City of Pain

So sayeth the Wikipedia and so it shall be true:

The third and perhaps most familiar source is Lewis Carroll‘s Through the Looking-Glass and what Alice Found There. Carroll, having introduced two fat little men named Tweedledum and Tweedledee, quotes the nursery rhyme, which the two brothers then go on to enact. They agree to have a battle, but never have one. When they see a monstrous black crow swooping down, they take to their heels. The Tweedle brothers never contradict each other, even when one of them, according to the rhyme, “agrees to have a battle”. Rather, they complement each other’s words. This fact has led Tenniel to assume that they are twins also physically, and Gardner goes so far as to claim that Carroll intended them to be enantiomorphs, i.e. three-dimensional mirror images.

I’d like to take this opportunity to pick a little bone with Howard Eskin and the rest of the fourth estate here in Philadelphia. It would be nice to see people call a spade, a spade. Don’t tell me that good teams run the ball more because they’re winning because they’ve already passed the ball to score a lot of points. I understand passing is an integral part of today’s NFL offense. I’m not part of the Dirty Thirty so I get that. It’s the simple fact that you can more effectively pass when teams believe that you might run. Offense is about unpredictability and execution. You can run similar plays over and over again if you have superior execution and/or they don’t know its coming. The Redskins ran the fucking counter trey and million times in the 80′s. And you couldn’t stop it because they have superior execution with the Hogs. I can’t expect Andy to teach execution, so that leaves unpredictability.

46 passes to 16 runs is not unpredictability.

Did Andy Reid feel that 4 yards a carry was not a good result in the first half?

Did Andy and Marty feel that because they were down 3-0, 10-0 and 10-3 that the run should be abandoned to save time? And then piss away every second in the final four minutes?

The Eagles’ offense has had a chance to win the game for the team several times this year (not Washington #1 because the defense was abused and not the Ravens because Donovan was apparently pregnant that day)

Dallas: 4:35 to score a TD, 2 drives, 11 plays, 21 yards
Chicago: 10:30 to score a TD, 1 drive,  11 plays, 75 yards (this is predictability and bad execution at its finest)
New York #1: 3:17 to score a TD, 1 drive, 6 plays, 31 yards 
Cinci: 2:44 to score a FG, 2 drives, 6 plays, 9 yards (I’m not even going to look at OT, because it makes the pain to real…it’s like watching bud dwyer or something)
Washington #2: 15:00 to score a TD, 5 drives (4 3 and outs), 28 plays, 20 yards in 4 drives and 90 in the last

This is not a good sign. It hints at a bigger problem that I heard someone mention on Eskin tonight. Since the Super Bowl, the Eagles have been tied or behind in 32 games and have won only 5 of them. Either the defense isn’t doing enough to help the offense come back (quite possible) or it’s that the Eagles can’t play from behind because everyone knows they’ll just keep throwing the ball time and time again.

Fire Andy.

Thank you.

There’s really not much I can say here. I didn’t get to watch the game. I just watched the highlights and read a couple articles on philly.com. But I think I know enough to understand that Andy Reid should be fired at the end of this season. He’s a stubborn bastard and he’s too stupid to realize that this isn’t 2004 anymore. His team isn’t like 2004′s. His quarterback isn’t like 2004′s. The competition isn’t like 2004′s. Only Andy Reid is trapped there, living off his 4 trips to the NFC championship game. Hopefully, Lurie realizes this and has the stones to actually change the direction of this team. Since the Super Bowl, the Eagles are a half game over .500. This is not progress. This is a team stuck in neutral. Yes, there have been injuries. Find me a team where there are no injuries. Yes, the level of our division has been improving. Again, things move in cycles.  Except here, where things move like pennies through Joe Banner’s bony claws: not at all.

Let’s look at some fun tables:

Here’s what it looks like what you sort the Eagles games by number of rushes. Hey wait, all the wins come to the top.

And hey, look here. When you sort by time of possession, the same thing happens. What a coincidence.

