The State of the Union
Welcome to City of Pain’s first ever State of the Union address. Sit back, crack open an Icehouse, gather your friends around the computer, smoke some weed/heroin/PCP/crystal meth/ice/crank…whatever you want. You’re going to need it when you actually start thinking about the lifelessness of the Philadelphia sports landscape. There’s more hope in finding Natalie Halloway at this point.
The Eagles
There is a very distinct possibility that the start of the Eagles official free fall happens in New England this weekend (ed note: as opposed to the costly fall of the last 2+ years). When people are doubting your inability to cover a game as opposed to being competitive, you’ve got a serious problem. When every statement about this team begins with “with the exception of the Lions game…”, something is not right.
Out of all four major sports teams in this city, the murkiest future belongs to the Eagles. No one has a clue who’s going to be under center next season, and whether that’s a good thing (Kolb) or a bad thing (McNabb, Feeley), it’s the lack of apparent direction that’s troubling. Something tells me the Eagles have no idea who their quarterback is going to be either. The good news is that the greatest head coach in franchise history doesn’t have two sons who are shooting up heroin, ramming an entire pharmacy’s worth of pills up their salad shooters, parading around with rifles and driving like maniacs, rotting in jail, and not creating any distraction whatsoever for the team.
Thank God as sports fans who shell out hundreds of dollars watching these guys, that none of that is happening right now because it would probably not be good for the team in general. Teams have figured out our offense. Teams have figured out our defense. We don’t have any special teams play for the opponents to worry about, so basically all we have left is a huge home-field advantage playing in an old, dilapidated, loud, out of date, concrete toilet. Oh wait…
The Solution: end the Mcnabb era, draft for defense (corner, safety, DE), get Westbrook some help if you think Tony Hunt can’t do it (we wouldn’t know because they don’t play him for some reason), get a kick returner, change the jerseys back to Kelly green, send Mornigweg, Baskett, and Mahe to Iran, and rebuild the Vet and play there.
The Flyers
Two schools of thought concerning this franchise…first, their success this season in luring good players to last year’s NHL cellar dweller and their success on the ice makes them seem better than they really are when comparing them to last season’s disaster….or secondly, they may actually be a good team capable of consistent play the entire year.
One thing you know is the Flyers are always going to put the best product on the ice. Looking at this season, I see only one team (Ottawa) that is far and away better than us. Are you scared of the Rangers, Penguins, Canadiens, and Hurricanes? Maybe not, but the Flyers are a small losing streak from being on the outside looking in. While they are currently two points out of first place, they are also five points from being out of the top eight in the East. The most positive signs? Special Teams. The Flyers have the #5 ranked power play and #12 penalty kill in the NHL. Success in the NHL these days won’t happen with shit special teams. There have been lapses in play and it could be because they are still learning how to play with each other, but that could also be due to the fact that John Stevens is changing line combinations every four minutes.
The Solution: maintain home ice dominance, get Gagne back completely healthy, and keep special teams consistent. This is a playoff team right now, and you’re most likely looking at the #4 or #5 seed. The goal should be to take the division and hope you’re hot going into the playoffs. The reality is: just make the playoffs. The players love each other, Stevens appears to have their respect, the fans will fill the seats all year, and they have the skill players. Their upside seems limitless at this point.
The Phillies
We’ve spent a lot of time chronicling the Phillies off season moves recently, and they continue to capture the attention of this city six weeks after getting gang-raped by the Rockies (ed note: proving this really is a baseball town in case any of you forgot…it’s hard to remember when they’ve been pissing on our dreams since 1993). The problem with this team is this: they have a hole, both offensively and defensively, at third base and they also need another lefty in the bullpen. The lefty in the bullpen will be addressed. How effectively it will be addressed is a different story.
Everyone knows the Phillies made a push for Mike Lowell, but the rumors surrounding the actual contract numbers are still officially unknown. Lowell’s agent was quoted on Comcast saying that the Phils offer came “too late”. Awesome. Phillies management is like the Illuminati minus the illusions, secrecy, power, and intelligence.
The problem that the Phillies seemingly fall into every year is the fact that they often have too many holes to fill. Last year it was third base, three starting pitchers, and bullpen help. They addressed those holes with Wes Helms, Freddy Garcia, Jon Lieber, Adam Eaton, and nothing in the bullpen and still made the playoffs. How much do you give away to fill the hole at third, and if you don’t, are you targeting someone next year with the mindset that we will do whatever it takes to get him? Are they really going to sign Randy Wolf? What is the mathematical probability that Ruben Amaro Jr. is not our GM after this year? Has everyone forgotten that the Phils would have been sitting home this postseason if that Mets didn’t take a big dump on their season?
The Solution: without giving away Savory, Carrasco, or Outman, fill the void at third. Somehow. Spend money to make money. Kill Eaton. Sell his organs to the Philippines for cash and a free ball boy.
The Sixers
Not even worth of a review. This team is an abortion. If your best player is Andre Iguodola (that’s debatable) then you have SERIOUS problems. When your best attribute is that you ‘play hard’, then I have to question the talent that you are investing in. Honestly, I like Louis Williams. Jason Smith looks like he actually has brains and skill. Thaddeus Young seems to give you decent minutes and effort when he’s in there. After that what do you have?
Kyle Korver? Sammy Dalembert? Willie Green? Please. The Sixers did the right thing in saying they’ll address the Iguodola contract at the end of the year because I think that allows them to explore the possibility of trading him. There is no way this guy deserves a maximum contract. When they traded Iverson away, Iguodola mistakenly thought he was the heir apparent when he and his agent turned down that contract. There is a reason the Sixers are dead last in attendance. Just watch them play some time.
The Solution: trade Miller midseason (ed note: trade him now. he’s lost a step and we need to trade him before the league notices), entertain offers for A.I., teach Korver to play defense, give your rookies more minutes because you aren’t winning anyway, and secure a top five pick through your continued horrible play.
Stay tuned for the State of the Union Part 2, featuring the Philadelphia Soul, Widener Men’s lacrosse, the brief history of the Philadelphia Charge, Fran Dumphy’s mustache, Comcast’s ugliest female broadcaster, and a look back at the Brian Boucher era.
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