City of Pain

thank you jesus for keeping me from playing for the vikings. 

about 450 yards, 40 receptions and three td’s gets you $4.5 million a year, huh?

it’s not just that lj smith is the definition of average at the tight end position. it’s that andy’s getting soft. lj bitched the whole season about his contract status…while he was hurt. so what do we do: franchise him.

there’s no real explanation for it. brett celek’s per game numbers last year were pretty similar. and he’s certainly cheaper. and less of a whiner. there’s always a couple spare tight ends floating around the league as well. it’s sort of like, if you don’t have a great one (gates, gonzo, cooley, witten, clark, winslow) there’s no difference among the rest. interestingly enough, outside of gonzo, the great tight ends played on playoff teams (or close…sorry browns).

is it really a stretch to say the l.j. will be a middle of the road tight end, just like brett celek would be? and if that’s the case, wouldn’t you rather see who else you could get…say jeremy shockey?…or put the money into another position of need…say defensive end?

hey, i hope l.j. bounces back from his groin strains and can become an effective weapon again. even better, i hope some idiot team signs him so we can get two first rounders.

It’s been a few days since the New York Football Giants have miraculously won the Super Bowl and the world still isn’t the same. In case none of you were counting, that makes 11 Super Bowl titles for the NFC East (5 for the Cowboys, 3 for the Giants and Redskins each) and zero for the Eagles. You do the math here. 42 Super Bowls played, 11 of them won by the NFC East (that’s 26% in case you are keeping track at home) and our Philadelphia Eagles have a whopping pile of nothing to show for it. Think about it this way, of the 42 Super Bowls played, an NFC East team has played in the game 19 times. That’s 45%. There is a goddam NFC East Team in the Super Bowl 45% of the time, and when you throw out the first four Super Bowls which had zero NFC East teams, the NFC East has been represented in the big game 50% of the time since 1971’s Super Bowl V. Only the AFC East comes closest with 16 teams since the Super Bowl’s inception. So not only have the Eagles only represented the NFC East twice in 42 years, they haven’t won a friggin thing.

In my opinion, this makes the Giants victory this past Sunday the biggest tragedy in this city since a) that Action News weatherman Jim O’Brien jumped out of a plane with a faulty parachute and b) the Sixers decided on a creepy, sunglass-wearing, ass-sniffing, womanizing, coke snorting, ice cream truck driving pedophile mascot named ‘Hip Hop’ to terrorize children during Sixers games in between somersault dunks off a trampoline.

I’m not sure Hip Hop actually engages in any of the aforementioned activities (although likely), but I still cannot understand why one of the most storied franchises in basketball has a fucking rabbit as its mascot. What’s next, the Phillies choosing a neon green anteater with a party favor blower thingy coming out of it’s snout who drives around in a four-wheeler and humps people as our mascot? Kill me now.

As much as I hate the New England Patriots for being cheaters and having everyone crowning them as the greatest team ever, I could not root for David in his battle versus Goliath. I just couldn’t do it. I’d much rather see New England once again raise their tainted trophy, having everyone in America (including their own fans) know that they cheated their way to at least three Super Bowl titles. Instead, we were all forced to watch a completely undeserving coach and a quarterback who poops his pants every other quarter hold up the trophy. I hated every second of it. Eli Manning? Super Bowl MVP? Say it isn’t so, please God. Please tell me I’m still dreaming. If I have to watch that ‘miracle’ play when Eli got out of the clutches of Patriot defenders one more time I’m going to krazy glue my asshole shut and eat 40 pounds of spicy Thai food. Nobody seems to remember that all Asante Samuel had to do was intercept that lame duck pass Eli threw 30 seconds before and the game would have been over. Still want this overpriced, ‘shut down’ corner Eagles fans? Doubtful.

When is it going to be our turn? Seriously? How much more of this do we have to endure for God’s sake? The Giants lose Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey and what happens? They win the Super Bowl! Maybe the Eagles really are a few players away from being champions. I need answers.