So it looks like running the ball and time of possession make a difference. Looking back, sacks didn’t make a huge difference across the board (did you know that the Giants totaled exactly zero sacks against us this year?) Turnovers and turnover margin had a decent correlation, but not like rushing (although you look back at the Bears game by the numbers and it makes you want to drive around with heroin and a loaded gun in your car.)

Rushing the ball wins games. Or teams that win games rush the ball. Let’s look inside those numbers a little. Looking at rushing attempts, I see two playoff teams that don’t/can’t run the ball for shit, Indy and Arizona. The top 10 has 8 likely playoff teams: Baltimore, Atlanta, Minnesota, Tennessee, Giants, Carolina, New England, Washington, Pittsburgh, Jacksonville. Same goes for the yards per game where you replace Jacksonville and Pittsburgh with the Jets and Raiders. Where do the Eagles land on these lists? 19th in attempts and 22nd in yards per game. So there’s that.

Let’s turn the tables: who are the best passing teams? In yards per game, it reads New Orleans, Arizona, Denver, Houston, Indy, Philly, San Diego, Dallas, Green Bay and Miami (what?!?). I count two playoff teams by default (Cards and AFC West winner) along with the Colts and maybe Dolphins.  So how about attempts? You can add in Jacksonville, Tampa and New England and take out San Diego, Green Bay and Miami. Eagles are #4 in attempts.

You know what makes this even worse? The Eagles’ completion percentage of 60.4% puts them 19th in the league. Yards per attempt is 6.78, again 19th. YPA is a very good barometer for shit teams. From the bottom, it goes Bengals, Browns, Seahawks, Raiders, Bears, Chiefs, Rams, Titans (uh oh) and Lions. Team passer rating? We’re looking at 22nd. Ints? 26th. I’m sure if you take out the Bengals and Ravens games, those two numbers look a lot better, but that’s not the purpose of today’s exercise. The purpose is to show that we’re a pass happy team that isn’t very good at passing because everyone knows its coming. You know why Philip Rivers put up ridiculous numbers this year? Because every defense keys on LT, even though he’s got less life in his legs than Heather Mills.

Other numbers to vomit on: Eagles are the 6th highest scoring team with the 9th best scoring defense. Our turnover margin is 0. We’ve forced more punts than any other team and have the fourth best net return against.

Overall, this season has to rank up there as one of the bigger disappointments of Big Red’s tenure. They’ve looked as good as any team all season (Giants, Cardinals)…and they’ve looked as bad as the worst teams in big games (Bengals, Ravens, Redskinsx2). The frightening thing is that the best games and the worst games ride the numbers on rushing attempts so perfectly that to deny them is to show blatant ignorance in a town that has no patience for it. Yet that is exactly what Andy has done. And that is why he should go. Leave Donovan. Leave Jim Johnson.

Fire Andy.

For some reason I have a feeling that this won’t be the last time Sammy makes the list this year. Just a hunch there. Certainly, there will be other Sixers to appear on this list because they are such frauds. Yet, none are bigger than Slammin Sammy Dalembert. Sammy is riding the bench more and more, his defending skills have eroded to almost nothing, and he still looks unbelievably clueless on the court night after night. It’s almost unbearable. Now with the injury to Elton Brand, expect to see Sammy out on the floor even more, confirming to the rest of the world how poisonous he is to the team’s success.

Let’s tackle Sammy from two angles here because it’s easier to understand just how worthless this clown is when you look at two simple facts.

#1 – Sammy is simply not talented in any way, shape, or form. Let’s just get that out of the way up front. His career numbers are 8.3 points/game, 8.0 rebounds/game, and 52% shooting from the floor in 27 minutes a game on average. This season? Try 5.8 points, 8.2 rebounds, and 45% shooting from the floor in 25 minutes a game. And the Sixers are paying him 10.5 million dollars this year, with only 48 players in the entire NBA making more than this joke. In the next two years he is owed 11.3 and 12.2 million by the Sixers. Dalembert’s best year was last year where he averaged 10 points and 10 rebounds a night, which for 60 million dollars seems almost criminal. Really? 60 million dollars for that? I could stand at half court and heave up shots and score ten points a night. This guy has been a full time player in the NBA since 2003 and he hasn’t improved his game one iota. If you look up the word ‘stagnant’ in the dictionary it will have Sammy’s picture and career stats next to it. Guarenteed.

