No excuses. You’ve let the pathetic Mets catch (and surpass) you. You just took a big shit in California and lost 4.5 games in one week. You are hitting .236 as a team since June 13th.

After this pathetic Nationals teams comes to town this week (and you better sweep them) you have 20 of 23 games against winning teams. Good luck with that guys. You might want to hit over .236 if you think you’re going to win the East. The chance of this team winning the NL right now is slim to none. Good thing for management that the team attendance record is going to be broken this season. Must be the Crab Fries luring everyone to the park because it sure as hell isn’t the team.

Only in Philadelphia do we have an MVP one year and the next year the guy is bashing the fans. For those of you who missed it, Jimmy Rollins had this to say on The Best Damm Sports Show last night:

“There are times,” he said. “I might catch some flak for saying this, but, you know, they’re front-runners. When you’re doing good, they’re on your side. When you’re doing bad, they’re completely against you.” He went on. “For example, Ryan Howard is from St. Louis and St. Louis, it seems like they support their team, they’re out there and encouraging. In Philly, can’t be no punk.”

Ok first of all Jimmy, let me clue you in on a few minor details about us fans. We aren’t front runners. You see, in order to be front runners, that would require our teams to be winning. Unless I got roofied in 2nd grade and just woke up yesterday, I don’t recall this team winning, let alone being in first, too many times in my lifetime. Secondly, you just won an MVP (and yes it probably should have gone to Matt Holliday, there I said it) and the next year you’re being benched twice for breaking the manager’s two cardinal rules. Great example you’re setting for your team. Who is always the last one to arrive at the ballpark every night? You. Who, just two weeks ago, said the games matter most at the end of the year? You. Cool, then by all means take some games off here and there to get yourself ready to play in late September. Third, you play in Philadelphia. We don’t give a shit what you think of us as fans. Really we don’t. We have eaten players such as Charles Barkley, Donovan McNabb, Eric Lindros, Allen Iverson, and Mike Schmidt alive and shit them back out, blood and all. We don’t care who you are, or what you’ve won on a personal level. We care about the one thing that we can’t seem to acquire, and that is a championship. And we feel even more helpless because we have no control over it. You are the guy strapping on the jersey, allegedly leading the team out onto the field, and the one who can help us realize our dream of someday not being a big city of pathetic losers. All we have is the cheer, and when warranted, the boo. So really, excuse us for booing you when you don’t run out a fly ball or strike out for the third time. They teach that shit in Little League you dumb fucker. This isn’t St. Louis. We don’t abstain from booing because we’re too tired from having sex with our niece the night before.

Jimmy, you’re just so dumb that it baffles me. I thought you were better than this. You have officially joined a long line of Philadelphia athletes who just don’t fucking get it. If you go out there and win something, you will be forever immortalized in the city. That means more endorsements, more money, more pussy, and louder cheers until the day you retire. You may go down as the greatest Philly shortstop ever, but you’re killing yourself right now. Be an MVP and shut the fuck up right now. Win some games. That’s a good starting point.

The Phillies are a nice story. Gritty, hot bats (sometimes), good bullpen, gay uniforms, division winner? The Phils are good enough to win the division, there is no doubt there, but is that good enough? Is it really that impressive to beat the Mets and Marlins? Absolutely not. Top to bottom, those teams do not have the talent of your fightin Phils.

But is it enough to head into a possible post-season appearance against the Brewers or Cubs and believe we aren’t at a huge disadvantage against those teams when comparing starting pitching? The answer is no. We need(ed) more. As great as Hamels may be, Steve Carlton he is not. And after Hamels who do we have? Old Man Moyer? Kyle the Kid? Joe Blimpton? Brett “get over here you bitch” Myers? Am I the only one who is scared?

If the Phils are going to make any sort of noise in the post-season, one or more of the following must happen:

1. The MLB temporarily re-allow the usage of amphetamines in the locker room, thus waking up Carlos Ruiz from his 6 month siesta, jump-starting Geoff Jenkins’ career that ended two years ago, and adding even more white trash hate octane into Brett Myers’ bloodstream. More on that below.

2. CC Sabathia must contract bird flu, Rich Harden becomes the victim of a homosexual gang-rape in Chicago’s meat packing district (no pun), Ben Sheets performs said gang-rape, and Carlos Zambrano strains the tricep on his throwing arm during a drunken piñata party with his wife and 16 children.

