Sean Avery Is My Hero
Hating Sean Avery is no longer an option for me. Nope. The guy is officially my idol now. I can’t believe the NHL suspended him for what he said. I’m calling for a presidential pardon immediately, followed by every team in the NHL retiring his number like baseball did to Jackie Robinson. Sean, I just want to personally apologize for never liking you all of these years. You’re a little pesky bastard, the shit you pulled against Broduer in last year’s playoffs was amateur on your part, and that ESPN 360 show about you loving fashion and dressing Barbie Dolls when you were younger was…..questionable. But honestly man, you have been absolved of all of this in my eyes. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a good laugh yesterday and realizing what a true genius you really are.
I especially want to highlight the following reasons why you are officially my hero:
1. You’re already known as the most hated player in the league. That’s hard to do in the NHL considering the amount of goons and enforcers that exist on a regular basis. Some players are hated because they’re good (like Sidney Crosby, who has sex with men just like you do) and some players are hated because their annoying little fucks. I admire that.
2. You had a rule named after you (the “Avery Rule“). Not many players can say that.
3. You managed to get the Dallas Stars to somehow sign you to a 15 million dollar deal this off-season, even though they were completely aware that you are not that skilled as a player, and have major baggage. Genius. Whoever your agent is, please have him call me.
4. You are constantly in the spotlight saying and doing commendable shit. Some of my personal favorites are these that I found on Wikipedia today:
-Denis Gauthier of the Phoenix Coyotes body checked Kings forward Jeremy Roenick in a 2005 preseason game, giving Roenick a concussion. Avery’s response was “I think it was typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on, running around and playing tough and not back anything up,” generating much controversy with the French-Canadian public.
-Avery made news during the regular season when Georges Laraque of the Edmonton Oilers, a Black Canadian, claimed that Avery called him a monkey during an contest between the two teams. The incident was never proven and Avery adamantly denies it ever occurred.
-Avery and Anaheim Mighty Ducks broadcaster and former Montreal Canadiens goaltender Brian Hayward had a heated discussion in the Kings dressing room on April 7, 2006, over Hayward’s on air comments during the April 4 Kings vs Ducks game, in which he accused Avery of avoiding a fight with Ducks’ forward Todd Fedoruk. Avery began the argument by uttering that Hayward was an “embarrassment”, a “(terrible) announcer”, and was a “(terrible) player”. Hayward responded by saying “How would you know? When I played, you were in your third year of eighth grade.”
-Colin Campbell and the NHL fined Avery, Darcy Tucker, the Rangers, and the Toronto Maple Leafs for pre-game actions during warm ups before their November 10 meeting. Howard Berger of Toronto radio station CJCL The Fan 590 alleged that the reason for the altercation was a remark made by Avery concerning Jason Blake’s diagnosis with a rare form of Leukemia. However Avery denied making the comments.
Finally Sean, what you said yesterday about sloppy seconds was on a level of genius comparable to Einstein, Beethoven, and Bunny the Tap Dancer. You managed to completely call another guy out for banging your ex, you completely disparaged her in the process by making her look like some whore who has sex with hockey players, and you deflected a lot of this attention onto those two, in addition to yourself. I’m speechless. If you want to get back at an ex, there’s nothing more degrading then calling her out for being someone else’s sloppy seconds. Sean, I need more from you please. Looking at your track record I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Don’t let me down, and thank you.
Recently
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:01 pm
You forgot to mention that, for a hockey player, Sean Avery is really good looking.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:07 pm
You forgot to mention that, for hot Canadian ass like Elisha Cuthbert, there really is no other option than hockey players. The other athletes are CFL players and the Toronto Raptors, most of whom are not Canadian and not white, eh? Her options are the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the captain of the Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls and hockey players. Dating some curling superstar or moose herder just won’t do. So I’m not sure why Sean Avery is surprised that his sloppy seconds are getting picked up. Plus, hot famous Canadian women are not exactly falling out of the sky, eh? They should have let him play so Phaneuf could have maimed him.