#2 – Even more egregious than his unbearable level of talent is the fact that Sammy doesn’t give two shits about being a good player. How can we say he does? When you are in the league and don’t strive to improve then what are you? Seriously. People who are successful in this world are ones who look for advantages, look to educate themselves in their profession, whatever. Sammy? Sammy has the willpower of a homeless person. Sammy got kicked off the Canadian national team this past summer for NOT CARING. He didn’t fucking care. Do we need to say anything more? If you can’t make the Canadian basketball team as a starting NBA center then you might as well pack your bags and get the fuck out of dodge. He has zero commitment to his job and we’re stuck with him for two more years. It’s sickening.

So thanks Sammy. Thanks for swindling the team with some ungodly 60 million dollar contract that should have you thrown in jail for essentially breaching, and thanks for not getting serious about helping this franchise win anything. You are a total disgrace to the Sixers organization. I’d feel better if the Sixers gave the money to Al-Queda to finance terror attacks than give it to you. And thanks for being an amazing candidate for this award you lazy pig.

I don’t know if today is National Gay Day, Hug a Homo, Eat an Ass, or whatever it’s called, but I was both stunned and completely exhilarated to hear that America’s gays and lesbians were being urged to ‘call in gay’ today at work. Read about it here. Fucking huge right there. Why didn’t we think of this? I mean look, it’s funny to make fun of people in general and it’s even funnier to make fun of gay people because, well, they’re gay. It just makes the rest of us feel better about ourselves anyway, and that’s what life’s really about. There’s certainly nothing wrong with being gay, and there are easily qualities about certain people that make them a million times worse….like being mean, evil, dishonest, hateful, from Dallas, New York, or Boston, thinking it’s ok to work out at my gym and blow dry your ball hair at the same sink I wash my hands at, etc. So many stereotypes exist about gay people that maybe they do deserve their own day off, simply because they’ve taken so much punishment over the years. It’s not fair for ignorant minded people to think the only reason gay men have lisps is because they get their tonsils tickled so much. And please, get it out of your head that farts are like perfume to a gay man. That’s just totally wrong.

This immediately got City of Pain’s staff working on a new piece we’ll be debuting today (and each week) in honor of this brilliant idea by our nations gay leaders. 99% of the USA doesn’t want to acknowledge that homosexuals need their own day, but City of Pain does. Now for some this might be tough to “swallow”, and others may have to “bite”, not their pillows, but their tongues. Let’s just get one thing “straight” here: Gay America doesn’t need to “get down on their knees” for recognition, and the rest of us need to “loosen up and accept” the inevitable. So to Gay America, this weekly award is dedicated in your honor.

Calling In Gay Weekly Award – Hip Hop

City of Pain’s hatred for Hip Hop, the 76ers’ absurd mascot, goes all the way back to 2007. If you ranked every single mascot in sports by appearance, demeanor, likeability, and relevance, Hip Hop would rank dead last on the planet. Even behind stupid mascot of minor league baseball teams that are named after sea life. Hip Hop is the absolute bottom of the barrel in this category, and it was only fitting that he was the first winner of this award.

I don’t know who ran the 76ers marketing department when the idea of Hip Hop was first born, but my guess is that person is no longer employed. If he/she were still working there, we probably would have seen mascots dressed as horse fish running around the arena, promotional nights where they give away cupcakes and replica unicorn horns, and halftime shows featuring one of the Bernstein Bears singing Debbie Gibson songs while riding a blue giraffe wearing candy necklaces. You mean to tell me that the best you could come up with is a rabbit (that stands on two legs no less), who wears sunglasses and has a name that relates to rap music? A RABBIT???? Why not just call yourself ‘Easter Bunny’ you psycho? And it’s racist too. And after all of that, you still need a trampoline to dunk a basketball. Why would you, you’re a fucking jackrabbit!!! You shouldn’t NEED a trampoline you deceitful bastard. And whoever decided to make you look like you’re on steroids should be shot too. An absolute disgrace.