3. Ryan Madson becoming deceased.

4. Management makes sure to hand out masks that the Phillies will wear on defense every inning that Brett Myers pitches. The mask will be of Brett Myers’ beautiful wife Kim. The Jumbotron, the ushers, and even the Phanatic will wear the mask during games Myers pitches in. This will create the sensation of Myers being surrounded by a controlling, hateful force of nature. It will consume him. And it will focus him and make him pitch like a champion. Whether the Phillies choose to add real life bruises, scrapes, and tufts of hair to the mask are still being discussed.

as we have all witnessed this year, carlos ruiz is not exactly a great hitter. he’s hitting 60 points lower than chris coste, has 6 less rbi’s in 30 less at bats, and is generally a double play waiting to happen. he’s probably one of many reasons that jimmy rollins has fewer rbi’s than pedro feliz. but what has it really meant to the phils?

one half decent stat might be winning percentage of games with ruiz vs. games with costs. it ain’t perfect by any stretch. numbers are from before last night’s crime against baseball quality so it actually got worse for “chooch” after that horseshit. here you go:

phils win % is 60%
coste’s win % is 63.1%
ruiz’s win % is 54.7%

following my flawed logic, we’d have 70 wins or so instead of 61 if coste started every game (or if carlos sucked less).

so you might say, should we put lou marson in once he gets back from beijing? i’m torn because it takes time to learn the staff and there’s not a lot of time left. however, he’s my first september call up. he’s got a veteran staff to work with (except brett myers who i would assume has no idea what he;s doing up there) so it could be easy. but a rookie catcher in the playoffs with 40 games of part-time experience? no thanks.

And take it from Father Moyer, ‘little holes’ are the best things in the world. Amen.

dear brett,

go away. no really. just go back to mississippi. retire. do commercials. haunt us every football game selling aftershave or bbq sauce or coors light or vicodin. because after all this bullshit, i’ve had enough of you.

as an eagles fan, this is probably a good thing because it hurts the packers no matter who the quarterback ends up being this year. you’re old and fading. aaron rodgers is young and awful. if the reid kids’ anger and heroin hadn’t distracted him from finding a punt returner last year, the eagles would have won that game, it would have changed the makeup of your entire season, and you wouldn’t have had the honor of throwing a game ending interception as the last play of your career. even then, you didn’t have to retire. just make up your mind and stick with it.

and this is also a big giant fuck you to the media. from espn to profootballtalk to cheeseheadhomos.blogspot.com, this has been the ultimate non-event. oh, he got on a plane. oh oh, he got a plane. fucking hell. there’s a war, an election, a pennant race, and $4 gas. there are actual stories in actual training camps but who cares? a washed up quarterback can’t stand being at home with his wife and kids.  but you know what? even i’m writing about it now. some members of the media have had enough of brett’s antics like don banks on si.com. and i thank them for that. only you can prevent these egomaniacs from thinking they’re special. 

so enjoy tampa or your retirement or sitting on the bench, you ass. you’ve earned every ounce of hatred from packers fan and the general sports following public. and i hope the people who can pay you money in the next phase of your life realize this. we don’t want any more brett farve.

fuck off, 

dj robbie

I always get a little pep in my step on days when I see Old Man Moyer taking the hill against the Florida Marlins. Not only does he own them, but he’s officially in their heads now. The Marlins see him on the mound and their heart and pride just get flushed down the toilet. Just imagine, the Fish are little Billy sitting on the bus, happy to be with his fellow Boy Scout troops going away for a weekend at a nearby camp site. The bus starts up, the troops are ready to roll, happiness finally seems imminent, when suddenly the bus door opens at the last moment and….Father Moyer steps on the bus, shit-eating grin and all, ready for a weekend of ‘Hide the Rosary’. He’s got sweaty palms, dirty fingernails, and reeks of whiskey and Underoos. It’s all over from there on. Old Man Moyer has a bag of tricks. He’ll dink and dunk you to death with 81 mph fastballs, picking his spots perfectly, and rendering the Marlins big bats almost useless. Sort of like the way Father Moyer must open his bag of tricks come nightfall. Ecstasy-spiked holy water, communion wafers made out of crack and laxative, rubber studded crucifixes, and altar boy outfits with strategically placed holes cut into them, just to name a few. How can you compete?

so profootballtalk.com talks steve smith could be traded. and our very own philadelphia eagles are mentioned as a possibility. it’s an intriguing thought. smith’s contract is through 2012 and it’s relatively cheap for the next couple of years. the panthers have two decent cornerbacks in chris gamble and the bruised and battered ken lucas, so lito could be an option in the trade. i suppose we could always trade them back their first rounder for next year.

and we have the added bonus that steve smith would likely strangle howard eskin with his chinchilla scarf the moment he says anything to him about anything.

