City of Pain

so ryan howard’s the coverboy for the mlb ’08 videogame (which carries no curse…yet) and they’ve released some screen shots of the digital #6. but look in the stands…there’s a ton of low-life mets fans. one of the other shots shows ramon castro or paul loduca or something so they’re definitely playing the mets in the demo. apparently, even in video games, mets fans are an obnoxious group of fucktards that can scrape enough money together to get their chevy nova over the bridge and buy tickets. hopefully, after last season, we can buy enough tickets as a fan base and then actually go to the games.

fuck new york.

I think we’ve reached the point in Donovan McNabb’s career where we can officially start copyrighting new words using a portion of his name. This clown is never going to win anything with the Eagles because he spends 50% of his time complaining about hurt feelings and 100% of his time not winning Super Bowls, so we might as well use him for something with entertainment value. Yea yea, we’ve all used the word McPuke or McBarf to describe his performance in the Super Bowl, we’ve used McChoke to describe his first three performances in NFC Championship games AND the Super Bowl, and we’ve used the word McNugget to describe a filthy, ground up chicken meat byproduct shaped into a flat, fried, seizure inducing chunk of death that fat Americans consume at McDonald’s restaurant chains, twenty at a time (that’s 840 calories, 440 from fat, 49 grams of fat, and 50 grams of protein in case you’re counting). Ok, so we didn’t make that word up. McDonalds did, but you get the idea.

McNabb has given us a gift and he doesn’t even know it. Finally! Think about it…..the next time you wake up in the morning after a night of binge drinking and womanizing and you’re lying in a cold pond of your own urine, you can tell your buddies that you McPissed your bed. Maybe you’re at a seedy gentleman’s club on Delaware Ave in Philly with some buddies and you fall in love with an oily stripper or something….that’s McLust. Or how about visiting the family for Christmas and noticing one of your cousins brought his new date, but…it’s…a….guy? He’s officially McGay. The possibilities are endless. Here are some more:

McAss – this is what a really hot chick is packing when you are walking behind her down the street. It’s like a Picasso or a Michelangelo sculpture. It can only be a McAss if ranks as a 9 or above on a scale of 10 and almost makes you walk into another pedestrian. “Dude, check out that McAss up there. That thing looks as tight as a snare drum. Let’s kidnap her. I got some rope in my trunk!”

McNothing – this is the feeling most Americans have when they think about their marriage, when they get home from work at night, when they go to sleep at night, and when they wake up in the morning. The realization that every dream and aspiration you had in your 20s has died eats at you every day. The belief that you’re at an age where your physical ugliness is irreversible consumes you. Your wife, after three children and eight years without an ounce of exercise, resembles a bloated sea animal that looks nothing like the woman you married all those years ago. Your job sucks. Your car sucks. You watch the Nickelodeon channel and think the 13 year old actresses will be really hot in three years. Your children are sapping what money you have left by going to some mediocre college in New England. You are officially one of the lifeless dead. You lay in bed at night praying to a God you know deep down doesn’t exist, whispering in the dark “Please God….give me another chance just this once. I have McNothing left.”

McScrewed – this word could be used in hundreds of different scenarios. Maybe your wife found that home video from college with you and another man in the shower, or maybe you ‘accidentally’ shot your neighbor’s cat, or maybe dating yet another fatherless girl who has male acceptance issues and is unable to be satisfied emotionally was another bad move, or maybe, just maybe, that white powder you slipped in that girl’s drink last night that caused her to have an epileptic seizure in your bathroom was not a good idea in hindsight.

Mark: “Hi Brian? Umm, hey..this is Mark, that guy from the dorm in college. Yea, wow I guess you’re wondering how I found you and why I’m calling you. Whew…jesus, this is weird. Look, I know it’s been a long time, but I’m married now and my wife found something from my past. Do you remember that tape we made that night we got drunk? It was that time we got, uh, naked and we were in the shower together and I was soaping your…”

Brian: “Oh man. You’re totally McScrewed. Don’t ever call me again you psycho.” Click.

