Calling In Gay Weekly Award – Hip Hop
I don’t know if today is National Gay Day, Hug a Homo, Eat an Ass, or whatever it’s called, but I was both stunned and completely exhilarated to hear that America’s gays and lesbians were being urged to ‘call in gay’ today at work. Read about it here. Fucking huge right there. Why didn’t we think of this? I mean look, it’s funny to make fun of people in general and it’s even funnier to make fun of gay people because, well, they’re gay. It just makes the rest of us feel better about ourselves anyway, and that’s what life’s really about. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being gay, and there are easily qualities about certain people that make them a million times worse….like being mean, evil, dishonest, hateful, from Dallas, New York, or Boston, thinking it’s ok to work out at my gym and blow dry your ball hair at the same sink I wash my hands at, etc. So many stereotypes exist about gay people that maybe they do deserve their own day off, simply because they’ve taken so much punishment over the years. It’s not fair for ignorant minded people to think the only reason gay men have lisps is because they get their tonsils tickled so much. And please, get it out of your head that farts are like perfume to a gay man. That’s just totally wrong.
This immediately got City of Pain’s staff working on a new piece we’ll be debuting today (and each week) in honor of this brilliant idea by our nations gay leaders. 99% of the USA doesn’t want to acknowledge that homosexuals need their own day, but City of Pain does. Now for some this might be tough to “swallow”, and others may have to “bite”, not their pillows, but their tongues. Let’s just get one thing “straight” here: Gay America doesn’t need to “get down on their knees” for recognition, and the rest of us need to “loosen up and accept” the inevitable. So to Gay America, this weekly award is dedicated in your honor.
Calling In Gay Weekly Award – Hip Hop
City of Pain’s hatred for Hip Hop, the 76ers’ absurd mascot, goes all the way back to 2007. If you ranked every single mascot in sports by appearance, demeanor, likeability, and relevance, Hip Hop would rank dead last on the planet. Even behind stupid mascot of minor league baseball teams that are named after sea life. Hip Hop is the absolute bottom of the barrel in this category, and it was only fitting that he was the first winner of this award.
I don’t know who ran the 76ers marketing department when the idea of Hip Hop was first born, but my guess is that person is no longer employed. If he/she were still working there, we probably would have seen mascots dressed as horse fish running around the arena, promotional nights where they give away cupcakes and replica unicorn horns, and halftime shows featuring one of the Bernstein Bears singing Debbie Gibson songs while riding a blue giraffe wearing candy necklaces. You mean to tell me that the best you could come up with is a rabbit (that stands on two legs no less), who wears sunglasses and has a name that relates to rap music? A RABBIT???? Why not just call yourself ‘Easter Bunny’ you psycho? And it’s racist too. And after all of that, you still need a trampoline to dunk a basketball. Why would you, you’re a fucking jackrabbit!!! You shouldn’t NEED a trampoline you deceitful bastard. And whoever decided to make you look like you’re on steroids should be shot too. An absolute disgrace.
So here’s to you Hip Hop. If we ever have a ‘Calling in Gay’ Yearly Award, please note you will win that too. You are a fraud, whoever ‘invented’ you should be hung, and to make matters worse your flaccid ears are too long. Pathetic. If our basketball team’s mascot is going to be a rabbit, we might as well dress the entire team in Alice in Wonderland outfits with no underwear on. You suck Hip Hop.
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