So here’s to you Hip Hop. If we ever have a ‘Calling in Gay’ Yearly Award, please note you will win that too. You are a fraud, whoever ‘invented’ you should be hung, and to make matters worse your flaccid ears are too long. Pathetic. If our basketball team’s mascot is going to be a rabbit, we might as well dress the entire team in Alice in Wonderland outfits with no underwear on. You suck Hip Hop.

Hating Sean Avery is no longer an option for me. Nope. The guy is officially my idol now. I can’t believe the NHL suspended him for what he said. I’m calling for a presidential pardon immediately, followed by every team in the NHL retiring his number like baseball did to Jackie Robinson. Sean, I just want to personally apologize for never liking you all of these years. You’re a little pesky bastard, the shit you pulled against Broduer in last year’s playoffs was amateur on your part, and that ESPN 360 show about you loving fashion and dressing Barbie Dolls when you were younger was…..questionable. But honestly man, you have been absolved of all of this in my eyes. Thank you. Thank you for giving me a good laugh yesterday and realizing what a true genius you really are.

I especially want to highlight the following reasons why you are officially my hero:

1. You’re already known as the most hated player in the league. That’s hard to do in the NHL considering the amount of goons and enforcers that exist on a regular basis. Some players are hated because they’re good (like Sidney Crosby, who has sex with men just like you do) and some players are hated because their annoying little fucks. I admire that.

2. You had a rule named after you (the “Avery Rule“). Not many players can say that.

3. You managed to get the Dallas Stars to somehow sign you to a 15 million dollar deal this off-season, even though they were completely aware that you are not that skilled as a player, and have major baggage. Genius. Whoever your agent is, please have him call me.

4. You are constantly in the spotlight saying and doing commendable shit. Some of my personal favorites are these that I found on Wikipedia today:

-Denis Gauthier of the Phoenix Coyotes body checked Kings forward Jeremy Roenick in a 2005 preseason game, giving Roenick a concussion. Avery’s response was “I think it was typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on, running around and playing tough and not back anything up,” generating much controversy with the French-Canadian public.

-Avery made news during the regular season when Georges Laraque of the Edmonton Oilers, a Black Canadian, claimed that Avery called him a monkey during an contest between the two teams. The incident was never proven and Avery adamantly denies it ever occurred.

-Avery and Anaheim Mighty Ducks broadcaster and former Montreal Canadiens goaltender Brian Hayward had a heated discussion in the Kings dressing room on April 7, 2006, over Hayward’s on air comments during the April 4 Kings vs Ducks game, in which he accused Avery of avoiding a fight with Ducks’ forward Todd Fedoruk. Avery began the argument by uttering that Hayward was an “embarrassment”, a “(terrible) announcer”, and was a “(terrible) player”. Hayward responded by saying “How would you know? When I played, you were in your third year of eighth grade.”

-Colin Campbell and the NHL fined Avery, Darcy Tucker, the Rangers, and the Toronto Maple Leafs for pre-game actions during warm ups before their November 10 meeting. Howard Berger of Toronto radio station CJCL The Fan 590 alleged that the reason for the altercation was a remark made by Avery concerning Jason Blake’s diagnosis with a rare form of Leukemia. However Avery denied making the comments.

Finally Sean, what you said yesterday about sloppy seconds was on a level of genius comparable to Einstein, Beethoven, and Bunny the Tap Dancer. You managed to completely call another guy out for banging your ex, you completely disparaged her in the process by making her look like some whore who has sex with hockey players, and you deflected a lot of this attention onto those two, in addition to yourself. I’m speechless. If you want to get back at an ex, there’s nothing more degrading then calling her out for being someone else’s sloppy seconds. Sean, I need more from you please. Looking at your track record I’m sure you won’t disappoint me. Don’t let me down, and thank you.