City of Pain

Ryan Howard may not exactly pull the same quality of trim as say, George Clooney, but the guy isn’t doing half bad either. And he’s usually pretty stealth about his personal affairs which he does deserve some credit for (are you reading this Shane Victorino you scumbag?) He gets his shit taken care of between the sheets and then let’s his scummies out the door just in time for him to hit the continental breakfast. Apart from being hung like a beluga whale, I’m sure the $190 million dollars he will earn in the first ten years of his career helps in the foreplay department. That amount of money, by the way, is more than any player in baseball history has ever earned in their first ten seasons. So F you A-Rod.

In the old news department, the most recent chick Ryno was powerjacking was Krystle Campbell, an Eagles cheerleader who also used to apparently “hang out” with Jeff Carter. Krystle is ok, sort of like the rest of the Eagles cheerleaders are just ok. I have no idea where they find these chicks to be honest. Krystle is one of those girls who goes to the shore one summer and comes back looking like John Candy.  Those pesky funnel cakes will do it every time.

So anyway, the woman pictured at the top of the post is Ryan Howard’s new girlfriend. Who is she? Only a Victoria’s Secret model with the body of a…Victoria’s Secret model. She’s been in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit issue along with dating Nick Cannon. If you know who Nick Cannon is then you should probably punch yourself in the nuts. Where did he find this chick? She looks like the type of girl who wouldn’t step foot in Philly because it smells too much like subway piss.

“Selita Ebanks was born on February 15th 1983 in Georgetown, Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands. She is of Irish, African, Caymanian, Jamaican and Indian descent and was raised in a large family that was quite poor. She lived in “a little blue, zinc-roof shack on Walkers Road” and often didn’t have shoes to wear to primary school.”

Oh boo hoo honey. Did you and your brothers have to hunt neighborhood dogs for food and re-use toilet paper too? I hate sob stories like this. I had it much worse than her by far. I had to grow up in West Chester, which is ten miles from Coatesville. And you don’t want to live near Coatesville. Ever.

The last three weeks of Phillies baseball has been harder to watch than granny porn. Unable to score runs, wasting “great” starting pitching from Kyle Kendrick and Jamie Moyer, suffering bleeding of the ears listening to Wheels put a glimmer of sunshine on every mistake the team makes, the fielding errors, and all of Greg Dobbs. And did I mention Greg Dobbs?

On the surface, offensively they should probably think about picking it up soon. Overall in the majors the team is 16th in batting average, 12th in home runs, 18th in RBIs, and 24th in hits. Middle of the road bullshit stats for a team that should not be middle of the road. Last season the Phillies finished 23rd, 3rd, 4th, and 15th, respectively; however, the awful 2009 team batting average (and subsequently, hits) may have had something to do with the fact that Jayson Werth, Pedro Feliz, Carlos Ruiz, and Jimmy Rollins all finished the season under .270. And let’s not forget the less than stellar seasons off the bench of Matt Stairs (.194) and, you guessed it, Greg Dobbs (.247). Oh yea and this year they are 27th in steals too. Awesome.

This season against NL East opponents not named the Nationals, the Phils have only managed a 9-12 record including 4-8 on the road.  Think that’s bad? Check out the upcoming June series schedule: Marlins (home), Red Sox (away), Yankees (away), Twins (home), Indians (home), Blue Jays (road), and Reds (road). There is one gimme in there, and that’s Cleveland. It’s enough to make you wonder if there really is a reason no NL team has reached three straight World Series since 1944.

Are there any bright spots?

It’s easy to pore over large amounts of data and try and find statistics that strengthen your argument (see most of my posts). In order to support the argument that the Phils will return to the top of the NL, I don’t think you need to dig that deep (yet). First, look at the standings. Even after a 6-12 record in the last 18 games, the Phils find themselves 2.5 games behind the best record in the NL which is still somehow currently held by the Padres. The Braves may be up two games, but they’ve also played two more games than the Fightins. After 55 games last year, the Phils were 33-22 and then proceeded to go on a 4-12 run over their next 16 games.

What is going on with these guys on the DL? Rollins, Happ, and Madson will be back eventually…right? It will be addition by subtraction. Wouldn’t swapping Juan Casto and Kyle Kendrick out of the lineup be the cure for any team mired in a slump? Wouldn’t moving Victorino out of the leadoff spot be a good thing? Wouldn’t having less of Danys Baez in general benefit all parties involved? I feel like we are a modern day version of Anne Frank, typing away here waiting for someone to rescue us. Dear Phillies, we want to be rescued. Like now.

So the story from last night’s Phillies’ victory of the Padres could be many things: Halladay’s first start after the perfect game, Jim Joyce getting booed for being an assclown, a Phillies hitter getting two extra base hits in a game, or even the fact that they won.

The slump is still alive. They only managed six hits all game against a wild Mat Latos. And they get a relatively hot Jon Garland tonight, so get ready for 0-3 runs and a lot of shouting “come the fuck on Raul” at the TV again.

I was most pleased to see Brad Lidge pick up a painless save against the heart of the Padres lineup (if you can really call it that…if you think the Padres are winning the NL West with that lineup, you’re deranged enough to be a Real Housewives show). Of course, the eighth was an adventure courtesy of JC and JC. If we’ve learned anything so far, it’s that nothing is going to be easy with this Phillies team, except making filthy amounts of money.

I’m debating how much time I want to devote to the Phillies these days. No panic here, but three games behind the Braves?  Deep down I know they are going to bust out of this slump (I believe this weekend in a big way, actually) but jesus christ guys. What the hell is going on in that clubhouse? If Charlie has to go to the press to bitch about you having big egos and getting complacent, then that scares me. A lot. I’m no former major league ballplayer but it sure seems like Charlie is sort of/maybe/definitely breaking the code of locker room privacy with his last rant. Good for him.

I’m no MIT math scholar, but probability-wise I find it peculiar that the entire team takes a huge dump all at the same time. Ryan Howard can’t hit homers yet leads the team in singles (which frankly should never happen), Utley is hitting .164 the last three weeks, Ibanez looks like he is batting blindfolded, and don’t even get me started on Jayson Werth. You should have kept the beard buddy. And if you were going to shave, why do you insist on keeping that flavor saver? I need Jimmy back and I need him back soon.

And F you too Greg Dobbs. You make David Bell look like Mike Schmidt.