city of pain

Yea so last night Dionte Christmas got pulled over by the cops for “driving erratically in a car with heavily tinted windows” on Broad Street. “Police later learned that the car Christmas had been driving belonged to Sixer forward/center Marreese Speights, Police said. The 9mm apparently also was registered to Speights, he said.”

Oh cool. I still don’t know why the Sixers let go such a high character rookie. I mean, he went to Temple so he definitely cannot be a criminal. For all we know he was driving to Sammy Dalembert’s house to make him ‘disappear’ and salvage the 2009-2010 season for the fans. Dionte Christmas was our John Connor sent back in time to take care of the man who is going to destroy the world of Sixers fans. I demand an explanation from the Sixers front office as to why the mission was aborted. I’m waiting for a response, Ed Stefanski.

For some reason I have a feeling that this won’t be the last time Sammy makes the list this year. Just a hunch there. Certainly, there will be other Sixers to appear on this list because they are such frauds. Yet, none are bigger than Slammin Sammy Dalembert. Sammy is riding the bench more and more, his defending skills have eroded to almost nothing, and he still looks unbelievably clueless on the court night after night. It’s almost unbearable. Now with the injury to Elton Brand, expect to see Sammy out on the floor even more, confirming to the rest of the world how poisonous he is to the team’s success.

Let’s tackle Sammy from two angles here because it’s easier to understand just how worthless this clown is when you look at two simple facts.

#1 - Sammy is simply not talented in any way, shape, or form. Let’s just get that out of the way up front. His career numbers are 8.3 points/game, 8.0 rebounds/game, and 52% shooting from the floor in 27 minutes a game on average. This season? Try 5.8 points, 8.2 rebounds, and 45% shooting from the floor in 25 minutes a game. And the Sixers are paying him 10.5 million dollars this year, with only 48 players in the entire NBA making more than this joke. In the next two years he is owed 11.3 and 12.2 million by the Sixers. Dalembert’s best year was last year where he averaged 10 points and 10 rebounds a night, which for 60 million dollars seems almost criminal. Really? 60 million dollars for that? I could stand at half court and heave up shots and score ten points a night. This guy has been a full time player in the NBA since 2003 and he hasn’t improved his game one iota. If you look up the word ’stagnant’ in the dictionary it will have Sammy’s picture and career stats next to it. Guarenteed.

#2 - Even more egregious than his unbearable level of talent is the fact that Sammy doesn’t give two shits about being a good player. How can we say he does? When you are in the league and don’t strive to improve then what are you? Seriously. People who are successful in this world are ones who look for advantages, look to educate themselves in their profession, whatever. Sammy? Sammy has the willpower of a homeless person. Sammy got kicked off the Canadian national team this past summer for NOT CARING. He didn’t fucking care. Do we need to say anything more? If you can’t make the Canadian basketball team as a starting NBA center then you might as well pack your bags and get the fuck out of dodge. He has zero commitment to his job and we’re stuck with him for two more years. It’s sickening.

So thanks Sammy. Thanks for swindling the team with some ungodly 60 million dollar contract that should have you thrown in jail for essentially breaching, and thanks for not getting serious about helping this franchise win anything. You are a total disgrace to the Sixers organization. I’d feel better if the Sixers gave the money to Al-Queda to finance terror attacks than give it to you. And thanks for being an amazing candidate for this award you lazy pig.

I don’t know if today is National Gay Day, Hug a Homo, Eat an Ass, or whatever it’s called, but I was both stunned and completely exhilarated to hear that America’s gays and lesbians were being urged to ‘call in gay’ today at work. Read about it here. Fucking huge right there. Why didn’t we think of this? I mean look, it’s funny to make fun of people in general and it’s even funnier to make fun of gay people because, well, they’re gay. It just makes the rest of us feel better about ourselves anyway, and that’s what life’s really about. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being gay, and there are easily qualities about certain people that make them a million times worse….like being mean, evil, dishonest, hateful, from Dallas, New York, or Boston, thinking it’s ok to work out at my gym and blow dry your ball hair at the same sink I wash my hands at, etc. So many stereotypes exist about gay people that maybe they do deserve their own day off, simply because they’ve taken so much punishment over the years. It’s not fair for ignorant minded people to think the only reason gay men have lisps is because they get their tonsils tickled so much. And please, get it out of your head that farts are like perfume to a gay man. That’s just totally wrong.

This immediately got City of Pain’s staff working on a new piece we’ll be debuting today (and each week) in honor of this brilliant idea by our nations gay leaders. 99% of the USA doesn’t want to acknowledge that homosexuals need their own day, but City of Pain does. Now for some this might be tough to “swallow”, and others may have to “bite”, not their pillows, but their tongues. Let’s just get one thing “straight” here: Gay America doesn’t need to “get down on their knees” for recognition, and the rest of us need to “loosen up and accept” the inevitable. So to Gay America, this weekly award is dedicated in your honor.

Calling In Gay Weekly Award - Hip Hop

City of Pain’s hatred for Hip Hop, the 76ers’ absurd mascot, goes all the way back to 2007. If you ranked every single mascot in sports by appearance, demeanor, likeability, and relevance, Hip Hop would rank dead last on the planet. Even behind stupid mascot of minor league baseball teams that are named after sea life. Hip Hop is the absolute bottom of the barrel in this category, and it was only fitting that he was the first winner of this award.

