City of Pain

Dallas, Texas. Scumbag capital of the world (anywhere in New Jersey is second, followed by Boston, then Baghdad). We here at City of Pain tend to not stray too far off the Philadelphia sports scene, but today we’re going to make an exception. Congratulations Dallas fans, because of your team’s epic choke job at home on Sunday, this day belongs to you. From here on out January 15th with be knowns as Cowboy Choke Day. To all you cockroaches, I hope this one hurts for a long, long, time. You deserve it.

It was all within your grasp wasn’t it? All you had to do was beat a team you had already beaten twice this season and then trample a 53 year old quarterback who was 0-9 in Dallas to reach the Super Bowl. Could it have looked any easier? You lost to Eli Manning. At home. You became the first #1 seed since 1990 (and the new playoff format) to lose their opening game. Quite an accomplishment. You let the pathetic Giants score a touchdown with under a minute left in the first half to take the game into halftime tied. You let every Giants fan believe they have a good team and that might be the funniest thing of all. You gave the rest of the country reason to smile and forget the tragedies of 9/11 with your performance, and for that we thank you and consider you heroes.

There were so many subplots during the game, it was almost hard to concentrate. The fact that T.O. caught exactly zero passes during the second half was amazing. The fact that you had the ball on the final drive to win the game and blew it was magical. Patrick Crayton blowing the entire game with his 3rd down drop. Watching Tony Romo do nothing for 60 minutes and ending the game with that complete goof ball look on his face almost brought tears of joy to the eyes of every Philadelphian.

The shots of Jerry Jones shadowing Wade Phillips on the sidelines during the waning seconds at the end of the game were priceless. Good luck trying to win a Super Bowl with Philips while the more promising coach on your staff, Jason Garrett, walks away. That’s unless you fire Phillips, which would be just as comical and disruptive for your organization anyway. It’s lose-lose for you and win-win for the rest of humanity.

Your team was never that good anyway, Cowboy fan. You may have started out 12-1, but you finished 1-3 and got exposed by every team in the NFC East along the way. You struggled against the Vikings, Panthers, and Bills. Your players, such as “pro bowler” Roy Williams and Tony Romo, are vastly overrated. It’s now obvious that Jessica Simpson has nothing to do with Romo’s on-field performance….he’s just a choker. You realized too late that Marion Barber should be the running back that should get 90% of the touches. Your uniforms are still gay, although you still have hot cheerleaders. Most importantly, you couldn’t capitalize when the going got tough, something that is beginning to become a part of the makeup of the franchise. You lose the big games. And as for T.O. and his crocodile tears during his press conference, please. What a total joke.

So yes Cowboy fans, we here in Philadelphia are the perpetual city of losers, so no need to remind us. Reminding us only makes us hate you more anyway. You may have more Super Bowls than us, more cowboys boots and belt buckles than us, and better looking cheerleaders (to see just how disgusting the current crop of hags we have on the sidelines are, please visit the Eagles’ website immediately), but it’s ok…..we have less gay fans, better uniforms, a fatter coach, and more violence in the parking lots during pre-games. That is what football should be about. You can keep Jessica Simpson, T.O., and two straight playoffs disasters.

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