City of Pain

Desean, Desean, Desean. I’m still not sure what to think of you. You’re obviously a ludicrously talented fellow who will likely be frightening white safeties all over the NFL once again next year.

But you also skipped OTAs to hang out with Josh Smith instead of, you know, getting reps with Kevin Kolb, the QB whose takeover you pretty much helmed.

Then I watch your highlights from last year, and well shit, you could pretty much take a dump on the Liberty Bell, and I’d still want you catching passes in midnight green.

Ultimately, I think it all comes down to one picture for me.

He’s smiling, but he ain’t happy. He’s pissed as shit that jersey has a 2 on it. And he’s pissed because he’s getting paid #2 money. And he’s taken being pissed into being a beast on the field and lighting people on fire. I think the Eagles need to make it right for him as best they can because I’m not sure he’s going to be OK when his contract is up if they don’t. A contract is a contract, but a superstar is a superstar. And a superstar might be a jerk, and that’s alright. Better than him being a clown…

So sayeth the Wikipedia and so it shall be true:

The third and perhaps most familiar source is Lewis Carroll‘s Through the Looking-Glass and what Alice Found There. Carroll, having introduced two fat little men named Tweedledum and Tweedledee, quotes the nursery rhyme, which the two brothers then go on to enact. They agree to have a battle, but never have one. When they see a monstrous black crow swooping down, they take to their heels. The Tweedle brothers never contradict each other, even when one of them, according to the rhyme, “agrees to have a battle”. Rather, they complement each other’s words. This fact has led Tenniel to assume that they are twins also physically, and Gardner goes so far as to claim that Carroll intended them to be enantiomorphs, i.e. three-dimensional mirror images.

I’d like to take this opportunity to pick a little bone with Howard Eskin and the rest of the fourth estate here in Philadelphia. It would be nice to see people call a spade, a spade. Don’t tell me that good teams run the ball more because they’re winning because they’ve already passed the ball to score a lot of points. I understand passing is an integral part of today’s NFL offense. I’m not part of the Dirty Thirty so I get that. It’s the simple fact that you can more effectively pass when teams believe that you might run. Offense is about unpredictability and execution. You can run similar plays over and over again if you have superior execution and/or they don’t know its coming. The Redskins ran the fucking counter trey and million times in the 80′s. And you couldn’t stop it because they have superior execution with the Hogs. I can’t expect Andy to teach execution, so that leaves unpredictability.

46 passes to 16 runs is not unpredictability.

Did Andy Reid feel that 4 yards a carry was not a good result in the first half?

Did Andy and Marty feel that because they were down 3-0, 10-0 and 10-3 that the run should be abandoned to save time? And then piss away every second in the final four minutes?

The Eagles’ offense has had a chance to win the game for the team several times this year (not Washington #1 because the defense was abused and not the Ravens because Donovan was apparently pregnant that day)

Dallas: 4:35 to score a TD, 2 drives, 11 plays, 21 yards
Chicago: 10:30 to score a TD, 1 drive,  11 plays, 75 yards (this is predictability and bad execution at its finest)
New York #1: 3:17 to score a TD, 1 drive, 6 plays, 31 yards 
Cinci: 2:44 to score a FG, 2 drives, 6 plays, 9 yards (I’m not even going to look at OT, because it makes the pain to real…it’s like watching bud dwyer or something)
Washington #2: 15:00 to score a TD, 5 drives (4 3 and outs), 28 plays, 20 yards in 4 drives and 90 in the last

This is not a good sign. It hints at a bigger problem that I heard someone mention on Eskin tonight. Since the Super Bowl, the Eagles have been tied or behind in 32 games and have won only 5 of them. Either the defense isn’t doing enough to help the offense come back (quite possible) or it’s that the Eagles can’t play from behind because everyone knows they’ll just keep throwing the ball time and time again.

Fire Andy.

Thank you.

There’s really not much I can say here. I didn’t get to watch the game. I just watched the highlights and read a couple articles on philly.com. But I think I know enough to understand that Andy Reid should be fired at the end of this season. He’s a stubborn bastard and he’s too stupid to realize that this isn’t 2004 anymore. His team isn’t like 2004′s. His quarterback isn’t like 2004′s. The competition isn’t like 2004′s. Only Andy Reid is trapped there, living off his 4 trips to the NFC championship game. Hopefully, Lurie realizes this and has the stones to actually change the direction of this team. Since the Super Bowl, the Eagles are a half game over .500. This is not progress. This is a team stuck in neutral. Yes, there have been injuries. Find me a team where there are no injuries. Yes, the level of our division has been improving. Again, things move in cycles.  Except here, where things move like pennies through Joe Banner’s bony claws: not at all.