So about McNabb’s McBlog…..what is this guy talking about? I know other players have blogs so this is not a new occurrence, but still? The way I read into all of this is that McNabb has taken one of three approaches here:

1. He has gone to the organization previously to express his frustration about getting a playmaker (I’m assuming he means a wide receiver here). The Eagles made him no promises either way and McNabb has no better of an idea what will happen so he feels compelled to let the public know where he stands. This is also a smart move on his part if he has another average season next year. He can place the blame elsewhere because he never got the weapons he needed.
2. He has gone to the organization to express his concerns and the organization has told him they will be focusing on needs other than wide receiver. McNabb posting on his blog is an effort to drum up public support for his cause (a belief many fans hold, which he knows), and also an effort to put the organization under pressure to make a move. The Eagles do not like tactics like this (i.e. McNabb’s unauthorized press conference last season at the Flyers Skate Zone to address his injury and rehab).
3. He has neither talked to the organization nor cares what they think considering next year could easily be his last in Philadelphia. This is his game of poker, and he is going ‘all in’. Once again he is hiding behind a website, whether it is him or his mom expressing their thoughts, and taking the cowardly way out as usual. Instead of approaching Andy Reid and Joe Banner with rational thoughts concerning the future of the team and why he deserves this weapon he desires, he does the exact opposite.

All I know is this: Donovan McNabb sees teams like the Patriots and the Colts go out and get what he perceives to be these weapons (Moss, Welker, and Vinateri were players he mentioned by name) and win Super Bowls. Fine. But let’s also remember something here you McIdiot. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning NEVER get hurt. EVER. (By the way I am also attempting reverse psychology here because I want Tom Brady to have both legs broken this weekend against Jacksonville). They aren’t the ones who missed more than three games out of the last four of six seasons and not been able to finish three of those seasons. They aren’t the ones who acted like a McBaby in the media when dealing with T.O., and they aren’t the ones who played like McShit in all those conference championship games. So while we’d all like to see the Eagles go out and get Randy Moss, Chad Johnson, or Larry Fitzgerald, let’s maybe focus on staying healthy for a change and not act like none of this has happened to you. So you finished the season uninjured…congratulations. So you played well in three meaningless games at the end of the year…..great job. Be careful what you wish for, Donovan, because if the Eagles do get you the weapon you want and you still can’t stay healthy or lead this team to the Super Bowl, you’re still McFucked.

That’s the million dollar question here in Philadelphia. You hear it all the time. Who will be the team to finally break the curse and end the suffering of every scumbag Philly fan out there? Will we even win a championship ever again? Who the hell knows at this point. The fact that meaningless cities like Anaheim, Tampa Bay, San Antonio, and Indianapolis have hoisted trophies within the past five years is nauseating. Those are cities that deserve a SARS outbreak, not championships. Those are cities that probably have a higher percentage of teen pregnancy and home meth labs per capita among its citizens than we do. Those are cities that 20 years ago were wastelands, full of immigrants and disease, where a new Wal Mart was revered like the Taj Mahal, where fathers married their daughters and opened pawn shops, where hate crimes were applauded, where teeth were optional, and where rape was the second most popular activity among men ages 18-54 (killing small pets was first). And THEY have trophies and we don’t? Blasphemy.

City of Pain is proud to present its top four teams, in order, that are most likely to hoist the next trophy. Have no fear though, we don’t see any team winning anything within the next 80 years so this list is completely meaningless considering anyone reading this will be dead by the time any of this happens. Unless they have HDTV in hell, in which case most of us will get to watch our teams in between getting branded with an iron by some big devil monster like the one in “Legend” while his vampire troll assistants vomit acid on our skin, we’re screwed. Grab your ankles because here we go!

FLYERS – Hard to believe the Flyers would make the top of the list considering just a year ago they had the worst record in the NHL. Well, it’s true. The funny thing is that if you asked this question anytime over the last 20 years, the majority of people would also have the Flyers at the top. The Flyers are the next champion for two obvious reasons: First, they have an unbelievably young and talented roster that should be able to stay intact for the next five years minimum. We’re specifically talking about Richards (22), Carter(23), Lupul(24), Umberger(25), Hartnell(25), Coburn(22), Upshall(24), Kukkonen(26), and Gagne (27). Many of these players are playing together for the first time this year and already look pretty cohesive. Secondly, hockey is the one sport out of the four majors where a #5+ seed can win it all. Just two years ago in the playoffs, after the first round the Eastern Conference had its #1, 2, 3, and 4 seeds remaining, while the West had its #5, 6, 7, and 8 seeds remaining. If a team gets hot in the playoffs they can win it. The other obvious reason that the Flyers have an advantage is that they always attempt to put the best product on the ice year in and year out. This is evident in the fact that they have been to more Finals (three) and more Conference Championships (seven) since 1983 than any other Philly team. The Flyers have also only missed the playoffs eight times in their 40 years of existence. We don’t care what anyone says, the three other Philadelphia teams accept losing more than the Flyers do.

