city of pain

Hating Sean Avery is no longer an option for me. Nope. The guy is officially my idol now. I can’t believe the NHL suspended him for what he said. I’m calling for a presidential pardon immediately, followed by every team in the NHL retiring his number like baseball did to Jackie Robinson. Sean, I just want to personally apologize for never liking you all of these years. You’re a little pesky bastard, the shit you pulled against Broduer in last year’s playoffs was amateur on your part, and that ESPN 360 show about you loving fashion and dressing Barbie Dolls when you were younger was…..questionable. But honestly man, you have been absolved of all of this in my eyes. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a good laugh yesterday and realizing what a true genius you really are.

I especially want to highlight the following reasons why you are officially my hero:

1. You’re already known as the most hated player in the league. That’s hard to do in the NHL considering the amount of goons and enforcers that exist on a regular basis. Some players are hated because they’re good (like Sidney Crosby, who has sex with men just like you do) and some players are hated because their annoying little fucks. I admire that.

2. You had a rule named after you (the “Avery Rule“). Not many players can say that.

3. You managed to get the Dallas Stars to somehow sign you to a 15 million dollar deal this off-season, even though they were completely aware that you are not that skilled as a player, and have major baggage. Genius. Whoever your agent is, please have him call me.

4. You are constantly in the spotlight saying and doing commendable shit. Some of my personal favorites are these that I found on Wikipedia today:

-Denis Gauthier of the Phoenix Coyotes body checked Kings forward Jeremy Roenick in a 2005 preseason game, giving Roenick a concussion. Avery’s response was “I think it was typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on, running around and playing tough and not back anything up,” generating much controversy with the French-Canadian public.

-Avery made news during the regular season when Georges Laraque of the Edmonton Oilers, a Black Canadian, claimed that Avery called him a monkey during an contest between the two teams. The incident was never proven and Avery adamantly denies it ever occurred.

-Avery and Anaheim Mighty Ducks broadcaster and former Montreal Canadiens goaltender Brian Hayward had a heated discussion in the Kings dressing room on April 7, 2006, over Hayward’s on air comments during the April 4 Kings vs Ducks game, in which he accused Avery of avoiding a fight with Ducks’ forward Todd Fedoruk. Avery began the argument by uttering that Hayward was an “embarrassment”, a “(terrible) announcer”, and was a “(terrible) player”. Hayward responded by saying “How would you know? When I played, you were in your third year of eighth grade.”

-Colin Campbell and the NHL fined Avery, Darcy Tucker, the Rangers, and the Toronto Maple Leafs for pre-game actions during warm ups before their November 10 meeting. Howard Berger of Toronto radio station CJCL The Fan 590 alleged that the reason for the altercation was a remark made by Avery concerning Jason Blake’s diagnosis with a rare form of Leukemia. However Avery denied making the comments.

Finally Sean, what you said yesterday about sloppy seconds was on a level of genius comparable to Einstein, Beethoven, and Bunny the Tap Dancer. You managed to completely call another guy out for banging your ex, you completely disparaged her in the process by making her look like some whore who has sex with hockey players, and you deflected a lot of this attention onto those two, in addition to yourself. I’m speechless. If you want to get back at an ex, there’s nothing more degrading then calling her out for being someone else’s sloppy seconds. Sean, I need more from you please. Looking at your track record I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Don’t let me down, and thank you.

dear brett,

go away. no really. just go back to mississippi. retire. do commercials. haunt us every football game selling aftershave or bbq sauce or coors light or vicodin. because after all this bullshit, i’ve had enough of you.

as an eagles fan, this is probably a good thing because it hurts the packers no matter who the quarterback ends up being this year. you’re old and fading. aaron rodgers is young and awful. if the reid kids’ anger and heroin hadn’t distracted him from finding a punt returner last year, the eagles would have won that game, it would have changed the makeup of your entire season, and you wouldn’t have had the honor of throwing a game ending interception as the last play of your career. even then, you didn’t have to retire. just make up your mind and stick with it.

and this is also a big giant fuck you to the media. from espn to profootballtalk to cheeseheadhomos.blogspot.com, this has been the ultimate non-event. oh, he got on a plane. oh oh, he got a plane. fucking hell. there’s a war, an election, a pennant race, and $4 gas. there are actual stories in actual training camps but who cares? a washed up quarterback can’t stand being at home with his wife and kids.  but you know what? even i’m writing about it now. some members of the media have had enough of brett’s antics like don banks on si.com. and i thank them for that. only you can prevent these egomaniacs from thinking they’re special. 

so enjoy tampa or your retirement or sitting on the bench, you ass. you’ve earned every ounce of hatred from packers fan and the general sports following public. and i hope the people who can pay you money in the next phase of your life realize this. we don’t want any more brett farve.

fuck off, 

dj robbie

#1 are these two dudes.

