The Next Champion?
That’s the million dollar question here in Philadelphia. You hear it all the time. Who will be the team to finally break the curse and end the suffering of every scumbag Philly fan out there? Will we even win a championship ever again? Who the hell knows at this point. The fact that meaningless cities like Anaheim, Tampa Bay, San Antonio, and Indianapolis have hoisted trophies within the past five years is nauseating. Those are cities that deserve a SARS outbreak, not championships. Those are cities that probably have a higher percentage of teen pregnancy and home meth labs per capita among its citizens than we do. Those are cities that 20 years ago were wastelands, full of immigrants and disease, where a new Wal Mart was revered like the Taj Mahal, where fathers married their daughters and opened pawn shops, where hate crimes were applauded, where teeth were optional, and where rape was the second most popular activity among men ages 18-54 (killing small pets was first). And THEY have trophies and we don’t? Blasphemy.
City of Pain is proud to present its top four teams, in order, that are most likely to hoist the next trophy. Have no fear though, we don’t see any team winning anything within the next 80 years so this list is completely meaningless considering anyone reading this will be dead by the time any of this happens. Unless they have HDTV in hell, in which case most of us will get to watch our teams in between getting branded with an iron by some big devil monster like the one in “Legend” while his vampire troll assistants vomit acid on our skin, we’re screwed. Grab your ankles because here we go!
FLYERS – Hard to believe the Flyers would make the top of the list considering just a year ago they had the worst record in the NHL. Well, it’s true. The funny thing is that if you asked this question anytime over the last 20 years, the majority of people would also have the Flyers at the top. The Flyers are the next champion for two obvious reasons: First, they have an unbelievably young and talented roster that should be able to stay intact for the next five years minimum. We’re specifically talking about Richards (22), Carter(23), Lupul(24), Umberger(25), Hartnell(25), Coburn(22), Upshall(24), Kukkonen(26), and Gagne (27). Many of these players are playing together for the first time this year and already look pretty cohesive. Secondly, hockey is the one sport out of the four majors where a #5+ seed can win it all. Just two years ago in the playoffs, after the first round the Eastern Conference had its #1, 2, 3, and 4 seeds remaining, while the West had its #5, 6, 7, and 8 seeds remaining. If a team gets hot in the playoffs they can win it. The other obvious reason that the Flyers have an advantage is that they always attempt to put the best product on the ice year in and year out. This is evident in the fact that they have been to more Finals (three) and more Conference Championships (seven) since 1983 than any other Philly team. The Flyers have also only missed the playoffs eight times in their 40 years of existence. We don’t care what anyone says, the three other Philadelphia teams accept losing more than the Flyers do.
PHILLIES – It’s hard to put a team that has won one world championship in 120+ years of existence in the #2 spot here, but it’s the right call. Without getting caught up in last year’s playoff appearance, the Phils have a young enough nucleus to stay competitive over the next 5-7 years. We know where they are strong and who their playmakers are, but what we don’t know is what their long term plan is going to be. We still do not know how they plan on addressing third base (either this year or next), another solid B+ starter to go with Hamels, Myers, Kendrick, and hopefully one of our minor league prospects (Carrasco, Savory, Drabek, Outman), or who their Manager, General Manager, and owners will be in three years. We know nothing. The positives remain our long term viability at SS, 2B, 1B, CF, and hopefully two starters in Hamels and Kendrick. The negatives are always going to be the half assed moves we make every year to acquire the remaining pieces of the puzzle, and until that philosophy is replaced with a desire to spend a little more cash, we may be looking at a franchise that is ok with remaining on the second tier of baseball’s elite forever
EAGLES – You didn’t think we were actually going to put the Sixers here did you? What can even be said about this football team? They are so old in some areas and so young in others. Half the locker room has the average age of the cast of High School Musical while the other half has the average age of the cast of Cocoon 2. Probably not a good mix in the long run. Like the Flyers, the Eagles play in a sport where you can get hot at the right time of the year and conceivably win a Super Bowl, but like the Phillies, the Eagles often seem to never want to hit the home run in free agency. Some may argue this point (see the acquisitions of Runyan and T.O.), while some may see the passing over bigger name players (Moss, Muhammad, Porter, Mason, Jordan, to name a few) over the years. Some moves would have worked, some would not have. The Eagles slip below the Phillies for the simple reason that they have too many players that are past their prime and/or have injury issues (McNabb, Sheppard, Dawkins, Akers, Spikes) and a few players, namely Westbrook, who are currently in their prime who can help us win now, but don’t have the team around them to go all the way. The historical factor? The Eagles don’t exactly have the most stellar record in big games. And will they ever win a championship under this coaching staff? Factor in the fact that within two years they are handing the ball over to a brand new quarterback and this team comes in at #3 on this list.
SIXERS – If the Philadelphia Soul, Phantoms, or Kixx were considered major teams we’d put all of them above the Sixers at this point. Actually we’d have to exclude the the Phantoms and the Kixx since they have both won championships within the past three years. We can talk about the roster moves the Sixers are making, the cap space they are clearing, the new GM they have hired, the young talent they have currently, all of that….. but let’s be honest here. The Sixers have no shot at a title within the next five years minimum, and that’s being generous. Watching their games now is like viewing a beheading video. Watching Samuel Dalembert flop around the court, half of the time not knowing where he is, what basket he’s shooting at, or what color jersey his teammates are wearing is embarrassing. Anybody notice every time this asshole jumps for a ball he has to pull up his pants up when he lands? Can someone teach him how to tie the string on his shorts so he can pay more attention to the game? Jesus Christ. Watching Mo Cheeks sit on the bench wishing he was coaching a middle school team with better fundamentals is painful; however, the sole reason that the Sixers don’t stand a chance to win a title is because the NBA is a complete graveyard for teams that aren’t in the upper echelon in the league. If you’re not one of the six best teams in the NBA, you have ZERO chance to win. Think about it. Name one NBA champion over the past 30 years that came out of nowhere to win. Shit, name a team that was an above average team but not an elite team that won it all. You can’t. So until the Sixers get themselves into a #1 or #2 seed in the East, forget about it.
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