PHILLIES – It’s hard to put a team that has won one world championship in 120+ years of existence in the #2 spot here, but it’s the right call. Without getting caught up in last year’s playoff appearance, the Phils have a young enough nucleus to stay competitive over the next 5-7 years. We know where they are strong and who their playmakers are, but what we don’t know is what their long term plan is going to be. We still do not know how they plan on addressing third base (either this year or next), another solid B+ starter to go with Hamels, Myers, Kendrick, and hopefully one of our minor league prospects (Carrasco, Savory, Drabek, Outman), or who their Manager, General Manager, and owners will be in three years. We know nothing. The positives remain our long term viability at SS, 2B, 1B, CF, and hopefully two starters in Hamels and Kendrick. The negatives are always going to be the half assed moves we make every year to acquire the remaining pieces of the puzzle, and until that philosophy is replaced with a desire to spend a little more cash, we may be looking at a franchise that is ok with remaining on the second tier of baseball’s elite forever

EAGLES – You didn’t think we were actually going to put the Sixers here did you? What can even be said about this football team? They are so old in some areas and so young in others. Half the locker room has the average age of the cast of High School Musical while the other half has the average age of the cast of Cocoon 2. Probably not a good mix in the long run. Like the Flyers, the Eagles play in a sport where you can get hot at the right time of the year and conceivably win a Super Bowl, but like the Phillies, the Eagles often seem to never want to hit the home run in free agency. Some may argue this point (see the acquisitions of Runyan and T.O.), while some may see the passing over bigger name players (Moss, Muhammad, Porter, Mason, Jordan, to name a few) over the years. Some moves would have worked, some would not have. The Eagles slip below the Phillies for the simple reason that they have too many players that are past their prime and/or have injury issues (McNabb, Sheppard, Dawkins, Akers, Spikes) and a few players, namely Westbrook, who are currently in their prime who can help us win now, but don’t have the team around them to go all the way. The historical factor? The Eagles don’t exactly have the most stellar record in big games. And will they ever win a championship under this coaching staff? Factor in the fact that within two years they are handing the ball over to a brand new quarterback and this team comes in at #3 on this list.

SIXERS – If the Philadelphia Soul, Phantoms, or Kixx were considered major teams we’d put all of them above the Sixers at this point. Actually we’d have to exclude the the Phantoms and the Kixx since they have both won championships within the past three years. We can talk about the roster moves the Sixers are making, the cap space they are clearing, the new GM they have hired, the young talent they have currently, all of that….. but let’s be honest here. The Sixers have no shot at a title within the next five years minimum, and that’s being generous. Watching their games now is like viewing a beheading video. Watching Samuel Dalembert flop around the court, half of the time not knowing where he is, what basket he’s shooting at, or what color jersey his teammates are wearing is embarrassing. Anybody notice every time this asshole jumps for a ball he has to pull up his pants up when he lands? Can someone teach him how to tie the string on his shorts so he can pay more attention to the game? Jesus Christ. Watching Mo Cheeks sit on the bench wishing he was coaching a middle school team with better fundamentals is painful; however, the sole reason that the Sixers don’t stand a chance to win a title is because the NBA is a complete graveyard for teams that aren’t in the upper echelon in the league. If you’re not one of the six best teams in the NBA, you have ZERO chance to win. Think about it. Name one NBA champion over the past 30 years that came out of nowhere to win. Shit, name a team that was an above average team but not an elite team that won it all. You can’t. So until the Sixers get themselves into a #1 or #2 seed in the East, forget about it.

all apologizes to you, loyal city of pain reader, for suffering through the last couple of weeks. our posting dwindled to a mere trickle as the holidays kept us busy…but i don’t think kwanzaa alone can be blamed for our slacking off.

the truth is that philadelphia is a fucking boring sports town right now.

the eagles? happy to be 8-8, heading into an offseason where no one really trusts them to fix the problems they have. can we fire marty and get cam cameron? or lane kiffin if al davis loses his mind? or something? and please rework takeo’s deal to keep him around.

the phillies? got semi-lucky to make the playoffs, got exposed more than vanessa hudgens’ tan lines by the rockies, and have had an off-season that can best be described as treading water. while brad lidge is a better prospect than tom gordon was at this time last year, it can best be described as finding a proctologist with a smaller pinkie.