Just a guess here, but maybe the reason this guy isn’t in training camp is because he has spent the entire off season gorging himself on fried foods, soda, pizza, or humans. Only in Philly do we draft a guy who immediately turns out to be a Pro Bowler and then three years later the guy falls into a deep depression and doesn’t want to play football anymore.  Nothing says ‘star athlete’ like a food orgy and missed training camp. Come on, depression?  Hey Shawn, you want to know what depression is?  Depression is your fat ass missing training camp, eventually coming back and being out of shape to start the season, and then you fucking up our chances to be decent this year because you couldn’t keep your fat fingers out of that bag of Doritos. This is bullshit. If I have to see Max Jean-Giles or Winston Justice starting the season because of you, people will start dying. One by one, people will die. 

Not to intentionally keep the sexual orientation theme going today but…..My guess as to what is going on here? This whale found out he was gay. No seriously. And by ‘found out’ I mean he saw pictures of penises and liked them. A lot. And really, statistically speaking there are probably a handful of guys on each roster who play for the pink team. He goes into a depression about these feelings, goes ballistic with the food, gets fat, realizes he will have a heart attack on the first day of training camp if he works out in the blazing sun, and decides he doesn’t want to play football anymore. It’s a shame he wasn’t drafted by the Giants because then he’d be able to feel comfortable around other gay teammates.

i’d like to apologize to ryan howard for doubting him. after the last couple nights, he’s back over .200 and he’s smacking the ball like brett myers hits…the all you can eat chinese buffet line. yes, he’s struck out in 43 out of 49 games, but i think we’d all be fine with last night’s line of 3 for 5 with 2 rbi’s and 3 runs against the astros.

and in case you missed it during american idol, he’s the furthest hit ball in nationals park to this point:

Yesterday’s wagers: -0.19 units

A’s MONEYLINE (won 1.70 units)
Mets MONEYLINE (lost 1.97 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (won 1.2 units)
Indians MONEYLINE (lost 1.12 units)

YTD: -1.85 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

Indians MONEYLINE (2.32 units)
Mets MONEYLINE (1.97 units)
Pirates MONEYLINE (1.43 units)
Diamondbacks/Marlins over 8.5 (1.2 units)

Yesterday’s wagers: -3.03 units

A’s MONEYLINE (lost 1.69 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (lost 1.8 units)
Indians MONEYLINE (lost 1.5 units)
Giants MONEYLINE (won 2.08 units)
Brewers MONEYLINE (won 1.36 units)
Mets MONEYLINE game 2 (lost 1.48 units)

YTD: -1.66 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

A’s MONEYLINE (1.70 units)
Mets MONEYLINE (2.48 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Indians MONEYLINE (1.5 units)

So on we march to Ryan Howard breaking his own ridiculous record of 199 strikeouts in a season. Boy, his .189 average is looking great in the middle of the Phils’ lineup right now. The funny part is that if you look at his situational stats, he actually does best with runner in scoring position and two outs…by hitting a lusty .222. He’s actually worse against righties when you look at his average, but he does have 21 of his 26 walks against righties. He’s horrible on the the road, hitting .146…but he’s only hitting .218 at home which is also completely unacceptable. What a mess.

We here at City of Pain wish Ryan the best because in the end, it’s better for the Phils if he hits. But if he thinks he’s getting a contract extension anytime soon, forget it.

MLB Single Season record: 199
Ryan Howard’s 2008 total: 68
Ryan Howard’s 2008 projection: 234 (up three from last time)
Chance of Ryan Howard striking out: 35%
Last Game: 0-3, 3 Ks

Strikeouts needed for a new record: 132

#1 are these two dudes.

#2 is pittsburgh vs. detroit in the stanley cup. while it should be a rather skilled affair compared to some years past, i am bitter and couldn’t be bothered. plus, i have to listen to those two assclowns who called the flyers series on versus one more time, i will eat my own hand. i’m going with pittsburgh in six because theo fleury has made an exceptional transition to a goalie as a 45 year old man.

#3 is the nba playoffs. i know david stern is one happy bastard, but seriously, the celtics, lakers, pistons and spurs is like rooting for cancer, aids, ebola, and kobe bryant…everyone loses. the hornets would have solved my problems. even the jazz for god’s sake, if only so we can mock their owner’s faith and see kyle korver again just one last time. i’m going lakers/pistons, with the lakers winning in five.

oh, and my predication for #1 is the guy sitting down.

Yesterday’s wagers: +3.20 units

Rockies MONEYLINE (won 1.68 units)
Dodgers MONEYLINE (won 1.2 units)
Oakland MONEYLINE (lost 2.08 units)
A’s/Rays over 7.5 (won 1.2 units)
Twins/Rangers over 9 (won 1.2 units)

YTD: + 1.37 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

A’s MONEYLINE (2 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Indians MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Giants MONEYLINE (2.08 units)
Brewers MONEYLINE (1.36 units)
Mets MONEYLINE game 2 (1.43 units)

Credit to Si’com’s Brian Graham for this article on how pathetic Philadelphia sports truly is. 

