City of Pain

so did lehigh valley ironpigs games. why? because the phillies decided to open up their wallets and keep up with the mets, and signed kris benson to a minor league deal. so what if his arm is “60-70%” at this point? we theoretically saw all 100% of adam eaton’s arm last year and that was about as much fun as seeing 100% of adam eaton’s baloney pony. and if even at his youthful best, benson’s only had two winning seasons and only once has his era gotten below 4.00 (eight years ago), it’s still a great move for the phils.

why? the chesty brunette seen above. when last we saw her she was threatening to sleep with the entire mets team if kris cheated on her. wikipedia describes her as an “American model, former stripper and the wife of kris benson”. you know you’re dealing with greatness there. just look at her long list of accomplishments:

• in 1993, she married a nineteen-year old dentist when she was 17. (i’m more shocked about the 19 year old dentist. is he doogie howser?)
• in 2004, benson was named baseball’s hottest wife by FHM magazine (the dream we all dream of.)
• in july 2005, she began playing at the 2005 world series of poker in las vegas under the nickname “Gold Digger”. (no comment.)
• in november 2005, she was supposedly negotiating to pose nude for playboy, but the two sides couldn’t come to an agreement over money. (damnit hugh, try again. she’s got to be cheaper now.)
• she attended the mets christmas party wearing a low-cut santa-style red dress (ho, ho, ho?)
• she said that Mets general manager omar minaya was “putting together an all-latino team.” (no worries here anna, gillick and amaro (and ed wade) didn’t get the memo that latinos are good at baseball. or at least better than bad white guys.)
• benson has stated that she hates peta, gun control organizations, and michael moore. (hey look, mike huckabee just picked up a vote in the pennsylvania primaries.)
• on march 30, 2006, she served kris with papers for a divorce. The petition for divorce claimed the marriage was “irretrievably broken.” on april 4th, she withdrew the petition to reconcile her marriage. (apparently they found it. the word is typically irreconcilable, but who are we to judge?)

it sounds as if kris and anna won’t be starting the season in our fair city, if only because we have seven starting pitchers on the roster, most of whom have healthy arms. but i suspect that around june, we’ll see anna benson out in ashburn alley pounding dollar dogs and bud selects with the rest of us, trying to catch the homeruns her husband is serving up.

phillies fever. catch it.