the flyers? injured. again. inconsistent. again. they have the ability to beat any team, and lose to any team. biron has cooled somewhat, little danny briere has been the epitome of the word “meh”, and their green defense is still a little scary. they’ll make the playoffs, and maybe even win a series. the best hope for excitement is that steve downie decides he wants to drink the blood of canadians on a nightly basis.

the sixers? going nowhere fast. have fun finishing in ninth place in the conference and getting the 14th pick. better yet, have fun finishing in eighth place and getting mauled by the celtics. i think the guy who boiled his girlfriend must have been a sixers fan. both are clear signs of dementia. the only ray of light here is that billy king is no more and ed stefanski seems like he possesses a moderate degree of intelligence. like a one-dimensional player like kyle korver is useless on a bad team (yet excellent on a contending team like utah). and also, all the people who are now utah jazz fans because that’s where kyle is: if you’re not a girl, you should be.

so while there are glimmers of hope in all four sports, i remain cautiously pessimistic that it will add up to more title-less seasons in the near future.

One more win. That’s all it would have taken. One more win and the Eagles would have been playing this weekend in Seattle for the right to go back to Dallas and compete in a rubber match with the Cowboys. All they had to do was not muff a punt against Green Bay in week 1, move the ball 30 yards in 90 seconds and watch Akers nail a 40 yard field goal for the win. Or seeing how he performed all season, would he have missed it? All they had to do was show up on the Monday night against Washington and score one lousy touchdown and then who knows what would have happened. Or would it have even mattered? If they had not given up 12 sacks AND had Brian Westbrook during the first game against the Giants, would they have lost by only ten points? What about if they had stopped a terrible Bears offense on the final drive of the game and won against a team that had absolutely no business beating us? Or were the Bears just as average as we were? If Akers doesn’t hit the goal post against the Giants, do the Eagles pull that one out in overtime? Who knows.

What is the real identity of this team? Do the organization, coaches, or players even know? Too many lapses in intensity and too many missed opportunities in the red zone killed this team. How can you have the 6th ranked offense in the NFL, yet only be 17th in points scored? Why is it that every dumb fan thinks our #1 priority is a ‘stud wide receiver’, sports radio thinks we need to address the secondary, and my seven year old neighbor thinks we need a new QB? Why is there so much uncertainty about everything with the Eagles? Are we ok at linebacker because Stewart Bradley played two good games? Do we need a new kicker? Are we watching Brian Westbrook finally stay healthy and play through the prime of his career, yet winning nothing? Is all of this scary to you as fans?

What the organization needs to do is simple: strive to build a top 5 defense and secure a better than average kick returner. That’s it. No wide receivers. No new coach. Maybe a new kicker.

What the Eagles of the past 20 years have always been linked to, what most of the great teams in the NFL have always had, and what Football 101 tells you, is that you need a good defense to compete. Period. Are there exceptions? Maybe a few, but let’s think about this for a brief moment. Newsflash, the Eagles have been successful this season because of their defense. The Eagles held their opponents to one offensive touchdown or less in 9 of their 16 games. Amazing. With the exception of the Dallas rape at home and the clash with the Patriots, the Eagles never gave up 30 points. They played in a division where every team was .500 or above and they still finished 4th in the NFC, giving up 18.8 points a game. They also were 4th in the NFC in rushing yards per game (95.8), 9th in passing yards per game, and 5th in total yards per game. Not bad for a team that didn’t have Lito Sheppard and Brian Dawkins for significant periods of time. By the way the top seven teams in the NFC in total defensive yards per game? Tampa Bay, Giants, Redskins, Cowboys, Eagles, Packers, and Seahawks. Notice anything? All of those teams except the Eagles will be playing the next two weeks, while Marty Mornhinweg is sitting in his bathtub playing with his whale eye. However they do it, the Eagles need to get a safety and a corner in the off season, and both of whom need to be able to conceivably step in next year and contribute immediately if needed.

As for kick returner and special teams in general…..something needs to be done. If I see Reno Mahe returning punts next year I may go into cardiac arrest. The numbers do not lie: Kickoff Returns (24th), Punt Returns (24th), FG% (28th), Punt Yardage (19th), Punts inside the 20 (19th), and Net Punt Yards (28th). David Akers was 12/12 from 20-29 yards, 10/10 from 30-39 yards, 1/6 from 40-49, and 1/4 from 50+. That is troubling.