Let’s look at some fun tables:

Here’s what it looks like what you sort the Eagles games by number of rushes. Hey wait, all the wins come to the top.

And hey, look here. When you sort by time of possession, the same thing happens. What a coincidence.

So it looks like running the ball and time of possession make a difference. Looking back, sacks didn’t make a huge difference across the board (did you know that the Giants totaled exactly zero sacks against us this year?) Turnovers and turnover margin had a decent correlation, but not like rushing (although you look back at the Bears game by the numbers and it makes you want to drive around with heroin and a loaded gun in your car.)

Rushing the ball wins games. Or teams that win games rush the ball. Let’s look inside those numbers a little. Looking at rushing attempts, I see two playoff teams that don’t/can’t run the ball for shit, Indy and Arizona. The top 10 has 8 likely playoff teams: Baltimore, Atlanta, Minnesota, Tennessee, Giants, Carolina, New England, Washington, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville. Same goes for the yards per game where you replace Jacksonville and Pittsburgh with the Jets and Raiders. Where do the Eagles land on these lists? 19th in attempts and 22nd in yards per game. So there’s that.

Let’s turn the tables: who are the best passing teams? In yards per game, it reads New Orleans, Arizona, Denver, Houston, Indy, Philly, San Diego, Dallas, Green Bay and Miami (what?!?). I count two playoff teams by default (Cards and AFC West winner) along with the Colts and maybe Dolphins.  So how about attempts? You can add in Jacksonville, Tampa and New England and take out San Diego, Green Bay and Miami. Eagles are #4 in attempts.

You know what makes this even worse? The Eagles’ completion percentage of 60.4% puts them 19th in the league. Yards per attempt is 6.78, again 19th. YPA is a very good barometer for shit teams. From the bottom, it goes Bengals, Browns, Seahawks, Raiders, Bears, Chiefs, Rams, Titans (uh oh) and Lions. Team passer rating? We’re looking at 22nd. Ints? 26th. I’m sure if you take out the Bengals and Ravens games, those two numbers look a lot better, but that’s not the purpose of today’s exercise. The purpose is to show that we’re a pass happy team that isn’t very good at passing because everyone knows its coming. You know why Philip Rivers put up ridiculous numbers this year? Because every defense keys on LT, even though he’s got less life in his legs than Heather Mills.

Other numbers to vomit on: Eagles are the 6th highest scoring team with the 9th best scoring defense. Our turnover margin is 0. We’ve forced more punts than any other team and have the fourth best net return against.

Overall, this season has to rank up there as one of the bigger disappointments of Big Red’s tenure. They’ve looked as good as any team all season (Giants, Cardinals)…and they’ve looked as bad as the worst teams in big games (Bengals, Ravens, Redskinsx2). The frightening thing is that the best games and the worst games ride the numbers on rushing attempts so perfectly that to deny them is to show blatant ignorance in a town that has no patience for it. Yet that is exactly what Andy has done. And that is why he should go. Leave Donovan. Leave Jim Johnson.

Fire Andy.

For years and years, the Eagles had stability. Sure, the last couple of years there has been a decline, but we’ve lost our quarterback a few times, had the T.O. clusterfuck, and the divisional competition has gained strength. Still, deep down we thought these Eagles may have one more run left in them. McNabb was 100% healthy, Westbrook was happy and healthy, they had a talented (although young) group of defenders, and a schedule that looked to be easier, at least on paper. Shit, even Sports Illustrated had us making the Super Bowl. We all know what had happened up until yesterday’s game, so there’s no need to re-hash the previous weeks now. What needs to be discussed is the 8.0 earthquake that ripped through the Eagles organization on Sunday November 23rd, 2008 that will change the landscape of this franchise forever. FOREVER.