This pretty much sums it up. 

7/17/08 wagers: +6.59 units

Indians MONEYLINE (lost 2.68 units)
Red Sox -1.5 (won 1.44 units)
Marlins MONEYLINE (won 2.32 units)
Cardinals MONEYLINE (won 1.79 units)
Nationals/Orioles over 8.5 (won 1.92 units)
Rays/Cardinals over 9 (won 1.8 units)

YTD: -1.83 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

Units to win will be filled in by 6:30pm this evening.

Rockies MONEYLINE (1.68 units)
Dodgers MONEYLINE (1.63 units)
Oakland MONEYLINE (2.08 units)
A’s/Rays over 7.5 (1.26 units)
Twins/Rangers over 9 (1.38 units)

and so, it ends. this flyers team was a good team. it had talent and scrap and edge. it also took dumb penalties and got in horrible streaks that it couldn’t pull out of fast enough. but enough about this season…let’s take a look ahead like all philadelphia sports losers like to do. 

Unrestricted Free Agents

Jim Dowd
Riley Cote
Vaclav Prospal
Jason Smith
Rory Fitzpatrick
Jaroslav Modry

Other than Prospal, no big deal losing all of them…which we might have to do because

Restricted Free Agents

RJ Umberger
Jeff Carter
Patrick Thoresen
Stefan Ruzicka
Ryan Potulny
Randy Jones
Nate Guenin

well, in a perfect world, you’d like to keep all these guys. but i think carter and jones come first. umberger and thoresen have a lot of potential, but at some point, we’re going to run out of cap space. we pick up 4 million in space or so from the list above, another 2 for vinny and another 3.5 if mike rathje officially retires. that should go a long way to getting these guys signed. there are a lot of players out there on the market this summer, but i fully expect holmgren to tweak rather than tear down. 

good season fellas. don’t go gambling with rick tocchet this summer.

It wouldn’t be city of pain if my bets actually won, would it?

Yesterday’s wagers: -5.62 units

Indians MONEYLINE (lost 1.87 units)
Red Sox MONEYLINE (PPD)
Marlins MONEYLINE (lost 1.72 units)
Cardinals MONEYLINE (lost 1.19 units)
Cubs -1.5 (won 1.68 units)
Nationals/Orioles over 8.5 (lost 1.32 units)
Rays/Cardinals over 9 (lost 1.2 units)

YTD: -8.42 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

Indians MONEYLINE (2.47 units)
Red Sox -1.5 (1.44 units)
Marlins MONEYLINE (2.32 units)
Cardinals MONEYLINE (1.79 units)
Nationals/Orioles over 8.5 (1.92 units)
Rays/Cardinals over 9 (1.8 units)

Yesterday’s wagers: +0.34 units

Tigers MONEYLINE (lost 2.06 units)
Marlins MONEYLINE (PPD)
Royals/Tigers over 9 (won 1.2 units)
Cardinals/Pirates over 8.5 (won 1.2 units)

YTD: -2.80 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

Indians MONEYLINE (2 units)
Red Sox MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Marlins MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Cardinals MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Cubs -1.5 (1.68 units)
Nationals/Orioles over 8.5 (1.2 units)
Rays/Cardinals over 9 (1.2 units)

Reports are that we may see both Coburn and Timmonen back for Game 5.  Does this change anything?  Maybe.  Does it mean we have a shot to win two games in Pittsburgh, a place where they have won 15 straight?  Doubtful.

Sunday should be interesting though.  A win then suddenly makes this series interesting.  Real interesting.

Yesterday’s wagers: +1.43 units

Dodgers MONEYLINE (won 1.2 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (won 1.64 units)
Tigers MONEYLINE (lost 3.73 units)
Cardinals MONEYLINE (won 1.12 units)
Nationals/Mets under 9 (won 1.2 units)

YTD: -3.14 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

Tigers MONEYLINE (1.73 units)
Marlins MONEYLINE (2 units)
Royals/Tigers over 9 (1.2 units)
Cardinals/Pirates over 8.5 (1.2 units)

Yesterday’s wagers: -5.25 units

Mariners MONEYLINE (lost 2.61 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (lost 1.44 units)
Tigers MONEYLINE (lost 1.20 units)

YTD: -4.57 units

Today’s Plays – All wagers are to win the units listed.

Dodgers MONEYLINE (1.2 units)
Yankees MONEYLINE (1.64 units)
Tigers MONEYLINE (2.79 units)
Cardinals MONEYLINE (1.12 units)
Nationals/Mets under 9 (1.2 units)

Have faith gamblers.  Have faith.