#2 is pittsburgh vs. detroit in the stanley cup. while it should be a rather skilled affair compared to some years past, i am bitter and couldn’t be bothered. plus, i have to listen to those two assclowns who called the flyers series on versus one more time, i will eat my own hand. i’m going with pittsburgh in six because theo fleury has made an exceptional transition to a goalie as a 45 year old man.

#3 is the nba playoffs. i know david stern is one happy bastard, but seriously, the celtics, lakers, pistons and spurs is like rooting for cancer, aids, ebola, and kobe bryant…everyone loses. the hornets would have solved my problems. even the jazz for god’s sake, if only so we can mock their owner’s faith and see kyle korver again just one last time. i’m going lakers/pistons, with the lakers winning in five.

oh, and my predication for #1 is the guy sitting down.

Credit to Si’com’s Brian Graham for this article on how pathetic Philadelphia sports truly is. 

This pretty much sums it up. 

It’s been a few days since the New York Football Giants have miraculously won the Super Bowl and the world still isn’t the same. In case none of you were counting, that makes 11 Super Bowl titles for the NFC East (5 for the Cowboys, 3 for the Giants and Redskins each) and zero for the Eagles. You do the math here. 42 Super Bowls played, 11 of them won by the NFC East (that’s 26% in case you are keeping track at home) and our Philadelphia Eagles have a whopping pile of nothing to show for it. Think about it this way, of the 42 Super Bowls played, an NFC East team has played in the game 19 times. That’s 45%. There is a goddam NFC East Team in the Super Bowl 45% of the time, and when you throw out the first four Super Bowls which had zero NFC East teams, the NFC East has been represented in the big game 50% of the time since 1971’s Super Bowl V. Only the AFC East comes closest with 16 teams since the Super Bowl’s inception. So not only have the Eagles only represented the NFC East twice in 42 years, they haven’t won a friggin thing.

In my opinion, this makes the Giants victory this past Sunday the biggest tragedy in this city since a) that Action News weatherman Jim O’Brien jumped out of a plane with a faulty parachute and b) the Sixers decided on a creepy, sunglass-wearing, ass-sniffing, womanizing, coke snorting, ice cream truck driving pedophile mascot named ‘Hip Hop’ to terrorize children during Sixers games in between somersault dunks off a trampoline.

I’m not sure Hip Hop actually engages in any of the aforementioned activities (although likely), but I still cannot understand why one of the most storied franchises in basketball has a fucking rabbit as its mascot. What’s next, the Phillies choosing a neon green anteater with a party favor blower thingy coming out of it’s snout who drives around in a four-wheeler and humps people as our mascot? Kill me now.

As much as I hate the New England Patriots for being cheaters and having everyone crowning them as the greatest team ever, I could not root for David in his battle versus Goliath. I just couldn’t do it. I’d much rather see New England once again raise their tainted trophy, having everyone in America (including their own fans) know that they cheated their way to at least three Super Bowl titles. Instead, we were all forced to watch a completely undeserving coach and a quarterback who poops his pants every other quarter hold up the trophy. I hated every second of it. Eli Manning? Super Bowl MVP? Say it isn’t so, please God. Please tell me I’m still dreaming. If I have to watch that ‘miracle’ play when Eli got out of the clutches of Patriot defenders one more time I’m going to krazy glue my asshole shut and eat 40 pounds of spicy Thai food. Nobody seems to remember that all Asante Samuel had to do was intercept that lame duck pass Eli threw 30 seconds before and the game would have been over. Still want this overpriced, ‘shut down’ corner Eagles fans? Doubtful.

When is it going to be our turn? Seriously? How much more of this do we have to endure for God’s sake? The Giants lose Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey and what happens? They win the Super Bowl! Maybe the Eagles really are a few players away from being champions. I need answers.