Miscellaneous Garbage

The Eagles had a team meeting this week where they say Andy Reid was angrier than he’s ever been before. Oops, guess you’ll need to work on those pep talks Andy because it didn’t work. At this rate you’d stand a better chance trying to convince the team to subscribe to your weight loss plan than convince them to win a game. Also, coaching against a guy in John Harbaugh who used to be on your staff, Andy Reid should have conceivably been ready with a different game plan and/or approach than normal. Obviously each week is different and game plans always change, but it’s no shocker here that teams have caught on to what the Eagles have been doing recently, and coupling that with a guy who already knows what you do to begin with would seem to the casual fan to be a week when you really get everything in order. Apparently not.

What in the Fuck are you Thinking Andy

We could put a lot of different things under this category this week. A lot. Let’s start with the obvious first. If you’re going to pull your starting quarterback of 10 years, why would you do it in a must win game (an understatement), only down 10-7 at the half, on the road, and against a very good defense? Eagles fans attending the game in Baltimore cheered wildly when Kevin Kolb first came in, but make no mistake here, it was the wrong move at the wrong time. Reid didn’t even have the balls to tell McNabb himself. After all this guy has done for you, this is how it’s going to be handled? Wow. Inexcusable. Try explaining that one again Andy. You have to name this week’s starting QB at your noon press conference today. Who’s it going to be, Andy? If you start McNabb this week, you’re all but admitting you sacrificed the game and the season yesterday (because the season is now officially over) to get a spark out of you team by putting in a guy who has never really played before. If you start Kolb this week, you’re giving a guy four days to prepare for his first NFL start, and then a road game at the Giants the following week to deal with. Is that how this was really supposed to happen? You’re fucked either way Andy. That team meeting last week sure won’t sit well with the players now, especially since you just gambled the season away with a careless maneuver.

Andy’s Game Management 101

Hey Andy, I know you passed the ball 80% of the time last week and you knew you couldn’t have a repeat performance this week against Baltimore….but you still passed the ball SEVENTY PERCENT OF THE TIME. One of McNabb’s interceptions came on….take a wild guess everyone…3rd and 1. You have Kolb drive the field down to 2nd and Inches from the goal line, only to run a play-action pass into the back of the end zone against the NFL’s #2 ranked red zone defense. Gee, I’m shocked the Ravens didn’t buy your play action there Andy. I think we’re better off just kicking a field goal every time we get in the red zone. Take the 3 points and kick the ball. Explain to me why you dress only two running backs when you know Westbrook is less than 100%. So of course when Buckhalter goes down in the 1st quarter with a sprained MCL, you’re totally fucked in the ass. Finally, watching Andy trying to once again challenge calls that are a) unchallengeable and b) a guaranteed loss of a challenge if the play was challengeable in the first place, shows me he’s fucking lost his mind.

Yesterday we saw the first glimpse of panic, flippancy, and irrational behavior from our head coach. The guy who’s been level-headed and meticulous in his planning during his entire career is gone. There are no longer cracks in the foundation here, there are bombs being detonated all over the place with each passing game. The players aren’t good enough, the game-planning and play-calling is reckless and inefficient, and the way Andy Reid is handling the media, his players, and anything resembling a crisis is disgraceful.

I want answers now. Who is going to be held accountable? Where are you Mr. Lurie?

The Bengals. The goddam Bengals. You couldn’t even beat a 1-8 Bengals team who has a quarterback that doesn’t deserve to play for a Pop Warner team. The bitterness that is Philadelphia sports reared its ugly head yesterday while I was watching the worst game in the history of the NFL. It was a moment that so many of us experience quite often considering all of the dog shit teams we’ve had to endure over the past 25 years. Yesterday though, was the absolute bottom of the barrel. And I found myself wanting them to lose because somehow I thought it would make me feel better about hating them. I don’t think even Sigmund Freud could explain what goes through Eagles fans’ tormented minds during afternoons like this. I could have been watching videos of those people jumping out of the burning World Trade Center and felt better about life. I don’t even know where to begin because it’s that disgraceful. And we all thought last week was bad? Not even close. Last week was a cute fart that a baby makes. This week was a 20 pound avalanche of blood diarrhea that an elephant unleashes on a hot July afternoon.

