City of Pain

The Phils need to make their run now. No excuses. You’ve let the pathetic Mets catch (and surpass) you. You just took a big shit in California and lost 4.5 games in one week. You are hitting .236 as a team since June 13th.

After this pathetic Nationals teams comes to town this week (and you better sweep them) you have 20 of 23 games against winning teams. Good luck with that guys. You might want to hit over .236 if you think you’re going to win the East. The chance of this team winning the NL right now is slim to none. Good thing for management that the team attendance record is going to be broken this season. Must be the Crab Fries luring everyone to the park because it sure as hell isn’t the team.

Only in Philadelphia do we have an MVP one year and the next year the guy is bashing the fans. For those of you who missed it, Jimmy Rollins had this to say on The Best Damm Sports Show last night:

“There are times,” he said. “I might catch some flak for saying this, but, you know, they’re front-runners. When you’re doing good, they’re on your side. When you’re doing bad, they’re completely against you.” He went on. “For example, Ryan Howard is from St. Louis and St. Louis, it seems like they support their team, they’re out there and encouraging. In Philly, can’t be no punk.”

Ok first of all Jimmy, let me clue you in on a few minor details about us fans. We aren’t front runners. You see, in order to be front runners, that would require our teams to be winning. Unless I got roofied in 2nd grade and just woke up yesterday, I don’t recall this team winning, let alone being in first, too many times in my lifetime. Secondly, you just won an MVP (and yes it probably should have gone to Matt Holliday, there I said it) and the next year you’re being benched twice for breaking the manager’s two cardinal rules. Great example you’re setting for your team. Who is always the last one to arrive at the ballpark every night? You. Who, just two weeks ago, said the games matter most at the end of the year? You. Cool, then by all means take some games off here and there to get yourself ready to play in late September. Third, you play in Philadelphia. We don’t give a shit what you think of us as fans. Really we don’t. We have eaten players such as Charles Barkley, Donovan McNabb, Eric Lindros, Allen Iverson, and Mike Schmidt alive and shit them back out, blood and all. We don’t care who you are, or what you’ve won on a personal level. We care about the one thing that we can’t seem to acquire, and that is a championship. And we feel even more helpless because we have no control over it. You are the guy strapping on the jersey, allegedly leading the team out onto the field, and the one who can help us realize our dream of someday not being a big city of pathetic losers. All we have is the cheer, and when warranted, the boo. So really, excuse us for booing you when you don’t run out a fly ball or strike out for the third time. They teach that shit in Little League you dumb fucker. This isn’t St. Louis. We don’t abstain from booing because we’re too tired from having sex with our niece the night before.

Jimmy, you’re just so dumb that it baffles me. I thought you were better than this. You have officially joined a long line of Philadelphia athletes who just don’t fucking get it. If you go out there and win something, you will be forever immortalized in the city. That means more endorsements, more money, more pussy, and louder cheers until the day you retire. You may go down as the greatest Philly shortstop ever, but you’re killing yourself right now. Be an MVP and shut the fuck up right now. Win some games. That’s a good starting point.

The Phillies are a nice story. Gritty, hot bats (sometimes), good bullpen, gay uniforms, division winner? The Phils are good enough to win the division, there is no doubt there, but is that good enough? Is it really that impressive to beat the Mets and Marlins? Absolutely not. Top to bottom, those teams do not have the talent of your fightin Phils.

But is it enough to head into a possible post-season appearance against the Brewers or Cubs and believe we aren’t at a huge disadvantage against those teams when comparing starting pitching? The answer is no. We need(ed) more. As great as Hamels may be, Steve Carlton he is not. And after Hamels who do we have? Old Man Moyer? Kyle the Kid? Joe Blimpton? Brett “get over here you bitch” Myers? Am I the only one who is scared?

If the Phils are going to make any sort of noise in the post-season, one or more of the following must happen:

1. The MLB temporarily re-allow the usage of amphetamines in the locker room, thus waking up Carlos Ruiz from his 6 month siesta, jump-starting Geoff Jenkins’ career that ended two years ago, and adding even more white trash hate octane into Brett Myers’ bloodstream. More on that below.

2. CC Sabathia must contract bird flu, Rich Harden becomes the victim of a homosexual gang-rape in Chicago’s meat packing district (no pun), Ben Sheets performs said gang-rape, and Carlos Zambrano strains the tricep on his throwing arm during a drunken piñata party with his wife and 16 children.

3. Ryan Madson becoming deceased.

4. Management makes sure to hand out masks that the Phillies will wear on defense every inning that Brett Myers pitches. The mask will be of Brett Myers’ beautiful wife Kim. The Jumbotron, the ushers, and even the Phanatic will wear the mask during games Myers pitches in. This will create the sensation of Myers being surrounded by a controlling, hateful force of nature. It will consume him. And it will focus him and make him pitch like a champion. Whether the Phillies choose to add real life bruises, scrapes, and tufts of hair to the mask are still being discussed.

as we have all witnessed this year, carlos ruiz is not exactly a great hitter. he’s hitting 60 points lower than chris coste, has 6 less rbi’s in 30 less at bats, and is generally a double play waiting to happen. he’s probably one of many reasons that jimmy rollins has fewer rbi’s than pedro feliz. but what has it really meant to the phils?

one half decent stat might be winning percentage of games with ruiz vs. games with costs. it ain’t perfect by any stretch. numbers are from before last night’s crime against baseball quality so it actually got worse for “chooch” after that horseshit. here you go:

phils win % is 60%
coste’s win % is 63.1%
ruiz’s win % is 54.7%

following my flawed logic, we’d have 70 wins or so instead of 61 if coste started every game (or if carlos sucked less).

so you might say, should we put lou marson in once he gets back from beijing? i’m torn because it takes time to learn the staff and there’s not a lot of time left. however, he’s my first september call up. he’s got a veteran staff to work with (except brett myers who i would assume has no idea what he;s doing up there) so it could be easy. but a rookie catcher in the playoffs with 40 games of part-time experience? no thanks.

And take it from Father Moyer, ‘little holes’ are the best things in the world. Amen.