I don’t know who ran the 76ers marketing department when the idea of Hip Hop was first born, but my guess is that person is no longer employed. If he/she were still working there, we probably would have seen mascots dressed as horse fish running around the arena, promotional nights where they give away cupcakes and replica unicorn horns, and halftime shows featuring one of the Bernstein Bears singing Debbie Gibson songs while riding a blue giraffe wearing candy necklaces. You mean to tell me that the best you could come up with is a rabbit (that stands on two legs no less), who wears sunglasses and has a name that relates to rap music? A RABBIT???? Why not just call yourself ‘Easter Bunny’ you psycho? And it’s racist too. And after all of that, you still need a trampoline to dunk a basketball. Why would you, you’re a fucking jackrabbit!!! You shouldn’t NEED a trampoline you deceitful bastard. And whoever decided to make you look like you’re on steroids should be shot too. An absolute disgrace.

So here’s to you Hip Hop. If we ever have a ‘Calling in Gay’ Yearly Award, please note you will win that too. You are a fraud, whoever ‘invented’ you should be hung, and to make matters worse your flaccid ears are too long. Pathetic. If our basketball team’s mascot is going to be a rabbit, we might as well dress the entire team in Alice in Wonderland outfits with no underwear on. You suck Hip Hop.

Ever since the Sixers sat at 18-30 in January, something has changed.  To pinpoint exactly what that ’something’ is would be impossible.  It’s doubtful that getting rid of Kyle Korver was the sole reason, and it’s probably unfair to say that the firing of Billy King and the bringing in of Ed Stefanski was the catalyst.  No, the reason the Sixers turned it around it because they had a lot of players all get better at the same time, and pretty much at the same rate.  That’s really the only reason I can think of.  The team that stepped on the floor back in October is nothing like the one that beat the Pistons last night in Game 1.   

In the first half of the season you had the still unproven Andre Iguodala stupidly turning down a contract that was going to pay him much more than he was worth. You had a point guard in Andre Miller who was too old, and your only hope for him was that he played well enough during the season to have good value in a trade, come deadline time.  You had a glimmer of hope in Louis Williams as a point guard, but he would probably end up being on the bench most games, and was still too young to realistically invest any significant amount of faith into.  You bring back Korver, a nice player off of the bench, but who would still always be the 4th or 5th best player on a slightly above average team and a guy who solely shot three pointers.  You may have had a decent draft class, but you’ll have to wait a few years to see how that works out.  You had Sammy Dalembert as your starting center.  Enough said.  

Now?  Iguodala looks like a genius in turning down that contract, probably earned himself 10-20% more money, learned how to play great defense, and arguably catapulted himself into one of the top 25 players in the league.  The scary thing is that he still has A LOT to improve upon.  Andre Miller has turned into a top five point guard in the NBA, and, at 32 years old, looks like your guy for the next three years.  The scary thing is he finally plays on a team that showcases his one talent that has never be truly utilized before.  Scoring.   Lou Williams is officially a stud and has shown you he has a brain and can rebound extremely well.  Two plusses.  The Korver trade not only got you a 1st round draft pick down the road (for free basically) but……it allowed some of the younger guys to get playing time.  Thaddeus Young?  Can you say “Thank you Billy King”?  Reggie Evans?  Fucking rebounding machine.  Even Sammy gives you 18 and 10 every night, although still has a brain capacity of a turd sandwich.   It’s like the stars have aligned.

So after all of this, after the huge turnaround, after actually getting fans to show up at your games, after beating some of the best teams in the NBA, what happens?  You go 1-5 down the stretch (the one win against Detroit, ironically) and blow the chance to play a lesser team in the first round. 

Didn’t matter.  A ten point underdog going into Detroit, the Sixers pulled off a come from behind miracle that even Andre Iguodala couldn’t blow.  They literally shocked the world.  And as scary as it sounds, that is three straight wins against the Pistons.  The thought of going into Philly against a red hot team and playing in front of a bloodthirsty crowd has all of a sudden got to be a little unnerving for the Pistons.  The Pistons had chances to bury the Sixers last night, but they continued to miss easy shot after easy shot.  I think the Pistons now know that it’s going to take a few more made open shots to fend off this Sixers team.  They also need to take 4 of 6 against a team that has beaten them three straight.  Slightly daunting if you ask me. 

Teams that win Game 1 win the series 83% of the time.  Do you believe yet?  After everything I’ve seen this year, yes.  A much hungrier and younger Sixers team in 6. 

well, i don’t think anyone saw this coming. both the flyers and sixers have clinched berths in playoffs for the first time together since the 2002-2003 seasons. at the start of their seasons, you probably would have gotten better odds on them both finishing last in their divisions than both making the playoffs.

the sixers seem to have the stronger team, at least on momentum alone. problem is, that unlike hockey, there are some great teams at the top of the conference that the sixers will likely have to face. and if they don’t get a great team, they get a great player, either dwight howard or lebron. the cavs still remind me a little of the early jordan-era bulls. the supporting cast is a steaming pile of mediocrity, that without lebron, would have trouble matching with the heat or the knicks.

the flyers, on the other hand, are limping their way into the playoffs. they could finish anywhere for sixth to eighth at this point. that means montreal, pittsburgh or likely washington. if washington loses and carolina sneaks in, we want the hurricanes like bob clarke wants his job back. if not, i want no part of washington because huet’s been playing well and ovechkin is a beast that could single-handedly beat this team. they don’t have much line depth, so maybe we’d have a chance. in the end, there’s no team to beat in the east and, like always, a hot goalie can win you a round or two. watch marty tomorrow for signs of him standing on his head.

we’re excited here at city of pain for the double-playoff spring…just because it distracts us from the phillies bullpen and thoughts of self-mutilation. i’m thinking one of them gets out of the first round, but i’m not making a prediction until i see who’s on the other bench.