I’ve watched a lot of commentary and listened to the talk shows about this game. I wanted to get some stats before I went any further. So thanks to Ray Didinger, NBC’s local Sunday Night show, and WIP’s morning show for enlightening me in many areas. It’s important that before I go on, I tell you the following:

1. Going into the game yesterday, the Bengals had the 25th ranked rushing defense in the NFL.

2. In 18 possessions (and in 5 full quarters), the eagles ran the ball 15 times to their running backs. That’s 76 plays in total, with 15 runs. On a windy day in Cincinnati, and against one of the worst rushing defenses in football, the Eagles ran the ball 20% of the time.

3. Of the 18 third downs the Eagles offense faced, they converted three of those opportunities for a 17% success rate. Of those 18 plays, the Eagles passed the ball SEVENTEEN times, and were sacked in the other play. So no matter how many yards they needed on third down, Andy Reid decided to throw the ball every single time. On a windy day. And against the 25th ranked rushing defense in the NFL.

4. Fully knowing that in order to make the playoffs, his team would most likely have to win nine games minimum (more likely 10 wins) to jump either Dallas or Washington, Andy Reid decided to play for the tie instead of going for the win. Apparently in his mind, a tie is better than a loss. And apparently in my mind Andy, you’re a fucking idiot.

First things first here. If you need a win and you’re playing the Bengals, you go for it. You’re probably not going to get a better shot than that. It shouldn’t even be a question. Secondly, during post game interviews the Bengals said they knew what plays the Eagles were going to run. Sound familiar? Umm, is Andy Reid selling his weekly playbook on eBay or maybe, JUST MAYBE, teams have finally figured him out? Tough call there. Andy, when the other teams know what plays you’re going to run, it makes it difficult to win most weeks.

Finally, let’s talk about the 400 pound ginger football coach in the room. Players not knowing the rules of overtime, and that a game can end in a tie, might be the most mind-boggling, disgraceful, pathetic, disgusting, asinine, and ridiculous thing I have ever seen or heard in all my years following sports. I knew this rule when I was EIGHT YEARS OLD. When the referee flips the coin at the beginning of overtime, he cleary says the rules. LJ Smith wake up douche tits! You were standing right next to the ref when he said the game would end in a tie at the end of the 15 minute period. It was only fitting that the Bengals missed the field goal and made this game a tie. It would have made things so much easier in the long run had they just won. Looking back on it, I should have known something was up when Mike Patterson was going ballistic after the Bengals missed the game winning field goal in overtime. Uh, cool Mike, you’re going to tie now. I mean I could MAYBE understand if you’ve been in the league 1-2 years and you don’t know, but if your a 4+ year veteran of this league who’s played in multiple overtime games (both in the regular season and the playoffs) and you don’t know the rules? I almost feel like you don’t deserve your job. A total fucking disgrace.

And McChoke…..where to even begin with him. It’s 100% apparent that he’s gone after the season, if not before. You can write that down and I’ll sign it with my own blood. He used to not be able to stay healthy. Now, he just sucks. Three interceptions yesterday could have easily been six, yet fortunately for McChuckles the Bengals defenders caught the balls as well as the Eagles receivers did. His passes suck, his decision-making sucks, and his brain sucks. We all knew he scored a beyond laughable 12 on the Wunderlick test, but what he said in the post game press conference yesterday proved he may actually be more more stupid than Vince Young, Shawn Kemp, and those black people who though they saw a leprechaun, combined.

For those of you who missed it, here’s what McBarf said (from Philly.com’s Rich Hoffman):

“”No, I didn’t know that,” McNabb said at his post game press conference. The 10-year veteran said he was not aware that one overtime is all you get in the NFL in the regular season until the final play of that overtime, when the Eagles tried an unsuccessful Hail Mary pass. He said, “When the play was called, I kind of figured, ‘I guess there’s ties in the NFL.’

“He said, “I’ve never been a part of a tie. I never even knew that was in the rule book. It’s part of the rules and we have to go with it. I was looking forward to the next opportunity to get out there and try to drive to win the game.”

Then McNabb compounded his error by not knowing the postseason overtime rule. Those games do play to a conclusion for obvious reasons, but McNabb said, “I hate to see what happens in the Super Bowl or I hate to see what happens in the playoffs. You have to settle with a tie.”"

The guy doesn’t even know the rules for the playoffs and Super Bowl. He’s got to be kidding me here. I’m speechless. Also please consider the fact that all of these morons who thought the game would go on until somebody scored could have played the game differently had they known their time was running out. How could you not? I need an explanation.

It’s over everyone. Over. There is no salvaging any of this.