City of Pain

I think we’ve reached the point in Donovan McNabb’s career where we can officially start copyrighting new words using a portion of his name. This clown is never going to win anything with the Eagles because he spends 50% of his time complaining about hurt feelings and 100% of his time not winning Super Bowls, so we might as well use him for something with entertainment value. Yea yea, we’ve all used the word McPuke or McBarf to describe his performance in the Super Bowl, we’ve used McChoke to describe his first three performances in NFC Championship games AND the Super Bowl, and we’ve used the word McNugget to describe a filthy, ground up chicken meat byproduct shaped into a flat, fried, seizure inducing chunk of death that fat Americans consume at McDonald’s restaurant chains, twenty at a time (that’s 840 calories, 440 from fat, 49 grams of fat, and 50 grams of protein in case you’re counting). Ok, so we didn’t make that word up. McDonalds did, but you get the idea.

McNabb has given us a gift and he doesn’t even know it. Finally! Think about it…..the next time you wake up in the morning after a night of binge drinking and womanizing and you’re lying in a cold pond of your own urine, you can tell your buddies that you McPissed your bed. Maybe you’re at a seedy gentleman’s club on Delaware Ave in Philly with some buddies and you fall in love with an oily stripper or something….that’s McLust. Or how about visiting the family for Christmas and noticing one of your cousins brought his new date, but…it’s…a….guy? He’s officially McGay. The possibilities are endless. Here are some more:

McAss – this is what a really hot chick is packing when you are walking behind her down the street. It’s like a Picasso or a Michelangelo sculpture. It can only be a McAss if ranks as a 9 or above on a scale of 10 and almost makes you walk into another pedestrian. “Dude, check out that McAss up there. That thing looks as tight as a snare drum. Let’s kidnap her. I got some rope in my trunk!”

McNothing – this is the feeling most Americans have when they think about their marriage, when they get home from work at night, when they go to sleep at night, and when they wake up in the morning. The realization that every dream and aspiration you had in your 20s has died eats at you every day. The belief that you’re at an age where your physical ugliness is irreversible consumes you. Your wife, after three children and eight years without an ounce of exercise, resembles a bloated sea animal that looks nothing like the woman you married all those years ago. Your job sucks. Your car sucks. You watch the Nickelodeon channel and think the 13 year old actresses will be really hot in three years. Your children are sapping what money you have left by going to some mediocre college in New England. You are officially one of the lifeless dead. You lay in bed at night praying to a God you know deep down doesn’t exist, whispering in the dark “Please God….give me another chance just this once. I have McNothing left.”

McScrewed – this word could be used in hundreds of different scenarios. Maybe your wife found that home video from college with you and another man in the shower, or maybe you ‘accidentally’ shot your neighbor’s cat, or maybe dating yet another fatherless girl who has male acceptance issues and is unable to be satisfied emotionally was another bad move, or maybe, just maybe, that white powder you slipped in that girl’s drink last night that caused her to have an epileptic seizure in your bathroom was not a good idea in hindsight.

Mark: “Hi Brian? Umm, hey..this is Mark, that guy from the dorm in college. Yea, wow I guess you’re wondering how I found you and why I’m calling you. Whew…jesus, this is weird. Look, I know it’s been a long time, but I’m married now and my wife found something from my past. Do you remember that tape we made that night we got drunk? It was that time we got, uh, naked and we were in the shower together and I was soaping your…”

Brian: “Oh man. You’re totally McScrewed. Don’t ever call me again you psycho.” Click.

So about McNabb’s McBlog…..what is this guy talking about? I know other players have blogs so this is not a new occurrence, but still? The way I read into all of this is that McNabb has taken one of three approaches here:

1. He has gone to the organization previously to express his frustration about getting a playmaker (I’m assuming he means a wide receiver here). The Eagles made him no promises either way and McNabb has no better of an idea what will happen so he feels compelled to let the public know where he stands. This is also a smart move on his part if he has another average season next year. He can place the blame elsewhere because he never got the weapons he needed.
2. He has gone to the organization to express his concerns and the organization has told him they will be focusing on needs other than wide receiver. McNabb posting on his blog is an effort to drum up public support for his cause (a belief many fans hold, which he knows), and also an effort to put the organization under pressure to make a move. The Eagles do not like tactics like this (i.e. McNabb’s unauthorized press conference last season at the Flyers Skate Zone to address his injury and rehab).
3. He has neither talked to the organization nor cares what they think considering next year could easily be his last in Philadelphia. This is his game of poker, and he is going ‘all in’. Once again he is hiding behind a website, whether it is him or his mom expressing their thoughts, and taking the cowardly way out as usual. Instead of approaching Andy Reid and Joe Banner with rational thoughts concerning the future of the team and why he deserves this weapon he desires, he does the exact opposite.

All I know is this: Donovan McNabb sees teams like the Patriots and the Colts go out and get what he perceives to be these weapons (Moss, Welker, and Vinateri were players he mentioned by name) and win Super Bowls. Fine. But let’s also remember something here you McIdiot. Tom Brady and Peyton Manning NEVER get hurt. EVER. (By the way I am also attempting reverse psychology here because I want Tom Brady to have both legs broken this weekend against Jacksonville). They aren’t the ones who missed more than three games out of the last four of six seasons and not been able to finish three of those seasons. They aren’t the ones who acted like a McBaby in the media when dealing with T.O., and they aren’t the ones who played like McShit in all those conference championship games. So while we’d all like to see the Eagles go out and get Randy Moss, Chad Johnson, or Larry Fitzgerald, let’s maybe focus on staying healthy for a change and not act like none of this has happened to you. So you finished the season uninjured…congratulations. So you played well in three meaningless games at the end of the year…..great job. Be careful what you wish for, Donovan, because if the Eagles do get you the weapon you want and you still can’t stay healthy or lead this team to the Super Bowl, you’re still McFucked.

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